Other Titles • The Royal Tenenbaums • Die Royal Tenenbaums (2002)
Quotes from The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
1
Pagoda: He got the cancer.
(135 votes)
2
Ethel: How long have you been a smoker? Margot: 22 years. Ethel: Well I think you should quit.
(135 votes)
3
[Pagoda stabs Royal] Royal: That's the last time you put a knife in me! Y'hear me?
(124 votes)
4
Eli: I wish you'd've done this for me when I was a kid. Richie: But you didn't have a drug problem then. Eli: Yeah, but it still would've meant a lot to me.
(124 votes)
5
Royal: Lets shag ass.
(121 votes)
6
Margot: I think we're just gonna to have to be secretly in love with each other and leave it at that, Ritchie.
(11 votes)
7
Eli: [reading part of his newest novel at a press conference] The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. "Vámonos, amigos," he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight.
(9 votes)
8
Eli: Why would a reviewer make the point of saying someone's *not* a genius? Do you especially think I'm *not* a genius? You didn't even have to think about it, did you?
(6 votes)
9
Royal: Can we get somebody over here to kill these mice for us? Margot: No. They belong to Chas. Or anyway he invented them. Royal: Get him to stick them in a fucking cage or something.
(6 votes)
10
Richie: Margot said you told her I was in love with her. Eli: Why would she tell you that when I specifically asked her not to? Richie: I might ask you the same thing. Eli: Yes, and rightfully so.
(5 votes)
11
Richie: Did you say you were on Mescaline? Eli: I did indeed. Very much so.
(5 votes)
12
Royal: I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman.
(5 votes)
13
Eli: I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum. Royal: Me too, me too.
(4 votes)
14
Eli: What'd you say? Richie: Hmm? I didn't say anything. Eli: When? Right now?
(4 votes)
15
Raleigh: She's balling Eli Cash.
(4 votes)
16
Margot: Do you send my mother your clippings and your grades from college? Eli: Please stop belittling me.
(3 votes)
17
Royal: I got a pretty bad case of cancer. Chas: [yawns] How long you gonna last? Royal: Not long. Chas: A month? A year? Royal: About six weeks. Let me get to the point, the three of you and your mother are all I've got and I love you more than anything. [Chas scoffs and mock laughs] Royal: Chas, let me finish here. I've got six weeks to set things right with you and I aim to do it. Will you give me a chance? Chas: No? Royal: Do you speak for everyone? Chas: I speak for myself.
(3 votes)
18
Eli: I'm very sorry, Margot. Margot: It's okay. We're not actually related anyway. Eli: True.
(3 votes)
19
[about Margot's play] Young Chas Tenenbaum: What'd you think, Dad? Royal: Didn't seem believable to me. [to Eli] Royal: Why are you wearing pajamas? Do you live here? Young Richie Tenenbaum: He has permission to sleep over. Young Chas Tenenbaum: Well, did you at least think the characters were well developed? Royal: What characters? There's a bunch of little kids dressed up in animal costumes. Young Margot Tenenbaum: Good night, everyone. Royal: Well, sweetie, don't get mad at me. That's just one man's opinion.
(2 votes)
20
Richie: Did you tell Margot about that letter I wrote to you? Eli: Why? Did she mention it? Yes, I did. Why would she repeat that? Richie: I would ask you the same question.
(2 votes)
21
Royal: Oh, that's right. We got another body buried here.
(2 votes)
22
Royal: Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hittin' the cemetery?
(2 votes)
23
Eli: Well, everyone knows Custer died at Little Bighorn. What this book presupposes is... maybe he didn't.
(2 votes)
24
Chas: Can we read it? Richie: No. Chas: Can you paraphrase it for us? Richie: I don't think so. Chas: Is it dark? Richie: Of course it's dark. It's a suicide note.
(2 votes)
25
Medical Student: Can the boy tell time? Raleigh: Oh, my Lord, no!
(2 votes)
26
[after being exposed and thrown out of the house] Royal: The past six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life. Narrator: Immediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true.
(2 votes)
27
Royal: Everyone's against me. Pagoda: It's your fault, man. Royal: I know but dammit, I want this family to love me. How much money you got? Pagoda: I don't have. Royal: What? You're Broke? You gotta be kidding me! How are we gonna pay for this room? [Pagoda shrugs] Royal: Alright, I'll think of something... Ow.
(2 votes)
28
[after the fire drill] Chas: Four minutes, forty-eight seconds. We're all dead. Burned to a crisp.
(2 votes)
29
Ethel: What are you talking about? Chas: The apartment. I have to get some new sprinklers and a back-up security system installed. Ethel: But there are no sprinklers here either. Chas: We might have to do something about that too.
(2 votes)
30
Uzi Tenenbaum: Who's your father? Chas: His name is Royal Tenenbaum. Ari: You told us he was already dead. Chas: Yeah, well now he's really dying.
(2 votes)
31
Eli: How's Richie? Margot: I don't know. I can't tell. Eli: Yeah, me neither. He wrote me a letter. He says he's in love with you. Margot: What are you talking about? Eli: That's what he said. I don't know how we're supposed to take it.
(2 votes)
32
[after seeing Royal asleep on a hospital bed with a heart monitor and IV at his bedside] Chas: Get out.
(2 votes)
33
[after seeing Eli on TV] Royal: What the hell kind of way to act is that? Richie: He's on drugs.
(2 votes)
34
Richie: I think he's very lonely. Lonelier than he lets on. Maybe lonelier than he even realizes. Ethel: Have you spoken to him about this? Richie: Briefly. And he agreed that - Chas: I'm sorry, maybe I'm a little confused here. What are you suggesting? Richie: That he come here and stay in my room. Chas: Are you out of your mind? Richie: No. I'm not. Anyway I think he'd be much more comfortable here than at - Chas: Who gives a shit? Richie: I do. Chas: You poor sucker. You poor, washed up papa's boy.
35
Henry Sherman: Call me Henry. Chas: I prefer Mr. Sherman. Ethel: Call him Henry. Chas: Why? I don't know him that well. Ethel: You've known him for ten years.
36
Chas: Looks like you and Dad are back together again, huh. Richie: He's your dad too, Chas. Chas: No, he's not. Richie: Yes, he is. Chas: You really hate me, don't you? Richie: No. I don't. I love you. Chas: Well, I don't know what you think you're gonna get out of this, but believe me, whatever it is, it's not worth it. Richie: Chas. I don't want to hurt you. I know what you and the boys have been through. You're my brother and I love you. Chas: Stop saying that!
37
Ethel: How're you feeling? Richie: Fine, thanks. Ethel: Are you in any pain? Richie: Not really. Chas: Why'd you try to kill yourself?
38
[after Richie tells him he might be in love with Margot] Royal: Margot Tenenbaum?
39
Richie: Are we still friends? Eli: What? Richie: Are we? Eli: Of course. How can you even ask me that? Richie: Doesn't matter. Eli: Doesn't matter? It does matter. Richie: I heard about you and Margot. Eli: [long pause] I'm sorry.
40
[the priest breaks his ankle and is being loaded into the ambulance] Raleigh: Do you have an alternate? Priest: No. Raleigh: Are there priests on call?
41
[to Royal] Chas: Please don't come in this room.
42
Royal: I'm dying, baby. I'm sick as a dog. I'll be dead in six weeks. I'm dying. Ethel: What are you talking about? What happened? Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I didn't know. What'd they say? What's the prognosis? Royal: Take it easy, Ethel. Hold on. Hold on. Ethel: Where's the doctor? Let's get - Royal: Wait a second. Listen. I'm not dying. But I need some time. A month. Maybe two. I want us to - Ethel: What's wrong with you? Royal: Ethel. Ethel: Go away! Royal: Baby. I am dying. Ethel: Are you or aren't you? Ethel: Dying? Yes.
43
Chas: Please! Mr. Sherman, this is a family matter. Margot: Don't talk to him like that. Henry Sherman: Call me Henry. Chas: I prefer Mr. Sherman. Ethel: Call him Henry. Chas: Why? I don't know him that well. Ethel: You've known him for 10 years! Chas: Yes, as your accountant, Mr. Sherman.
44
Eli: I'm not in love with you any more. Margot: I didn't ever know that you were. Eli: Let's not make this any more difficult than it already is.
45
Raleigh: You made a cuckold of me. Margot: I know. Raleigh: Many times over. Margot: So sorry.
46
[Royal motions to Pagoda] Royal: He saved my life, you know. Thirty years ago. I was knifed at a bazaar in Calcutta, and he carried me to the hospital on his back. Ari: Who stabbed you? [Royal motions to Pagoda again] Royal: He did. There was a price on my head, and he was a hired assassin. Stuck me in the gut with a shiv.
47
Raleigh: Do you have an alternate? Priest: No. Raleigh: Are there priests on call?
48
Dudley Heinsbergen: You wanna play some word games, or do some experiments on me or anything?
49
[Royal tells his children of his impending divorce] Richie: Is it because of us? Royal: Well, of course, certain sacrifices had to be made as a result of having children. But heavens, no.
50
Royal: I thought I'd start by taking you out to visit your grandmother. Richie: God, I haven't been out there in years. Margot: I've never been at all. I was never invited. Royal: Well she wasn't your real grandmother, and I didn't know how much interest you had. But you're invited now!
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