Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Oy. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Amen to your oy.
(28 votes)
2
Anna Riley: You don't understand. I have a relationship with my phone, we have a chemistry together, I can't explain it.
(20 votes)
3
Jacob: God was showing off when he made you.
(19 votes)
4
"Oy."--Rabbi Jake Schram (Ben Stiller)
(18 votes)
5
"Amen to your oy."--Father Brian Kilkenney Finn (Edward Norton)
(12 votes)
6
Indian Bartender: May those who love us, love us. And those who don't love us - may God turn their hearts. And if He cannot turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so that we may know them by their limping.
7
Indian Bartender: Let me guess. Your old lady got fed up because you're out here chasing the skirt so she took these little ones and left you. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: It's a little more complicated than that. Indian Bartender: Sure it is. Everyone thinks his story is the one with a twist. Well let me tell you, I've heard just about everything there is to... [Brian unzips his jacket, revealing his priest's collar] Indian Bartender: Holy shit. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Exactly.
8
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Sometimes we don't see certain things until we're ready to see them in a certain way.
9
Anna Riley: So this is a rectory. That sounds like a bad word. Rectory!
10
[Brian, a celibate priest, confesses his love for Anna, to Jake's astonishment] Jacob: I mean, she's like your sister! Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Thank you for adding new depth to my confusion.
11
Anna Riley: I work harder than God. If He had hired me, He would have made the world by Thursday.
12
Rachel Rose: Oh my God! The Iraqi defense minister just committed suicide! Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Ooh!... Is that bad or good?
13
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Is this a good machine? Don: [In heavy Oriental accent] Yeah, that one good. If you a cheap bastard! No, that one OK, but if you serious about car - OK, then there only one machine for you. The Audio 2000! This baby got multiple inputs, dual pitch analyzer, so you can change the pitch, if your voice sucks, but I don' need that. Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: How much does it cost? Don: [shouts] Price is not important Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: No, price is very important. Don: OK, OK, you got me, take me away. It's a little bit expensive, but it's worth it. When you sing, to your girlfriend, and her heart waboom, fall down on the floor, you say Thank you, Don! Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: How much... does it cost... exactly? Don: [looks around and speaks in ordinary American accent] Ok, I don't usually do this but you guys seem like a couple of cool guys and I got a nice piece of ass last night. I'm gonna let you have it for $1300. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: $1300? Wow. Sorry I'm getting a little hot. [unzips his jacket to show his priest's collar] Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: My friend gets a little hot sometimes. Don: [In normal voice] Oh, man! What is that? Get out of here with that! Is that real? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh, yeah.
14
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Whoa! Listen to what you're saying. You're telling me that I was supposed to be sensitive to the possibility that a Catholic priest might have a crush on my secret girlfriend?
15
[showing teenage Jake how to do the sign of the cross]
16
Alan Klien: I suck! They're gonna take away my Yamulkha!
17
Alan Klien: I suck! They're gonna take away my Yamulkha! Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: No you don't. You don't suck. Alan Klien: I suck. Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Yes, alright, you do. You suck. But that's ok, you're supposed to suck. This isn't a talent contest, it's a rite of passage.
18
Anna Riley: I just called to see how the date went. Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: That's so funny. I had an impulse to call you last night but then I thought it might be too late. Anna Riley: You should've. I was stuck here barking at Los Angeles. So what did you wear? Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: What? I'm not gonna tell you what I wore on my date. Why would I do that? Anna Riley: I want to get an image of a young rabbi on the prowl, what's your game man? Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Ok. Navy blue pin stripe suit. Anna Riley: Mmm. Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Navy blue button down shirt. Anna Riley: Good colour for your eyes. Shoes? Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Black. Kenneth Cole. Leather. Anna Riley: Size? Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Big. Anna Riley: Ow! Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: You wanna hear about the special knot in my tie? Anna Riley: Baby no, we gotta keep room for dessert. Don't give up hope ok? Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I'll keep it alive. Anna Riley: Good bye Mr Sharp Dressed Man.
19
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: The seven deadly sins. Who can name the seven deadly sins? People! It was a very popular film with Brad Pitt, you have the ultimate cliff note.
20
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: You're a Sikh, Catholic Muslim with Jewish in-laws? Indian Bartender: Yes. Yes. It gets very complicated. I'm reading Dianetics. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Don't blame you.
21
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Jews want their rabbis to be the kind of Jews they don't have the time to be. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yeah, and Catholics want their priests to be the kind of Catholics they don't have the discipline to be.
22
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: What happened to our youth? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I'm telling you, it ended at 30, pal.
23
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: No, I'm glad you saved it because it's definitely less weird for me now.
24
Rabbi Lewis: Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
25
Anna Riley: [to Jake] So what's your chick situation? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh, don't ask, it's not a good story. Anna Riley: Why? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Because his whole congregation is trying to set him up and it makes him very uncomfortable. Anna Riley: What's wrong with that? Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: There's a reason pandas don't mate in captivity. Anna Riley: What does that mean? Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: It means these mothers keep making these dates for me that I can't refuse. They're very intimidating, they're like the Kosher Nostra. They're little women but very determined. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I think you get a little melodramatic about this, don't you think? Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Oh, yeah? Today one of them faxed me her daughter's resume. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Let me see that. Ali Decker. Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Look at the bottom. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh. She has a skills section. Anna Riley: Yes? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh, you win. She put jogging as a skill. Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: See? She doesn't even know the difference between a hobby and a skill. Anna Riley: All right, so maybe she's a skilled jogger. Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I have to go on a date with this woman. Why can't I just say no? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I don't know, why can't you? Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I can't alienate these women, I need body count at the temple.
26
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: What's the story of Sodom and Gomorrah really about? Anyone? Steve Posner. Steve Posner: Sexual perversion. Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Sexual perversion. Steve Posner's watching too much Spice Channel!
27
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Greta Nussbaum, before she pulls her rotator cuff.
28
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: [talking about the Ein Keloheinu] Excuse me, Raphae, guys, I just have to do this again 'cos it's really been bugging me. Ein Keloheinu. It's a joyous song, a prayer about praising the Lord, telling the Lord how much we love him, or her, but no matter what I do, I can't seem to be able to get you folks to sing it with any feeling. I mean, I brought in the band. That didn't work. I brought in my bongos last week. I think we can all agree that was a backwards step. So this morning, I've brought in a little outside help.
29
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Whoah! Are you seriously telling me that unless you find a nice Jewish girl and settle down in the next six months they're not going to give you this job? Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I'm seriously telling you there has not been a bachelor head rabbi of B'Nei Ezra since the beginning of the synagogue.
30
Anna Riley: Can I ask you a question? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yeah, of course, anything. Anna Riley: It's personal, so... Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh, are we gonna have the sex talk here? Anna Riley: Yes, you're my friend and I wanna know how this works for you. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Fire away, you must have a list of questions. Anna Riley: Really? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Really? Anna Riley: So you... don't. Right? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Right. Anna Riley: At all. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: At all. Anna Riley: Have you ever, er? [getting uncomfortable] Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Had sex? Yes. Anna Riley: With women. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yes. Anna Riley: So you're not gay. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: No. No. Anna Riley: Are you sure? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yes, but even if I was the rules are the same. Anna Riley: Do you miss it? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: No. Anna Riley: Are you tempted? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Nah! Anna Riley: Oh, admit it. If they changed the rules you'd be psyched.
31
Anna Riley: What's happening with Ruth and Ethan? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh. Ethan married a Catholic girl and that did not go over well. Anna Riley: That's why they're fighting? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: They're not fighting, they're not talking. Two years now no communicado. Anna Riley: Are you serious? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yeah. Anna Riley: What? Weren't they really close though? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: As close as Ruth and Jake. Anna Riley: That explains a lot. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: You see why tonight was not just a date.
32
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I feel like I'm on some bad new Aaron Spelling show - "Melrose Priest."
33
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: You're in love with her? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: [to himself] No one seems to have picked up on this. It's very strange.
34
Omar: [speaking passionately in Spanish to Father Brian inside a confessional] Mrs. Lopez, she's seriously hot, she's got a rack like [gestures with his hands] Omar: ... Forgive Father... Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: [in Spanish] Really, don't worry about it. It's completely normal to have those feelings, everyone has them. What's important is what you do with those feelings. Understand? Omar: Sí. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Sí? Omar: Mmmhmm.
35
Indian Bartender: I don't do penance, I do shots.
36
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Oh, God, please let this be painless. Ali Decker: [opens door] Hi! Right on time! I like that in a rabbi!
37
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: [Omar bumps into Brian and Anna] Omar! Omar: [in Spanish] Sorry, father, hey she has a nice ass! Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: [in Spanish] You're the expert, huh?
38
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I'm God's consiglieri.
39
Anna Riley: I haven't screamed that hard since the US hockey team beat the Russians.
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