Other Titles • Scary Movie (2000) • Last Summer I Screamed Because Halloween Fell On Friday the 13th • Scream If You Know What I Did Last Halloween
Quotes from Scary Movie (2000)
1
Deputy Doofy: Mom said that when I wear this badge you're supposed to treat me like a man of the law. Buffy Gilmore: Yeah, and Mom also said for you to stop sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner!
(2 votes)
2
Buffy Gilmore: Don't worry, Cindy! We'll pretend this never happened. You know, like the time we got drunk and went down on each other!
3
Cindy Campbell: I thought you loved me. Bobby: Oh, I did, baby, I did. But being in abstinence makes you wonder new things about yourself. That's right Cindy, I'm gay. And in case you haven't noticed, so is Ray. Ray: What? I ain't gay! Bobby: What are you talking about? You took me to that club. Ray: So? They play good music. Bobby: What about our trip to San Francisco? Ray: I wanted to go shopping. Bobby: But you made love to me! Ray: First of all, you sucked my dick!
4
[after hitting a fisherman crossing the road] Cindy Campbell: We have to call the police! Ray: No way! I ain't going to jail! Greg: He's right! Cindy, do you know what they do to teens in jail? All of those sex-starved convicts waiting for a fresh piece of meat? Ray: Hey, Cindy's right. Maybe we should call the police.
5
Brenda: Shorty, what are you doing driving? I know you ain't got no papers. Shorty: I got papers, blunts, blongs, blokes, anything to make a high nigga pie!
6
[the killer attacks Heather, while Gail watches, recording] Heather: Gail, help me! Gail Hailstorm: Sorry, kid, but it's sweeps!
7
Cindy Campbell: Look, if it's about that time I puked green slime and masturbated with a crucifix, it was my first keg party, Bobby!
8
Buffy Gilmore: Oh, look at me! I'm all dead!
9
Buffy Gilmore: Oh, is this the climax? Well, I hope you don't mind if I fake it!
10
Miss Mann: Come in, dear. Have a seat. Take off your bra if you like.
11
Buffy Gilmore: Oh my god, we hit a boot! Greg: Where's the foot?
12
Homeless Man: You got a dollar? Buffy Gilmore: Get away from me, you bum. Cindy Campbell: Buffy, can't you see he's hungry? Here you go, sir, a nice sandwich. Homeless Man: I said a dollar, bitch.
13
Cindy Campbell: Ray, if you see Bobby, will you tell him that I love him? Ray: Okay, if I see Bobby, I'll tell him I love him.
14
Black TV Reporter: Reporting live for Black TV! White folks are dead, we're getting the fuck out of here!
15
Heather: The First Amendment gives us the right to say what we want. Teacher: Oh, shut the fuck up.
16
Brenda: Shorty, if you go to class once in a while you would learn. Shorty: I do go to class. Brenda: Shorty, lunch is not a class. Shorty: It is if you got the munchies!
17
Gail Hailstorm: Is that drool? Deputy Doofy: Yeah, I forgot to swallow. Gail Hailstorm: Don't worry, because I never forget.
18
Gail Hailstorm: Isn't Cindy Campbell's father a suspect? Sheriff: That is classified information, where did you get that from? Gail Hailstorm: Sorry sir, I'm not sharing my sources. [Doofy steps out] Deputy Doofy: Hi Gail... Gail swallows.
19
Shorty: Someone's gone all crazy out here. There's blood, guts and asses everywhere man! Bobby: Well... We all go a little crazy sometimes. [Bobby shoot Shorty in the chest] Cindy Campbell: No! Shorty: [Lying on the ground] Oh, Cindy he shot me in the lung. [Smoke is coming out of the wound] Shorty: Wanna hit this shit?
20
Ray: [Dressing Brenda up in football clothes] Get your little sexy ass over here... [Brenda jumps in to the bed] Ray: Take it Brendan, take it Brendan... Brenda: Who? Ray: Uhh... Brenda!
21
Ray: Damn girl, I sure like to get in your pants... Brenda: Really? Ray: Yeah, what size are these?
22
[after Miss Mann's "secret" is apparent to Cindy] Miss Mann: Sometimes we do things we're not so proud of. Some for money, others to gain the athletic edge on the competition. Sometimes those secrets come back to haunt us. Do you know what I mean? Cindy Campbell: Yes I do, uh, Miss Mann. Thanks for ball - I mean all your help. I have to go to class. Miss Mann: Anytime dear.
23
Deputy Doofy: I got poopies. Sheriff: Did you just say you went "poopie"? Deputy Doofy: Yeah, it was good.
24
Deputy Doofy: I said, don't disturb me when I'm cleaning my room!
25
Sheriff: How are you today Cindy? Cindy Campbell: Good, officer, how are you? Sheriff: Bloated, constipated, got a boil on my ass the size of a walnut - you know, the usual.
26
Gail Hailstorm: You don't get it? Well here's what you will get. (Hold up 1 finger)This little piggy went to the market (Hold up middle finger) This little piggy stayed home (points at cameraman) And if this fat little piggy doesn't role the goddamn camera (camera clicks on) - Gail Hailstorm!
27
Gail Hailstorm: Cindy, Cindy your ass looks fat! [Cindy slaps Gail Hailstorm]
28
Gail Hailstorm: Kenny, I know you're probably crappin' in a bag right now, but when I say move it that means get your plasma packin' I.V. draggin, bed-sore havin butt over here now!
29
The Killer: What's your favorite scary movie? Drew Decker: Kazaam! You know, the one where Shaq plays a genie. The Killer: That's not a horror movie. Drew Decker: Yeah, well, you've never seen Shaq act.
30
Deputy Doofy: Special Officer Doofy reporting! Policeman #1: Hey, Doofy! Smell my fingers! Deputy Doofy: What's that? Policeman #1: That's when you know you've become a man, Doofy. Deputy Doofy: Hey, Terry! Smell my fingers! Policeman #1: What the hell is that? Deputy Doofy: My ass!
31
The Killer: [on the phone] What's was that noise? Drew Decker: Oops, I farted. Didn't think you'd hear me. The Killer: No... the other noise...
32
[Press is interviewing Shorty on Drew Decker's death] Shorty: I'm on TV! Oh shit! First "Cops" now this? Oh, man, I'm gonna be a star, son! Reporter #1: What can you tell us about the victim? Shorty: Well, she had the phat ass! It was like *bang*! Reporter #2: How close were you to the victim? Shorty: *Real* close. Until the roofies wore off. Then she woke up and talked about pressing charges so I just pulled my tongue out of her ass and left. Reporter #1: What would've been your last words to Drew? Shorty: Run, bitch, run!
33
[the guys picking up the dead guy's body] Greg: I'll grab one arm. Bobby: I'll grab the other arm. Ray: I'll grab his ass.
34
Cindy's Dad: I thought I heard screaming in here! Cindy Campbell: No, no daddy. Cindy's Dad: No, Maybe it could have been the crack I smoked earlier.
35
The Killer: [rapping] I'm gonna slash and gash, cut another hole in your ass. I spill blood on the walls, then play tennis with your balls. If the phone rings, don't answer the call. Gonna slit your throat, fuck you like a goat, peal your foreskin off and make a winter coat. Peace! [camera pulls back to reveal all of Shorty's friends dead] Shorty: Yo! That was the illest rhyme I ever seen!
36
Drew Decker: [on the phone with killer] Look, my boyfriend will be here soon. He's big, black and plays football! The Killer: He doesn't wear a dress and scream like a girl? Drew Decker: How did you know?
37
[a friend of Drew's is tied up on the back porch] Drew Decker: That's not my boyfriend! I mean, I fucked him a couple of times, but that's it.
38
The Killer: [reading pornography magazine] Nice tits... Drew Decker: What do you want? The Killer: To see what your insides look like. Drew Decker: Well, then turn to page 54.
39
Gail Hailstorm: What can you tell us about the victim? Shorty: Well, she had a phat ass! It was like BANG!
40
Shorty: Yo, man. It's like I seen all this shit before. Cindy Campbell: They had a killer at you high school, Shorty? Shorty: No, it was in that movie- Scream. Same dialogue everything. That shit is ill!
41
Bobby: You hear? Drew got killed last night. Ray: Wait, she had a brother right, Steve? Bobby: Yeah. Ray: Yeah? Long hair, pretty little mouth, perfect ass? Bobby: Yep, that was her. Ray: Nah, I'm talking about Steve. Whatever happened to him?
42
Brenda: [sucking the sauce off her fingers and screaming at the screen] Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Don't go in there! [Screams scaring everyone in the theater] Brenda: Oh, lord! I'm gonna to have a heart attack! Oh, this is some scury shit! Young Lady: [turning around] Do you mind? Brenda: [sticking out her hand to the women's face] I know you better get outta my face! Outta my face! Outta my face! This is all me up in here! Old Man: [annoyed] Excuse me? Brenda: Uh... I think I payed my money like ur-body else up in here! Young Man: [shouting] Will you shut the fuck up! Brenda: [takes out a camera] Um-umm! This is good movie. [the Killer sits next to her, but she thinks it's Ray] Brenda: Hey baby, you back just in time! She's about to get in on with Shakespear! Young Man: Will you just shut up! Brenda: [turns around with the cameria pointing at the young man behind her] Yeah I got you! I got you on camera! you on candid camera now! You ain't know that! Brenda: [her cell phones rings and everyone groans as they know what is going to happen] Hello? Hey girl! no I'm in the movies! Uh-huh, yeah Shakespear in love! Ohh-ohh! You lying! You lying! Young Man: Will you shut your trap! Young Lady: Shut up! Brenda: I don't know why ya'lll is acting like this! My girls friend already saw the movie and she says they don't even stay together in the end!
43
Shorty: I'm on TV! Oh shit! First Cops now this! I'm gonna be a star, son!
44
Cindy Campbell: Someone murdered my friends! Cindy's Dad: Yeah! And the sick bastard planted drugs all over the house!
45
Cindy Campbell: Greg, you're not the only one who got one. Greg: What do you mean, Bobby's got a baby-dick too? Cindy Campbell: No, the note.
46
Cindy Campbell: You guys are psychos! You've seen one too many TV shows! Ray: No, Cindy! Watching TV shows don't create psycho killers. Canceling TV shows creates psycho killers!
47
Gail Hailstorm: How close were you to the victim? Shorty: Oh, real close. 'Til the Roofies wore off, then she woke up and was all talking 'bout pressing charges. So, I pulled my tounge out of her ass and left.
48
Gail Hailstorm: I'm going to try and get a glimpse of Cindy Campbell, the young girl who was attacked earlier this evening... You're on my foot, fat shit! Cameraman Kenny: Sorry, G... Gail Hailstorm: What did I say? Cameraman Kenny: Don't ever step on Gail's shoes. Gail Hailstorm: Why not? Cameraman Kenny: Because Gail wears Prada shoes. Gail Hailstorm: You idiot. Cameraman Kenny: I'm a bad man.
49
Shorty: Yo' mama! Brenda: You're my brother, it's the same thing, jackass! Shorty: Oh, yeah, well then yo' fatha! Brenda: Yeah? Well, I don't know him! Shorty: Huh... me neither...
50
Dawson Leery: [starts to climb through a window] Whoops! Wrong set!
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