Roy: Hey, I hope you don't mind, I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one, whew. [Takes a drink from the bucket] Mr. Boorg: We don't have a cow. We have a bull. Roy: I'm gonna brush my teeth.
(40 votes)
3
McCracken, Ernie: Hi... not you... hi.
(35 votes)
4
Roy: Some of the dresses ya' got, ya' need two hairdos to wear.
(31 votes)
5
Neighbor: Hey Roy, can you get sick from drinking piss? Roy: I think you can. Neighbor: Even if its your own?
(26 votes)
6
Ernie McCracken: You're on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.
(13 votes)
7
Roy: WHO YOU CALLIN' PSYCHO?
(7 votes)
8
Landlady: What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap? You really jarred something loose tiger.
(6 votes)
9
[On smoking] Ishmael: You should try to quit. They say its bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process. Roy: Who's done more research than the good people at the American Tobacco Industry? They say its harmless. Why would they lie? If you're dead, you can't smoke.
(5 votes)
10
ESPN Announcer: So Roy, where have you been for the last fifteen years? Roy: Well, I uh, well, ya see, I uh... Drinking. Lot a drinking. ESPN Announcer: I see. Well, are you still drinking? Roy: No. I uh... I put... uh... Why, you buying?
(4 votes)
11
Ishmael: I don't drink coffee. Roy: Why not? Ishmael: It's a stimulant. Roy: What the hell do you think cigarettes are? Ishmael: They are? [Roy nods] Ishmael: All right, make it extra large, two sugars, lots of cream. *Lots* of cream.
(5 votes)
12
Roy: [quietly] Shh, be quiet. [he trips and falls] Roy: Oww, I think I tore my sack. Ishmael: [loudly] Are you OK Mr. Munson? Roy: Shh, what did I just say? Ishmael: Uh, I think I tore my sack.
(3 votes)
13
Ernie McCracken: Do me a favor, will you? Would you mind washing off that perfume before you come back to our table?
(3 votes)
14
Ishmael: Run for the hills everybody, there's a giant shit-cloud coming.
(3 votes)
15
Roy: Take that, you piece of shit. You don't mow another guy's lawn.
(2 votes)
16
Roy: Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split? Ishmael: God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. It's okay. Roy: Yeah, well he blessed you, too, and I'll give you a hint what it is. It's round, has three holes, and you put your fingers into it. Ishmael: You leave Rebecca out of this.
(2 votes)
17
Little boy: Sometimes when I wake up in the morning Mr. McCracken's already there.
(2 votes)
18
McCracken, Ernie: It's a small world when you've got unbelievable tits Roy.
(2 votes)
19
Ishmael: Whatcha doin', Mr. Munson? Roy: Flossin'. Ishmael: Flossin? Where the hell did I get "Munson"? Roy: The name's Munson, what I'm doin' is flossin'.
(2 votes)
20
Roy: Just because you're familiar with the missionary position doesn't make you a missionary. Claudia: Look, Mr. Munster, you're not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across. Roy: Oh yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?
(2 votes)
21
Roy: How about a gross of fluorescent condoms for the the novelty machine in the men's room? I mean, those are fun even when you're alone. We're talkin' the hula hoop of the nineties. Lancaster Bowl Manager: Look, I've told you. We don't need nuthin'. We don't even have a novelty machine in the men's room anymore. Roy: And you call yourselves a bowling alley?
22
Ishmael: You been drinking, Mr. Munson? Roy: I don't puke when I drink. I puke when I don't.
23
Mr. Boorg: How many children do you have? Roy: None that I know of. I mean, I'm unable to have children. Nasty cheese grating accident as a boy.
24
Roy: I know what you're thinking, but let me explain... [Claudia kicks Roy in the crotch] Roy: [very softly] Mommy. You must have a really wide foot because you got both of them
25
[refering to Roy's hook for a hand] Claudia: It must be hard to spank your monkey. Ishmael: You have a monkey?
26
[Roy Munson is getting ready for his turn to bowl] Ernie McCracken: It all comes down to this roll. Roy Munson, a man-child, with a dream to topple bowling giant Ernie McCracken. If he strikes, he's the 1979 Odor-Eaters Champion. He's got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst. Roy: Hey. Do you mind? I wasn't talking when you were bowling. Ernie McCracken: Was I talking out loud? Was I? Sorry. Good luck.
27
McKnight Bowl Bartender: So, you two are dictionary salesmen? Roy: You would be punctilious in assuming that."
28
Roy: That coffee wasn't even hot. [Takes a sip of coffee] Roy: now, that's hot.
29
Mr. Boorg: Ishmael always was a strange boy, but he means well.
30
Claudia: Ishmael likes me. Roy: I promise you, you're not his type. Claudia: Oh, I'm his type. I'm every guy's type.
31
Ernie McCracken: Sometimes a bowler just has to face the music.
32
Claudia: He said handSOME, not handLESS.
33
Ishmael: Hi Mr. Skidmark.
34
McCracken, Ernie: Tanqueray and Tab and keep 'em comin'.
35
Ernie McCracken: One more time, sweetness.
36
Man in bowling alley: Come on, boy. Bowl! Roy: My name's not boy. It's Roy. [makes a spare] Roy: Roy Munson.
37
Ishmael: Okay, you want to bowl for some big money, hey? But I'll lose my entire bonus check because I'm so bombed. McKnight Bowl Bartender: You get that way from ginger ale? Roy: No, he was sniffing glue in the parking lot.
38
Ishmael: Ten frames? [scoffs] Ishmael: That's for Quakers.
39
Ishmael: No way. Uh-huh. There's no way I can bet. It's against my religion. I was raised to *not* be a gambler. There's no way I'm going to bet. Roy: Hey, hey, Ish. Ish! *Ish*! Ishmael: No. No! *No* way! Roy: Hey! Listen, you stupid banana head! You don't have to bet. I'll bet for you. Ishmael: Oh, that's cool. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? [Roy agrees by gesturing with his hook and then looks at it awkwardly]
40
Ishmael: I didn't want to be the one to tell him, but with those narrow hips, that girl couldn't have more than 6 or 7 children! [snickering]
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