Elliot Richards: Damn the Devil! Damn the Devil to Hell!
2
[reading Elliot the contract] The Devil: Paragraph one states that I, the Devil, a not-for-profit organization, with offices in Purgatory, Hell, and Los Angeles, will give you seven wishes to use as you see fit. Elliot Richards: Seven? Why not eight? The Devil: Why not SIX? I don't know. Seven just sounds right.
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The Devil: Seven utterly fabulous wishes for one piddling, little soul?
4
[Reading the Devil's contract] Elliot Richards: "I, Elliot Richards, hereafter known as the Damned" - the Damned? The Devil: How about "the Darned," sound better?
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Elliot Richards: I wish to be the world's most sensitive man. No, wait - the world's most emotionally sensitive man. The Devil: Damn. Coulda had a lot of fun with that one.
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Elliot Richards: I wish that I were the most sensitive man in the world. The Devil: [Smiling] Okay, good... Elliot Richards: Oh, wait! I wish I were the most EMOTIONALLY sensitive man in the world. The Devil: Damn. I was hoping you wouldn't catch that. I could've had a lot of fun with that one.
7
The Devil: How would you like to make one simple decision that will change your life forever? Elliot Richards: Ok, I'm glad scientology works for you but...
8
Elliot Richards: You are so bad! The Devil: I know. I've been really naughty, haven't I? Perhaps a good spanking's in order? Elliot Richards: Is that all you ever think about? Is that all life is to you, sex, sex, sex? The Devil: Of course not! There's greed, gluttony, sloth, vanity, anger, envy...
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The Devil: I am the Devil! Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness! Well, the Princ-ess, anyway...
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Elliot Richards: This is breaking and entering! The Devil: I know! It's fun, isn't it?
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[Elliot and the Devil have broken into Alison's bedroom] Elliot Richards: [shocked] This is breaking and entering! The Devil: I know. Fun, isn't it?
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Elliot Richards: No! That's not fair. The Devil: Fair? Who do you think you're talking to? I don't recall anybody accusing me of being fair before. I'm insulted.
13
McDonalds Employee: Welcome to McDonalds. What can I get you? The Devil: A Big Mac and a large Coke. McDonalds Employee: Fries? The Devil: No. McDonalds Employee: It comes to $3.47. The Devil: [to Elliot] Do you have $3.47? I left my purse in the Underworld.
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The Devil: Your soul is like your appendix. You never use it. Elliot Richards: Oh yeah? If it's so useless, how come you want it so bad? The Devil: Oh, aren't you a clever one?
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The Devil: Did your parents just make me up so you'd be a good boy?
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The Devil: You know, you'd think that meeting the Devil would be interesting enough but no. All people want to know about is Him. Like He's so bloody fascinating! Elliot Richards: So He's a man? The Devil: Yeah, most men think they're God, this one just happens to be right.
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Elliot Richards: I'm starting to think women don't know what they want. The Devil: Amen!
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[When he realizes what his first wish has turned him into] Elliot Richards: [in Spanish] Oh, shit, I'm a Colombian drug lord.
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Elliot Richards: My soul? You want me to give you my SOUL? The Devil: What are you, James Brown?
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The Devil: My life is a living hell!
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The Devil: You're so nervous, Elliot. Elliot Richards: How do you know my name? The Devil: I'm psychic. Plus it's on your name tag.
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Elliot Richards: Ah... well, you go out there and you give a 110%, and you wanna play good, and... you know... you hope you play good... I think we played pretty good tonight!
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The Devil: It's not easy being the Barbra Streisand of Evil.
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Elliot's Cellmate: So how long are you in here for? Elliot Richards: Eternity. Elliot's Cellmate: Damn, that's bad.
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Elliot Richards: [holding Big Mac and Coke] *This* is the work of the devil?
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Jerry: [as Lance] And I'm Tony Danza!
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[Elliot is trying to prove he isn't gay] Jerry: [as Lance] This is so sad! Elliot Richards: You shut up, bitch!
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[to the Devil] Elliot Richards: I think somebody has had tee many martoonis.
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[singing to Alison as sensitive guy] Elliot Richards: Mayo-nayo-naise. Swimming by the sandy shore, dancing up among the waves, dolphin, dolphin I adore everything you are. You're so much more than a fish to me, my playful friend beneath the sea. [making dolphin noise] Elliot Richards: ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee.
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[after the Devil shows up on Elliot's computer screen] Elliot Richards: What are you doing here? The Devil: Just think of me as a computer virus. Elliot Richards: I think of you as a PLAGUE!
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[being hauled away by policemen] Elliot Richards: I'm telling you, the Devil gypped me for a HAMBURGER!
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Elliot Richards: I'm gay. Well, thanks for dropping by.
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Elliot Richards: I think I'll call you a cab... Although I think it'll be hard to find one that goes to HELL this time of night! The Devil: OOOOOOh. What a delightfully piquant wit.
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The Devil: I'm not all peaches and cream, you know. I have a darker side, and believe me, it's not pretty.
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The Devil: Now listen here, you disgusting little maggot. This is your last chance before the big wienie roast. Make a wish or forever burn in hell!
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The Devil: I wasn't kidding when I said I liked you... [kisses his ear]
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Elliot Richards: [as the basketball player] We worked as a team... we played good, and it was all good and i think we did pretty good, you know we need to give 110% of ourselves.
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