Other Titles • American Pie 2 • Secret Disguise (2001)
Quotes from American Pie 2 (2001)
1
Jim's Dad: You may be Jimbo, or Jumbo, or Jimbodini to those guys in there, but there are still two people who haven't forgotten where James Emmanuel Levenstein came from. We're awful proud of you son. Jim: Thanks, Dad. Jim's Dad: Don't forget your penis cream.
(26 votes)
2
[Stifler thinks champagne is being poured onto his head when he's actually being urinated on from the balcony] Stifler: I can taste the bubbles.
(26 votes)
3
Little Boy: [into walky-talky] Red leader, what's your position? Stifler: [on walky-talky] I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin his ass, I'm touchin' his ass... Little Boy: Mommy!
(26 votes)
4
Trumpet Kid: You suck, retard. Jim: I'm not retarded, I'm a very special boy. [Jim rams the kid in the face with his trombone]
(26 votes)
5
Michelle: Now don't freak out I'm gonna do something to push your threshold. Jim: Ow that's cold. What is that? Michelle: I just shoved a trumpet in your ass. Aren't intsruments fun?
(26 votes)
6
Stifler: Holy shit dude. I found a dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Big blue rubber dicks for everyone. The people demand rubber dicks. Jim: What are you doing? Stifler: Looking for more lesbian artifacts. [hands Jim the dildo] Jim: Where did you get this? Stifler: Finch's ass.
(1 vote)
7
Stifler: You're a disgrace to men everywhere. I mean, look at the Stifmeister. I got laid 23 times this year, and I'm not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby. Oz: Here's a new idea for you Stifler. You find a girl, you two become best friends and you don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other you just laugh at the people who do count. Stifler: Here's a new idea for you. I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.
(1 vote)
8
Stifler: Finch, fist yourself!
(1 vote)
9
Kevin: My brother said by the end of the summer I'll get the big picture. And I see it. No matter what, times change, things are different. But the problem is, I don't want them to be.
10
Stifler: Jim. Can't you keep your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away.
11
Michelle's Friend: You are so sweet. He *is* special. Michelle: He's my bitch.
12
Jim's Dad: [to Natalie's Dad] Hi, I'm Jim's Dad. You must be the parents of this young lady. I didn't get your daughter's name, but I'm pretty sure my son did.
13
[during drive to lake] Stifler: Oh, yeah. The Stifmeister's coming back to Grand Harbor. Deck the halls. Bye-bye, Great Falls. Wipe my ass and lick my balls. It's Stifler time, baby. Whoo-hoo-hoo. Whoo-hoo-hoo.
14
Jim: I kind of super-glued myself to... uh... myself.
15
Michelle: Holy Potatoes.
16
Jim: Nadia, please don't take this the wrong way - You are everything I... used to want in a woman, and as much as I'm really... really going to regret this, I think I need to be with someone else. Nadia: You... you want the band geek? Jim: Nadia, I *am* a band geek. I just never joined the band.
17
Jim: Nadia will be expecting filet mignon, okay, and all I'm going to be able to give her is rump roast. Oz: What are you so worried about? You've had experience since Nadia. Jim: Ah, yes. You would be referring to the flute fetish band geek, who made me her bitch, and ditched me after prom.
18
[talking to a picture of Stifler's Mom ] Finch: How did you do that magic you did?
19
Jim: Was I any good that night? Michelle: Jeez how could I forget? You sucked. You didn't know what the hell you were doing. But wasn't it fun even though you were so terrible? Jim: I'm sorry, "terrible?" Michelle: I've had worse. Jim: Oh. Michelle: Oh, sorry. I just... ah... I could give you some pointers. If you want.
20
Jessica: If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. OK, so if Kevin is saying it's been three girls it's more like one or none. Vicky: None? Jessica: The rule of three. It's an exact science. Consistent as gravity.
21
Stifler: When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you fuckers learn anything in college?
Stifler: There's little hearts on her panties. There's little hearts on her panties.
26
Michelle: Okay, pretend I'm a hot girl. Now what do you want to do? Jim: I want to feel your boobs. Michelle: No, you dingbat. You don't just go groping away. You gotta pre-heat the oven before you stick in the turkey.
27
[trying to return the dildo Stifler found] Jim: Which room, man? Which room? Stifler: I can't remember shit, man, I was too excited! I'm in a lesbian stronghold.
28
Stifler: Ladies, I am down with the funky shit.
29
[Noticing the women's natural attraction to Oz] Jim: Amazing. Stifler: Yes, the force is strong in that one.
30
Heather: [Interrupted during phone call] Marco can you get your balls off me? Oz: Heather what the hell is going on over there?
31
Stifler: You stay the fuck away from that ficus. That is a jiz-free ficus.
32
Michelle: This one time... um, here.
33
Trucker: Squeeze his ass son, you'll like it.
34
Jim: What are you doing here? Stifler's Brother: Pussy man, I'm here for the pussy. Jim: Take a number.
35
[Stifler and Finch are fighting after Stifler found Finch in his mom's room] Jim: Okay, guys, we went through this last summer, all right? Finch got a black eye and Stifler got six stitches Stifler: Cause he fuckin' bit me! Finch: You touch me, I bite.
36
Jim: Do you know where i could find Michelle Flaherty? Trumpet Kid: Guests bring food. Food attracts animals. This one time, a bear came. And then the bear had to be destroyed. Which means they shot it in the head with a rifle, and killed it, and it died. Jim: Yeah, you must know Michelle.
37
Danielle: [Jim has Amber's dildo while under the bed] Johnny West is missing.
38
Nadia: Fuck me, geek! Sherman: Affirmative!
39
Male EMT: [when Stifler jumps onto the ambulance where Jim is being treated] Excuse me, sir, are you a family member? Stifler: Fuck no, this is just too good to miss!! Male EMT: OK sir, you're just gonna have to wait here. All right? Stifler: [ambulance drives away] Ha, ha! This summer's turned out to be great!
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