Bruce: How do you make somebody love you without affecting free will? God: [scoffs] Welcome to my world, son.
(83 votes)
4
Bruce: [breaking out of a freeze] Hi, Susan! Grace: Oh, thank you, God. Bruce: Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York. Bruce: First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the "blue heart of the ocean" jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off? Grace: [gasps in disbelief] Bruce: Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, suckin' up all the glory. Oh, well. No big deal. [mashes and discards stupid umbrella hat] Control Booth Operator: Oh, boy. Bruce: Oh, look! It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill... Bill, Ferry Owner: That's all right. Bruce: No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on, let's have a talk. Grace: Come on. What are you *doing*? Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job? Bill, Ferry Owner: Hey, man, I don't want any problems... Bruce: [messes his hair] Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock [shouts] Bruce: of my life, eroding beneath me? [sticking his face into the camera] Bruce: Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding. Jack: Cut the feed. Cut to black. Control Booth Operator: I'm on it. Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!
(75 votes)
5
Bruce: Where are you going? God: I'm taking a vacation. Bruce: God doesn't take vacations. Does he?... Do... ye? God: Did you ever hear of the dark ages? Besides, I'm covered. You can clear everything up in five minutes, if you want to. Right?
(73 votes)
6
[repeated line] Bruce: B-E-A-utiful.
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Bruce: B-E-A-utiful. Come on, let's go back inside and have a shit.
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[on Buffalo's biggest cookie] Bruce: We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music.
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Bruce: Behind every great man... is a woman rolling her eyes
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Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan with Eyewitness Nose... Eyewitness Nose... that's right!
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Bruce: Ally, can we get a recap? Ally Loman: You remember the Kowalskis? They've owned the shop for thirty years and they're attempting to set a record by making Buffalo's largest cookie.
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Grace: You still have to go over there, the nurse is waiting. Bruce: Oh, do I have to? Grace: Oh, it's not going to hurt. In fact I think you might find it quite pleasurable.
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Bruce: [being overwhelmed with hearing prayers] Give me a break! [Bruce is instantly transported to meet with God] God: Really something, isn't it? Bruce: Is this heaven? God: No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all. [pause] Bruce: I'm *dead*? God: Naw, I'm just messing with ya. Bruce: That's not funny, Man! That is *not* funny.
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Grace: So God is picking on you?
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Grace: It's weird. I woke up this morning and I swear my boobs felt bigger. Do they look bigger to you? Bruce: Bigger?
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Bruce: The only one around here not doing his job is you!
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Bruce: There were so many. I just gave them all what they want. God: Yeah. But since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?
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God: Grace. You want her back? Bruce: No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes. God: Now THAT'S a prayer.
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Bruce: Love me. Love me. Grace: ...I did.
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God: Allllllrighty then.
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Grace: I've never seen the moon that big. Bruce: We really shouldn't waste it.
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God: You can't kneel down in the middle of a highway and live to talk about it, son.
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[referring to the seven fingers on Bruce's right hand] God: I did the same thing to Gandhi, he didn't eat for three weeks.
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Grace: Oh, God. Bruce: You can call me Bruce.
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Bruce: I am Bruce Almighty. My will be done.
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Bruce: Lord, feed the hungry, and bring peace to all of mankind. How's that? God: Great... If you wanna be Miss America.
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Bruce: And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
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Bruce: Nice to meet you, g-d. Nice job on the Grand Canyon and good luck with the apocalypse.
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Bruce: [sticking up his middle finger and pretending he's playing a jazz tune] I can hold that note all day, buddy.
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Grace: I've got a very rare blood type. I'm AB positive. Bruce: Well I'm IB positive. I be positive they ain't touching me with no needle.
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Bruce: I can do it, Jack. I can be like Evan. Jack: You don't want to be like Evan. Evan's an asshole. Bruce: I can be an asshole. Jack: No you can't. [Bruce knocks over Jack's sandwich] Jack: You going to get that? Bruce: Yeah I'm sorry.
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Grace: Debbie won the lottery. Bruce: Oh, yeah? You're kidding. Grace: But I guess so did 400,000 other people, so she only won, like, $17.
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Bruce: Okay, prayer beads, 'God, please give me a sign.' [Truck with Danger signs passes him]
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[Bruce wakes up in the hospital and he's holding the prayer beads] Bruce: Okay, now you're just showing off.
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Hood: You want me and the homies to apologize right? [Bruce nods] Hood: Okay Cool, man, the day a monkey comes out of my butt is the day you'll get your sorry. Bruce: Well, how ironic, cause that's TODAY.
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Bruce: Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy.
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Bruce: Bruce giveth and Bruce taketh away. Don't like it? Megabyte me.
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Bruce: I needed time to reassess my goals and get in touch with my true self. Jack: You did that in a day? Bruce: Imagine what I could do in seven...
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God: Bruce, you have a divine spark. You have a gift for bringing joy and laughter to the world. I know, I created you. Bruce: Quit bragging.
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God: People want me to do everything for them. What they don't realize is that they have the power. You want to see a miracle? Be the miracle.
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Bruce: Would it help if I said I was being a complete ass? Kid: Hey. You said "ass". Bruce: Yeah, but it's ok if I'm talkin' about a donkey.
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Bruce and God: It's GOOD.
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Bruce: It's good. It's goooooood!
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Bruce: So you're the janitor, electrician, the boss. Must be one hell of a Christmas party... don't drink though, cuz one of you might need a ride home [laughing] God: [laughing] You've always had a sense of humor, Bruce, just like your father.
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Bruce: Sometimes anticipation can heighten the... pleasure [Growls] Grace: Oh! Bruce: It's a funny thing about pleasure. Grace: Wow. Bruce: It can be quite... [yells] Bruce: PLEASURABLE! Grace: [Bruce's mind control sexually arouses Grace; Grace falls to the toilet seat; chuckles] Oh, my God. Ooh. Bruce: [Mind controlling arousing continutes] Pleasurable, pleasurable, pleasurable... Grace: Oh, God! [Moaning] Grace: Oh, Good God!
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[at the bakery, Vol is picking his nose ] Bruce: It's a good thing I'm wearing this [tugs at hair net] Bruce: because I wouldn't want any stray hairs falling into the booger!
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Bruce: Smite me, oh mighty Smiter.
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Announcer: Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six, with Susan Ortega, Evan Baxter, Fred Donahue Sports, Dallas Coleman Weather. And now, Buffalo's Number One News Team. Susan Ortega: Good Evening and welcome to Eyewitness News at Six. I'm Susan Ortega. Evan Baxter: And I'm Evan Baxter and here's what's making news. A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.D. surfaced today when the mayor d-bow debit [choked off] Evan Baxter: [high pitched] D-bow d-bit d-bow [unintelligible chicken squawking] Evan Baxter: Bucka-bow, dee buck. Director: Someone get him some water please. Susan Ortega: Looks like my new co-anchor may need a glass of water. Evan Baxter: [clears throat] Oh, there we go. Sorry about that. In other news the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today and my tiny little nipples went to France. Director: What'd he just say? Check the prompter. Technician: The prompter's fine. Director: Evan, READ THE COPY. Please. The copy's good. Just read it. Evan Baxter: The White House reception committee greeted the Prime Ribroast Minister and... I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I lik-a do da cha-cha. I'm sorry we seem to be having some technical difficulties. In other news [breaks wind] Evan Baxter: Ohhhh. My apologies. Bulla blah, bulla blabity bulla bla [rapid unitelligible gibberish] Evan Baxter: Blabity blab bulla blah [explosive gibberish] Evan Baxter: [continues for 35 seconds] [vaguely Chinese] Evan Baxter: Kaa kaa poo poo. PEE PEE [nervous laugh]
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[last "line" in the film] Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "ARMAGEDON OUTA HERE"
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[as Bruce arrives late to work] Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "R EWE BLIND"
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