Other Titles • Bridget Jones's Diary • Bridget Jones (2001)
Quotes from Bridget Jones's Diary (2001)
1
Bridget: I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. Well, I meant it, but I was so stupid... After all, it's only a diary. Everyone knows diaries are just... full of crap. Mark Darcy: Yes, I know that. I was just buying you a new one.
(53 votes)
2
Pam Jones: Up close, he was almost purple.
(43 votes)
3
Daniel Cleaver: There once was a young woman from Ealing, / Who had a particular feeling. / She lay on her back, / And opened her crack, / And pissed all over the ceiling.
(38 votes)
4
Natasha: So how autobiographical is your work, Salman? Salman Rushdie: You know its an amazing thing, nobody has ever asked me that question.
(40 votes)
5
Richard Finch: Why do you wanna work on television? Bridget: I've got to leave my job because I shagged my boss. Richard Finch: Fair enough. Start on Monday.
(30 votes)
6
Mark Darcy: [about Bridget's attempt at caper berry gravy] I have to say, this really is the most incredible shit.
(15 votes)
7
Daniel Cleaver: [after crashing through the window] Uhh... Jesus. All right. Mark Darcy: All right? Daniel Cleaver: Enough. Mark Darcy: Enough enough. [Darcy begins to walk away] Daniel Cleaver: Wanker. [Darcy punches him hard, knocking Cleaver down]
(5 votes)
8
Bridget: Did I really run round your lawn naked? Mark Darcy: Oh, yes. You were four and I was eight. Bridget: Well, that's a pretty big age difference. It's quite pervy really. Mark Darcy: Yes, I like to think so.
(3 votes)
9
Bridget: [to carolers] Bugger off.
(3 votes)
10
Bridget: This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.
11
Pam Jones: [to Bridget] Frankly darling, if I had the chance again I wouldn't have had children.
12
Mark Darcy: All right Cleaver, outside. Daniel Cleaver: (Half laughing)I'm sorry? Outside? Should I bring my dueling pistols or my sword?
13
Bridget: I owe you an apology about Daniel. He said you ran off with his fiancée and left him brokenhearted. Mark Darcy: No, it was the other way around. My wife. My heart.
14
Daniel Cleaver: Now these are very silly little boots, Jones. And this is a very silly little dress. And, um, these are, fuck me, absolutely enormous panties. Bridget: Jesus. Fuck. Daniel Cleaver: No, no. Don't apologize. I like them. Hello, Mummy. [they kiss] Daniel Cleaver: I'm sorry, I have to have another look. They're too good to be true. Bridget: No... Daniel Cleaver: They're nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm wearing something similar myself.
15
Shazzer: Look, are you coming to fucking Paris or not? Bridget: Um, not. Shazzer: No fucking room, anyway.
16
Bridget: Resolution #1: uggg - will obviously lose 20 lbs. #2: always put last night's panties in the laundry basket. Equally important: will find nice sensible boyfriend and stop forming romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workoholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts. Will especially stop fantasizing about a particular person who embodies all these things.
17
Mark Darcy: I should have done this years ago. Daniel Cleaver: Done what? Mark Darcy: This. [Darcy punches Cleaver. Hard] Daniel Cleaver: Ow. Fuck me, that really hurt. What the fuck do you think you're doing? Mark Darcy: This. [Darcy punches Cleaver again. Even harder]
18
Bridget: Are you staying at your parents', then? Mark Darcy: Yes. You? Bridget: Ah, no. Just came from a New Year party, and I'm a bit hung over. [nervous laugh] Bridget: Wish I could be at home with my head in a toilet like all normal people... [pause] Bridget: ...ah! New Year's Resolution: drink less... and quit smoking... and quit talking nonsense to total strangers... hehe... ahh... [awkward silence] Mark Darcy: Yes. Well. Perhaps it's time to eat.
19
Pam Jones: [as demonstrator at shopping mall] Yes... Now how many of you "have it oeuf"... have it oeuf... it's French... All you do is put the egg in here like this... and... up, down, up, down [demonstrating] Pam Jones: ... and voila! Ooh, mind the oeuf spray, dear.
20
Daniel Cleaver: I've been going crazy. I can't stop thinking about you, and thinking about what an idiot I've been. Christ, is that blue soup?
21
Bridget: The only thing worse than smug married couple, lots of smug married couples.
22
[regarding the blue soup] Bridget: How's it look? Mark: Uh, great. It's, um, blue. Bridget: Blue? Mark: No, but, blue is good. If you ask me there isn't enough blue food.
23
Bridget: What are we going to do about this dinner, then? Mark: We have blue soup to start, orange pudding to end, and, well, for a main course you have, uh, congealed green gunge.
24
Perpetua: Anyone going to introduce me? Bridget: [to herself] Ah. Introduce people with thoughtful details. Perpetua, this is Mark Darcy. Mark is a prematurely middle-aged prick with a cruel raced ex-wife. Perpetua is a fat-ass old bag who spends her time bossing me around. [to herself] Bridget: Maybe not. Perpetua: Anyone going to introduce me? Bridget: Ah, Perpetua. This is Mark Darcy. Mark is a top barrister. Comes from Grafton Underwood. Perpetua is one of my work colleagues.
25
Shazzer: Exactly. I mean there's been all these bloody hints and stuff, but has he ever actually stuck his fucking tongue down your fucking throat? Bridget: No. Not once!
26
Pam Jones: [to Bridget] You'll never get a boyfriend if you look like you wandered out of Auschwitz.
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