[Asking how badly his life is affected by the agoraphobia] Dr. Klein: And your personal relationships? Roy: [Laughing] What personal relationships? Dr. Klein: When was the last time you were in one? You know... a relationship? Roy: With a woman? A long time ago. Dr. Klein: Five years? Ten years...? Roy: Keep going, man.
(44 votes)
2
Angela: She said you were a bad guy. You don't seem like a bad guy. Roy: That's what makes me good at it.
(46 votes)
3
Angela: You're a con man? Roy: Con Artist
(52 votes)
4
Roy: Rule no. 1: Don't work where you live. Angela: [writing] Don't... shit... where... Roy: [grabbing her notepad] Rule no. 2: Don't write anything down.
(46 votes)
5
Roy: Look, Doc, I spent last Tuesday watching fibers on my carpet. And the whole time I was watching my carpet, I was worrying that I, I might vomit. And the whole time, I was thinking, "I'm a grown man. I should know what goes on my head." And the more I thought about it... the more I realized that I should just blow my brains out and end it all. But then I thought, well, if I thought more about blowing my brains out... I start worrying about what that was going to do to my goddamn carpet. Okay, so, ah-he, that was a GOOD day, Doc. And, and I just want you to give me some pills and let me get on with my life.
(48 votes)
6
Roy: Have you ever been dragged to the sidewalk and beaten till you PISSED... BLOOD!
(3 votes)
7
Angela: You're not a bad guy, you know. You're just not a very good one.
8
Frank Mercer: You waited too long. No prize for you.
9
Roy: For some people, money is... money is a foreign film without subtitles.
10
Frank Mercer: [on the phone] Roy [burps] Frank Mercer: I wouldn't bother you, but, well I'm dying Roy, it's my spleen, I can't... I can't feel my thumbs.
11
Angela: My dad's a smooth operator!
12
Frank Mercer: There's just one problem. Roy: What? Frank Mercer: I think I'm in love with you.
13
Angela: Nice to meet you, Dad. Roy: Nice to meet you, Dad. [realises what he's said and shakes his head]
14
Roy: Let his greed meet his imagination.
15
Roy: My associate tells me you have FIVE grandkids? WOW!
16
Roy: I'm not ver good at being a father, all right? I barely get by just being me.
17
Roy: uhhh... uhhh... That was WRONG what you did! And... and... you're a NOSY PARKER! And that's no way for a young lady to behave! And... SHAME ON YOU!
18
Angela: Teach me something! Roy: What? Angela: Teach me something! A con. Roy: You're funny.
19
Dr. Klein: Let me ask you something. What would you do if you had to change careers? Roy: You mean if I wasn't an antiques broker? Dr. Klein: If you weren't a criminal. Roy: Huh? [twitches]
20
Roy: She left the door open. It was BITCHIN'!
21
Frank Mercer: Okay, I'd just like to, you know, take a girl out somewhere nice once in a while. Roy: You have to pay extra for that?
22
Roy: You lookin' for something, sucker? Frank Mercer: Yeah. My partner. You seen him? He's been missing most of the week. Tall, good-looking guy. Frank Mercer: Man, you are bad! Did you take your pills?
23
Angela: If you're gonna get wet, might as well go swimming.
24
Roy: I gotta go. I've got a big business meeting. Angela: This late? Roy: Antiques. They wait for no man.
25
Angela: You don't have a TV? SERIOUSLY you don't have a TV? Roy: Well there's a couch, if you want to sit. Or over there if you prefer. Or the couch.
26
Angela: New York Super Fudge Chunk. That's my favourite flavour. Roy: New York...? Angela: Super Fudge Chunk. Roy: Oh chocolate! Right.
27
Roy: You good to go? Frank Mercer: Does the Pope pooh in the woods?
28
Roy: Fourteen! You're fourteen! When'd you have TIME to get arrested?
29
Frank Mercer: You want your forty g's? Roy: Consider it a parting gift. Frank Mercer: We should part more often.
30
Roy: I'm not a criminal. I'm a con man. Dr. Klein: The difference being? Roy: They give me their money. Dr. Klein: That's a nice rationalization, Roy.
31
[first lines] Roy: Uno, due, tre.
32
[last lines] Roy: Hi. Cashier: That'll be $36.50, sir.
33
Roy: [Panicing] When... you're done, could you... wipe off the phone? Frank Mercer: Yeah sure [wipes on the back off his pants and his crotch] Frank Mercer: How's that? Roy: Oh God! Frank Mercer: Whoa! I'm just kidding, just kidding!
34
Dr. Klein: I have news, your neurosis is small. Roy: What? You fucking quack!
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