Marcus Burnett: You a virgin? Reggie: Yes, sir. Marcus Burnett: Good. Keep it that way. Ain't gonna be no fucking tonight. Mike Lowery: You ever made love to a man? Reggie: No. Mike Lowery: You want to?
Marcus Burnett: Mike! There's a papa rat humping the shit out of this mama rat. No, he's straight pile-driving her! Mike Lowrey: Now how is that information gonna help me do my job? Marcus Burnett: They fuck just like us!
[to his sister, a Miami DEA agent] Marcus Burnett: That was reckless, that was stupid, and that was dangerous. [pauses] Marcus Burnett: I'm telling Mommy.
Mike Lowery: We ride together, we die together. Bad boys for life.
Mike Lowery: Dan Marino should definitely buy this car. Well not this one, cause I'm gonna fuck this one up. But he should get one just like it.
Mike Lowery: [a car flies over, nearly colliding with Mike's Ferrari] WHOOOOO, THAT one puckered up my butt-hole!
Mike Lowery: [Pretending to be drunk] Nigger, who is it at the door? Marcus Burnett: It's Reggie! Mike Lowery: Who the fuck is Reggie? Marcus Burnett: Came to take Megan out. Mike Lowery: [to Reggie] What you want, nigger? Reggie: I'm here... to take his daughter out. Mike Lowery: Motherfucker, I heard the boy say your name Reggie? You wanna be takin' Megan out? Reggie: Yes, sire? Mike Lowery: How old is you? Reggie: Fifteen. Mike Lowery: Shit, nigger. You at least thirty.
[staring into the captain's fishbowl after ingesting X] Marcus Burnett: This is a nice fish. Big fuckin' eyes, but a nice fuckin' fish.
Heavy Black Woman: [Screaming at store manager] You got porno and homo shows up in here in front of my babies? What kind of freak-ass store is this? Heavy Black Woman: [to Mike and Marcus as they walk by] Hmm, and you two muthafuckas need Jesus.
[Repeated Line] Marcus Burnett: Woosah...
Marcus Burnett: My ass stills hurts from what you did to it the other night. Mike Lowery: Hey, it got rough. We got caught up in the moment, shit got crazy. You know how I get. Marcus Burnett: When you popped me from behind I think you damaged some nerves.
Marcus Burnett: [on seeing a rat] Oh, shit. These ain't normal rats. Mike Lowery: What my partner means is that these are a special breed called umm... Marcus Burnett: Big motherfuckers.
Marcus Burnett: You see that? Mike Lowery: They throwin' cars. How'd I not see that. Marcus Burnett: Hey, Mike, I'm just trying to be helpful. Mike Lowery: Hey, you'd know what would be fuckin' helpful, Marcus? Just shut the fuck up and let me drive, let's try that.
Marcus Burnett: Damn, it's the niggras!
Marcus Burnett: [about Mike] Motherfucker shot me in the ass, man. Mike Lowery: Who shot you in the ass? Marcus Burnett: Who? That "who" would be you. Mike Lowery: Me? I shot you? I mean, I'm not saying I didn't shoot you. I did a lot of shooting. But I ain't saying I shot you in the ass... [looks] Mike Lowery: But damn! Somebody shot you in the ass! Marcus Burnett: Tell me about it.
Mike Lowery: Now that's how you supposed to shoot, from now on that's how you shoot! Oh man, I want my next partner to shoot like that WOOOOO... it takes a dysfunctional motherfucker to bust somebody in the head like that. That's some disfunctional shit! My next partner's gonna invite me to his barbeques and shit, though.
Mike Lowery: [pointing a flashlight at Marcus' eyes] "Have you ingested X? Look at your pupils. Marcus Burnett: Look at my pupils? How the hell am I gonna look at my pupils? [tries to cross his eyes]
[repeated line] Mike Lowery: That's that bullshit.
[Mike walks into the room, wearing a new purple suit] Marcus Burnett: Are you a model or a cop? Mike Lowery: Hey, man, I like lookin' good, that's all. Marcus Burnett: For who? Mike Lowery: Hey man, don't hate the playa, hate the game. Marcus Burnett: Hate the tailor.
Blond Dread: Who that? Who in MY HOUSE? Mike Lowery: I'm the Devil! Who's asking? Blond Dread: The Devil... is not welcome... HEEEEEERRE!
Mike Lowery: It ain't exactly a pool, man. It's like a big-ass puddle wrapped in blue plastic.
Capt. Howard: 22 cars and a boat, totalled? How did hell you sink a boat?
Mike Lowery, Marcus Burnett: [singing] Bad boys, bad boys what ya gonna do? What ya gonna do when we come for you? Mike Lowery: [Marcus starts singing the verse] Dude, you gotta learn the words. Marcus Burnett: We usually only do the chorus.
Capt. Howard: I can't believe you guys. Do you get up in the morning, call each other up, 'Good morning, Marcus. Good morning, Mike. How you doin'? Ai'ight. So how we going to fuck up the captain's life today? Gee, I don't know. I don't know. Ooh, look. Over there. Let's kill three fat people and leave them on the street?'
[Repeated Line] Floyd Poteet: I've got my rights.
Capt. Howard: I've got a Police Commissioner so far up my ass, if he spits it's coming out of my mouth.
Capt. Howard: I've got so much brass up my ass that I can play the Star Spangled Banner.
Floyd Poteet: We've got our rights. Mike Lowery: Why don't you exercise your right to shut the fuck up?
Alexei: The Russian Grim Reaper is here.
Marcus Burnett: I think we just broke the record for the number of gun fights in one week.
Mike Lowery: Crash the ambulance into the mortuary now. Detective Mateo Reyes: [over radio] No way. I'm not getting suspended again. Mike Lowery: I'm gonna whoop your asses if you don't crash that ambulance into the mortuary now.
Mike Lowery: Change the station... more music less Marcus. If you open the door he'll be a black Dr. Phil for the next 40 minutes.
Mike Lowery: Captain, is it possible we can discuss potential reinbursement... Capt. Howard: The department doesn't cover personal property, that's why we drive police cars.
Marcus Burnett: [During a gun fight] Sir, we just want to talk. Mike Lowery: You want to talk? All right, go ahead, go ahead. Marcus Burnett: We're not immigration! Mike Lowery: [More gunfire] They can't hear you 'coz they still shootin' at you.
[after Mike's flashback about his therapy] Marcus Burnett: Mike, you go to therapy to get your issues worked out, not bang your therapist. Mike Lowry: Now you just talking nasty.
[to Mike] Marcus Burnett: You're like a pitbull with that pink thing hanging out.
Marcus Burnett: Look, Mike. Calm down! Mike Lowery: Calm down? I'm calm. I'm calm. Whoaa! Whoa! I am way too unstable for that bullshit! Stop all the goddamn movement! Everybody stop moving.
[to Syd] Megan Burnett: I bet you meet a lot of cute guys. Just like "Sex and the City". Marcus Burnett: Theresa, cancel the damn cable!
[Mike's way of saying I'm sorry] Mike Lowery: It's a donut. It's a medical thing. I got it from a maternity store. You know, a lot of pregnant women use it. They can put one cheek here and take the pressure off the other. For you, dawg. Marcus Burnett: Thoughtful.
Marcus Burnett: [opens his front door] Who the FUCK are you? Reggie: I'm Reggie, Mr. Burnett Marcus Burnett: How old are you? Reggie: I'm fifteen, Mr. Burnett Marcus Burnett: Motherfucker, you look thirty.
Marcus Burnett: To the DEA you're nothing but a honeypot Syd: What did you say? Marcus Burnett: It's no wonder you got the job because you look good in a bathing suit
Marcus Burnett: Police! Pull over! Stop the car! Mike Lowery: Not your badge, man! He has a gun, shoot him!
[after decimating the gang with gunfire] Mike Lowery: Now show 'em your badge!
[Top of dead body's head falls off as Marcus touches it's mouth. Marcus is sick] Mike Lowery: That's that bullshit, that's that bullshit. Marcus Burnett: Mike, the motherfuckin head fell off!
Mike Lowery: Rodney, I hear there's a boat on fire off the coast of Cuba. Rodney: Don't you think we oughta break international waters to help them out? Mike Lowery: That's my DAWG.
[after Mike lifted the sheet covering the dead bimbo in the morgue] Marcus Burnett: Mike, have some dignity! Mike Lowery: What? I ain't doin' nothin'. What am I gonna do with these big-ass fake dead titties? Marcus Burnett: But you're LOOKIN' at them. Mike Lowery: There is something seriously wrong with your brain man Marcus Burnett: Just cover up 'em titties.
Mike Lowery: We got a tip that these dope hounders were gonna do a hit on cash or drugs from this big time x-man. Marcus Burnett: That's what they call an ecstacy dealer on the streets. Capt. Howard: Marcus I know what they call them. That's why I'm Captain.
[Marcus interrogates a dead gang member] Marcus Burnett: Hey look, man, can you tell me who was driving the black Suburban? Huh? Oh he don't know nothin'. His brains is under the end table. [turns around to see another dead gang member] Marcus Burnett: He can't tell us shit, Mike. He's all fucked up. Mike Lowery: What's your point? Marcus Burnett: My point is that dead suspects can't say shit.
Marcus Burnett: Mike, I can't even get an erection. I tried taking Viagra. Popped one, popped two. I've been eating them like Skittles.
Mike Lowery: Ok look, we're a partnership, but we're a partnership with boundaries. We got a new rule. From now on you can't say the word flaccid to me. This is our little boundary box. We're gonna take the word flaccid and put it in there with my mom's titties and your erection problem and we gonna close this box and we gonna throw this bitch in the ocean. And the only way that you can get to this box is you gotta be motherfuckin' Jacques Cousteau.
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