Otis: It's all true. The bogeyman is real and you found him.
(44 votes)
2
Baby: I'll fucking cut your tits off and shove 'em down your throat!
(40 votes)
3
Otis: I'm the one who brings the Christmas candy. Now tell me, who's your daddy? I'm the one who brings the devil's brandy. Mother: Who's your daddy? Otis: I'm the one who beats you when you're bad. Baby: Who's your daddy? Mother: Who's your daddy? Otis: Come on, sweetie, give the old man some sugar. Denise Willis: Daddy, Daddy. Otis: And I'm the one who loves ya when you're fucking dead.
(39 votes)
4
Captain Spaulding: [after shooting Killer Karl] Goddamn, motherfucker got blood all over my best clown suit.
(37 votes)
5
[From the DVD menu select screen] Captain Spaulding: Well, shit the bed! Howdy folks, come on in! Well, I can see by those fancy britches and sassy hairdos that you all ain't from around here. So, where ya from? [holds hand to ear] Captain Spaulding: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Ah, I see. All ya all's must be mutes, cause ya wouldn't be fuckin' with me, now would ya?
(32 votes)
6
Otis: Huntin' humans ain't nothin' but nothin'. They all run like scared little rabbits. Run, rabbit, run. Run, rabbit. Run, rabbit. Run rabbit. Run, rabbit, run! RUN, RABBIT, RUN!
(12 votes)
7
Baby: We like to get fucked up, and do fucked up shit.
(9 votes)
8
Captain Spaulding: Howdy Folks! You like blood? Violence? Freaks of nature? Well then, come on down to Captain Spaulding's Museum of Monsters and Mad-Men. See the Alligator Boy, ride my famous Murder Ride. Most of all, don't forget to take home some of my tasty fried chicken! Ha ha! It just tastes so damn good!
(9 votes)
9
Stucky: [shows a topless autographed photo of June Wilkinson] Shit, I can't do nothing with this now. I can't get rid of this. It ain't worth nothing. My name's all over it. I was gonna fix it to trade it with Jackie Cobb. Captain Spaulding: That retard who hangs out at Molly's fruit stand? For the lot of me, I do not understand why you hang out with that asshole. Stucky: He's one horney retard. Captain Spaulding: Well hell, arn't they all? All they want to do is eat and fuck. Stucky: Well, if you knew him better you might understand his urges. Captain Spaulding: Worse than a rabid-ass baboon. Stucky: You know what his favorite thing is next to whacking his weasel? He takes a sharpened pencil, sticks it in his eyeball and twists it. Captain Spaulding: What? Stucky: He doesn't hurt himself. He kind of twists it next to his eyeball. Captain Spaulding: Oh, he's been putting that pencil someplace other than his eyeball. Stucky: Oh no, he don't do anything like that. Although one time, he got caught with a Planet of the Apes doll stuck up his asshole. Captain Spaulding: [laughing] God damn! Stucky: They had to take him to the hospital. The kid had Dr. Zira's stuck halfway up his butt and they couldn't get it out!
(10 votes)
10
Captain Spaulding: But MOST of all... fuck YOU!
(9 votes)
11
Grandpa Hugo: I hate fucked up families.
(8 votes)
12
Otis: Boy, I bet you'd stick your head in fire if I told ya you could see Hell. Meanwhile, you're too stupid to realize you got a demon stickin' out your ass singing, "Holy Miss Moley, [Whole family joins in] Otis: Got me a live one."
(8 votes)
13
Killer Karl: That is it! I'm gonna count to ten and you're gonna hand over all the cash, or I'm gonna splatter your grease paint mug across the state line! One... Captain Spaulding: Fuck yo mama! Killer Karl: Two... Captain Spaulding: Fuck yo sister! Killer Karl: Three... Captain Spaulding: Fuck yo grandma!
(6 votes)
14
Rufus 'R.J.' Firefly Jr.: [chanting with family] Otis! Otis! Otis!
(6 votes)
15
[a cheerleader screams] Otis: Shut your mouth! [more screams] Otis: I said, shut your fucking mouth! [screams] Otis: Listen, you Malibu middle class Barbie piece of shit, I'm tryin' to work here. Work? You ever work? Yeah, I'll bet you have. Scoopin' ice cream to your shit-heel friends on summer break. Well I ain't talkin' about no goddamn white socks with Mickey Mouse on one side and Donald Duck on the other. I ain't readin' no funny books, mama. Our bodies come and go but this blood... is forever.
(6 votes)
16
Mother: Otis! There's cops outside! Grandpa Hugo: What? How many? Otis: Oh, don't worry about it! How many were there? Mother: I only saw one. Otis: Fucking pigs always come in packs. Here take this go down stairs and play nice, I'll go around back and take control like I always fuckin' do! [Grandpa Hugo flips Otis off]
(8 votes)
17
[two masked holdup men break into Captain Spaudling's place to rob it] Captain Spaulding: Mary fuckin' Moses! Ya' all get the fuck outa here! Killer Karl: Hands up! Keep your paws where I can see 'em. Richard Wick: Yeah, d-don't move or I'll b-blast a hole the size of a k-Kansas City watermelon through your ugly-ass b-bozo face. Captain Spaulding: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
(7 votes)
18
Baby: Give me a "B", give me an "A", give me a "B" give me a "Y", What's that spell? What's that spell? WHAT'S THAT SPELL?
(6 votes)
19
Mary Knowles: Fuck you, you fucking freak.
(4 votes)
20
Captain Spaulding: You miserable motherfucker, I ought to leap over this counter and bash your fuckin' balls in. Killer Karl: All right, Tippy, hand over the cash box and I might leave your brains inside your skull. Captain Spaulding: Well, I'll tell you what, Ski King, why don't you just take your Mama home some chicken and then I won't have to stuff my boot all up in ya ass. Killer Karl: I don't like chicken. And, I hate clowns.
(4 votes)
21
Baby: You know we like to get fucked up? Gerry Ober: Yeah, I like to get fucked up too! Baby: Yeah, I'll bet you do.
(8 votes)
22
Stucky: Hey, I know you. You work down at the hardware store. Richard Wick right? All the guys make fun out of you. They call you 'Little Dick Wick.' They even sing a song about you. Richard Wick: Shut your trap. Stucky: [sing-song] 'Little Dick Wick, played with his prick, don't his smell just make you sick?'
(4 votes)
23
Baby: There once was a woman who lived with her daughter in a cabbage garden; along came a rabbit and ate up all the cabbages; the woman said, "Go into the garden and drive out the rabbit."
(3 votes)
24
Jerry Goldsmith: That was so badass! Dr. Satan! Ahhh! Dr. Satan!
(3 votes)
25
Lt. George Wydell: [holds a photo of Denise] Have you seen this girl in the past 24 hours? Captain Spaulding: Yeah, cute kid. Ain't my type though. You know, I like 'em with a little more meat on 'em. Ha ha. The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'. Deputy Steve Naish: Come on clownie, just answer the damn questions. We ain't intersted in your love life. Lt. George Wydell: Cut the crap Spaulding and get with the facts.
(6 votes)
26
Deputy Steve Naish: You can shit ten bricks for all I care.
(4 votes)
27
Captain Spaulding: I know what your problem is. Bill Hudley: What's that? Captain Spaulding: Ya'll think us folk from the country's real funny-like, dontcha? Bill Hudley: Jerry... Captain Spaulding: Yeah, well saddle up the mule, ma. Slide me some grits, I's got to get me some edu-cation, uh hu hu hu. Bill Hudley: Jerry... Captain Spaulding: You asshole!
(6 votes)
28
Mother: My baby boy gets shy around new people, but he'll warm up to you, especially the girls! [laughs] Mother: He's a real lady KILLER!
(2 votes)
29
Skunk Ape Husband: I don't know where that Skunk Ape sleeps, but I do know that he had impure relations with my wife. Skunk Ape Wife: That is true, he committed lewd acts upon me and my person. Skunk Ape Husband: When I find him, I'm gonna kill that Skunk Ape!
(2 votes)
30
Jerry Goldsmith: Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey!
(2 votes)
31
Baby: Hey, Poopy-pants. What's new?
(2 votes)
32
Deputy Steve Naish: What else happended? Captain Spaulding: [getting angry and impatient] Nothin'. You ask me, those stupid kids probably got turned around ass backwards and got themselves lost. Lt. George Wydell: Is that all? Now, I want you to think really hard. [Spaulding scratches his head with his forefinger, mocking "thinking hard"] Captain Spaulding: Well, I don't really know. You see, they wasn't in here long enough for me to get up close and personal with them like I do most of the other assholes that come wondering in here!
(2 votes)
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