[Osmosis and Drix arrive at the zit] Drix: My, what big zits he has. How does this happen? Osmosis: You wash your face with fried chicken, that's how!
2
Drix: Special Agent Drixobenzometaphedrimine... Drixenol! The brand that eases your coughs and sneezes. Warning - do not exceed recommended dosage. If symptoms persist, consult a physician. May cause drowsiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery. Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets. Osmosis: Wow! I'm feeling better already.
3
Osmosis: In the words of the immortal James Brown - GET DOWN! Drix: James who?
4
Osmosis: I never thought you'd be on MY side! Drix: I never thought you'd be right.
5
Frank: 99 kinds of wings! 128 different dipping sauces! You love math, crunch the numbers on that - and tell me the possibilities aren't INFINITE!
6
Osmosis: Next time, I'll be the bad cop. Drix: You ARE a bad cop! Osmosis: Yo, who you calling a bad cop?
7
Drix: I don't dance. I... I have no left feet.
8
Thrax: This here little DNA bead comes from a little girl in Riverside, California, didn't like to wash her hands. Took me three whole weeks. And this one, nice lady in Detroit, Mowtown - six days flat. And there's this old guy in Philly - I killed him in 72 hours. Yeah, I'm getting better as I go along, baby, but the problem is I never set a record - until my man Frank that is. I'm gonna take him down in 48 hours! Get my own chapter in the medical books!
9
Mayor Phlegming: Son, do me a favor and read what it says on your arm. Drix: 'For the temporary relief of symptoms associated with... ' Mayor Phlegming: Exactly! Temporary. You're nothing but a wannabe, a placebo, a generic brand. Marked-down, over-the-counter, useless Tic-Tac!
10
Thrax: Medical books aren't written about losers!
11
Osmosis: Did you know my great-great-grandpappy fought the measles? Yup, there's been a Jones on the force ever since my ancestors came up on the umbilical cord.
Osmosis: You want Osmosis? Drix: You've got Osmosis!
14
Leah: Come here, baby. I'm still Jonesin' for a little more Osmosis.
15
Thrax: Careful. I'm contagious.
16
Leah: Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you? Osmosis: What you talking about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me! Leah: Oh really? 'Cause to me you look like the kind of cell who mostly divides with himself. Osmosis: Whoa! Who turned off the heat? Somebody pay the bill? It's cold in here.
17
Drix: I'd like to examine your irritated areas. Osmosis: Wooh, never on the first date, Drips! Drix: That's Drix. Osmosis: That's what I said. Drix: No, I believe you said Drips, with a P.
18
[the cold pill arrives in the stomach] Leah: Wow, this is huge. Osmosis: Don't be all impressed, 'cause 99% of that is just sugar you know. Leah: Yeah, and 99% of you is just stupid. Osmosis: Ooh, like I haven't heard that one before.
19
Osmosis: We were so poor, we lived off peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches! You ever try to blow-dry your hair with a fart? Drix: OK, I get it. You were poor. Osmosis: You bet I was! You ever try to make a snowman out of a toilet paper cling-on? Now that's poor! Drix: OK, please, you're trying to make me vomit! Osmosis: Vomit? We couldn't afford no vomit, that's for rich folk. Drix: Excuse me while I wipe my eyes. Osmosis: Oh, you wanna talk about wiping? Drix: NO!
20
Thrax: Ebola is a cause of dandruff compared to me!
21
Drix: Funny. He dosn't look fluish.
22
Thrax: [shaken] Man, this dude was sick before I even got here!
23
Frank: What's that you got there? Oyster Boy: They're polluted oysters. Well, they were polluted oysters. I replanted them in the ocean for six weeks. That is how long the state says you should. Frank: Can you eat them? Oyster Boy: Well, if my hypotenuse is correct, yeah, sure you can.
24
The Boss: Has the foot fungus paid up yet? Thug: Nah, the guy's gettin' flaky on us.
25
Osmosis: So, where you from, tough stuff? Drix: I was developed at the University of Chicago, where I graduated Phi Beta Capsule. Osmosis: Great, got me a college boy...
26
[after Thrax escaped from Frank's memories] Thrax: This guy sure was sick before I came here.
27
Mayor Phlegming: Citizens of Frank. In the last few weeks of the campaign, my opponent has thrown big words around to confuse the issues. Big words like "exercise", "low-fat" and "diet".
28
Osmosis: Yo, where do you think you're going? Drix: To get our cootie. Osmosis: Looking like that? They'll tear you apart. You gotta get spiffy. Drix: Spiffy? [Osmosis rearranges himself to look like a germ] Osmosis: Check it out! Drix: Hmm. Flexible cellular dynamics. What an ingenious defense mechanism. Ooh, let me try! [Drix tries, only succedes in mangling his face] Drix: What do you think? Osmosis: I think you should wait in the car.
29
Thrax: What is that nasty smell? Drix: Cherry. Wild cherry. Now let her go. Thrax: Why? So you can ice me again? Osmosis: No, so I can!
30
Osmosis: Yo! You see this badge? You see this gun? You see this white saccus membranous around my personhood? You're talking to a white blood cell here! I should be in the veins fighting disease, not up in the mouth on tartar control.
31
Osmosis: [looking at a centerfold in DNA Monthly] Nice genes. You got the chromosomes in all the right places.
32
Ms. Boyd: What a zit!... I mean, what is it?
33
Drix: Where did you study? Osmosis: Study? Man, when you're from the wrong side of the digestive track, you ain't got no money for no fancy school. Drix: Oh? Osmosis: I tell ya, my school was Crack Central. Drix: Oh? Osmosis: No, it was in the crack. Right in the stinky, puckered center.
34
Reporter: What do you have to say to all the hair follicles recently laid off form the scalp? Mayor Phlegming: There are plenty of job openings in the back.
35
Osmosis: You should have seen this thing. This germ's bigger than all of us. It's even big for Frank's body. This is an Al Roker germ, a Heavy-D germ. Cop: Is this the guy? [holds a short, dumpy germ; all laugh] Osmosis: Yeah, well he's slouching right now.
36
Police Chief: Say Ozzy, think you can keep Frank in shape? You know, he has that big insurance exam next week. Osmosis: I don't know. You must ask my new partner, that is if he feels like hanging around for a while. Drix: But my work visa is expired. Osmosis: Well, we'll go down to the hemorroid and find you a good lawyer.
37
Thrax: Too bad you won't be alive to see me break my record when I take down Frank's pretty little girl. Osmosis: She ain't going down. You are!
38
Osmosis: You up spit creek without a paddle. Don't make me mad, 'cause I will turn into a germicidal maniac.
39
The Boss: Bruiser, take this punk up to the face and bury him in a blackhead. When we're done, It'll take a Swedish facialist six steaming washcloths to get you out. Thrax: Sounds like a gas, baby. Bring it on.
40
Osmosis: Man! What you been eeking? Drix: That is my effervescent propulsion. Osmosis: A'ight! But I'm driving with the windows open. I don't want none of those pooty bubbles stinking up my ride.
41
Latino germ: La Muerte, man! Esta aqui! He's gonna kill us dead, hombre! Osmosis: Whoa, speak English. We ain't on Telemundo here.
42
Mayor Phlegming: You keep those ideas inside that mushy little head of yours, or you'll find yourself in our next nosebleed.
43
Chill: Hey, I was injected into this body to rat on influenza only, and this don't sound like influenza to me. Now beat it. Osmosis: I'm sure Johnny Streptacoccus and the Melanoma Brothers would be very interested to know about your flu shot work. Chill: You can't jack me on that, brother. I'm on the Virus Protection Program.
44
Leah: Mayor, something freaky is going on with the weather. Mayor Phlegming: We're probably just drinking some hot coffee. Leah: Sir, look at the maps. What if Jones is right? Mayor Phlegming: Jones? Ha ha ha! Funny, funny. Leah: You care more about your re-election than you care about all our lives. Something is going on, and I'm going to the hypothalamus to check it out. Mayor Phlegming: Hypowhothewhatisit? Leah, wait! Who's gonna answer the phones?
45
[Drix is at the bladder, about to board the next barge out] Osmosis: Drix, Thrax is in the brain! Get your time-released butt off this barge. Drix: I can't help you. Osmosis: Excuse me? Drix: I wasn't designed to fight a virus. Read my label. Osmosis: You gotta think outside the pill box, man. I've known sugar pills who have cured cancer, just because they believed they could. Drix: Oh, I don't know, Ozzy. Look at me. I'm cherry flavored. Conductor: Hey, pal. You on or off? Osmosis: Fine. Flush your life down the toilet. Conductor: The zipper's down. All ashore who's going ashore.
46
[Osmosis is at the theater watching one of Frank's dreams when the screen appears to burn up] Osmosis: Thrax is alive! Thrax is alive and he's in the brain! Cell: Oh, sure, pal! Spoil the ending.
47
Bob: Listen. Sit down to talk with Shane, and tell her that if anything happens to you, I'll take care of her. I'll raise her, nurture her, love her, then at sixteen I'll boot her out the door. Frank: Sixteen? Bob: Sure. I not going to mommy her forever, Okay? I mean, sixteen, sure.
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