Lester Burnham: I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist. You two do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it, and I don't complain. Carolyn Burnham: Oh, you don't complain? Then I must be psychotic, then! What is this? Yeah, let's bring in the laugh-meter and see how loud it gets. Lester Burnham: [Lester throws the asparagus plate at the wall] Don't interrupt me, honey! Lester Burnham: [sits back down to eat] Oh, yeah, and one more thing, from now on we're going to have alternate dinner music because frankly - and I don't think I'm alone here - [looks in Jane's direction] Lester Burnham: I'm tired of this Lawrence Welk shit!
(71 votes)
2
Lester Burnham: I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I'm just now waking up.
(63 votes)
3
Ricky Fitts: It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.
(59 votes)
4
Brad Dupree: [reading Lester's job description] "My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell." Well, you have absolutely no interest in saving yourself. Lester Burnham: Brad, for 14 years I've been a whore for the advertising industry. The only way I could save myself now is if I start firebombing.
(59 votes)
5
"I rule!"--Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey)
(64 votes)
6
Carolyn Burnham: Uh, who's car is that out front? Lester Burnham: Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I've always wanted and now I have it. I rule!
(17 votes)
7
Brad Dupree: Got a minute? Lester Burnham: For you, Brad, I've got five!
(10 votes)
8
Carolyn Burnham: Fuck me, your majesty!
(13 votes)
9
Lester Burnham: Look at me, jerking off in the shower... This will be the high point of my day; it's all downhill from here.
(8 votes)
10
Ricky Fitts: You're right, I suck dick for money. Colonel Frank Fitts: Boy... Ricky Fitts: Two thousand dollars, I'm that good. Colonel Frank Fitts: Get out. Ricky Fitts: And you should see me fuck. I'm the best piece of ass in three states. Colonel Frank Fitts: Get out! I don't ever want to see you again. Ricky Fitts: What a sad old man you are.
(9 votes)
11
Carolyn Burnham: Are you trying to look unattractive? Jane Burnham: Yes. Carolyn Burnham: Well, congratulations. You've succeeded admirably.
(9 votes)
12
[Lester has just caught Caroline cheating with the Real Estate King] Carolyn Burnham: Uh Buddy, this is my... Lester Burnham: Her husband. We've met before, but something tells me you're going to remember me this time.
(8 votes)
13
Angela Hayes: What do you want? Lester Burnham: Are you kidding? I want you.
(8 votes)
14
Carolyn Burnham: You ungrateful little brat! Just look at everything you have. When I was your age, we... lived in a duplex! We didn't even have our own house!
(10 votes)
15
Ricky Fitts: I'm not obsessing. I'm just curious.
(9 votes)
16
Carolyn Burnham: This is a $4,000 sofa, upholstered in Italian silk. It is not just a couch. Lester Burnham: [shouts] It’s just a couch!
(9 votes)
17
[at the dinner table] Carolyn Burnham: Your father and I were just discussing his day at work. Why don't you tell our daughter about it, honey? Lester Burnham: Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus. Carolyn Burnham: Your father seems to think this type of behavior is something to be proud of. Lester Burnham: And your mother seems to prefer I go through life like a fucking prisoner while she keeps my dick in a mason jar under the sink. Carolyn Burnham: How dare you speak to me that way in front of her. And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you LOSE your job. Lester Burnham: Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not like, "Whoops! Where'd my job go?" I QUIT. Someone pass me the asparagus.
(4 votes)
18
[Carolyn is introducing Lester to the Real Estate King] Carolyn Burnham: My husband, Lester. Buddy Kane: It's a pleasure. Lester Burnham: Oh, we've met before, actually. This thing last year, Christmas at the Sheraton... Buddy Kane: [pretends to remember] Oh yeah, yes... Lester Burnham: It's OK, I wouldn't remember me either. Carolyn Burnham: [laughs nervously] Honey, don't be weird. Lester Burnham: OK honey, I won't be weird. I'll be whatever what you want me to be. [Lester kisses Carolyn wildly, then looks at the Real Estate King] Lester Burnham: We have a very healthy relationship.
(6 votes)
19
Jane Burnham: I know you think my dad's harmless, but you're wrong.
(7 votes)
20
Lester Burnham: Smile! You're at Mr. Smiley's.
(6 votes)
21
Ricky Fitts: Welcome to America's weirdest home videos.
(6 votes)
22
Jim Olmeyer: Do you just want to lose weight, or are you looking to increase strength and flexibility as well? Lester Burnham: I want to look good naked!
(2 votes)
23
Angela Hayes: This is my first time.
(6 votes)
24
Angela Hayes: Yeah? Well at least I'm not ugly! Ricky Fitts: Yes you are, and you're boring and totally ordinary and you know it.
25
Brad Dupree: Man, you are one twisted fuck. Lester Burnham: Nope, I'm just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose.
26
Lester Burnham: Then I guess I'll have to throw in a sexual harassment charge. Brad Dupree: Against who? Lester Burnham: Against YOU. Can you prove that you didn't offer to save my job if I let you blow me? Brad Dupree: Man, you are one twisted fuck. Lester Burnham: No, Brad; I'm just an ordinary guy who has nothing left to lose.
27
Ricky Fitts: Excuse me for speaking so bluntly sir. But those fags make me want to puke my fucking guts out. Colonel Frank Fitts: [cautiously, after a long pause] Well, me too son. Me too.
28
Ricky Fitts: So, do you party? Lester Burnham: Excuse me? Ricky Fitts: Do you get high?
29
Catering Boss: I'm not paying you to do... whatever it is you're doing out here. Ricky Fitts: Fine. So don't pay me. Catering Boss: Excuse me? Ricky Fitts: I quit. So you don't have to pay me. Now leave me alone. Catering Boss: ...asshole. Lester Burnham: I think you just became my personal hero!
30
Carolyn Burnham: Honey, I'm so proud of you. I watched you very closely, and you didn't screw up once!
31
Carolyn Burnham: There happens to be a lot about me that you don't know, Mr. Smarty Man. There's plenty of joy in my life.
32
Angela Hayes: If people I don't even know look at me and want to fuck me, it means I really have a shot at being a model.
33
Ricky Fitts: My dad thinks I paid for all this with catering jobs. Never underestimate the power of denial.
34
Lester Burnham: This isn't life, it's just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts.
35
Lester Burnham: Remember those posters that said, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life"? Well, that's true of every day but one - the day you die.
36
Jane Burnham: I need a father who's a role model, not some horny geek-boy who's gonna spray his shorts every time I bring a girlfriend home from school.
37
Jane Burnham: Are you scared? Ricky Fitts: I don't get scared. Jane Burnham: My parents will try to find me. Ricky Fitts: Mine won't.
38
Angela Hayes: It's that psycho next door. Jane, what if he worships you? What if he's got a shrine with pictures of you surrounded by dead people's heads and stuff?
39
Ricky Fitts: I was filming this dead bird. Angela Hayes: Why? Ricky Fitts: Because it's beautiful.
40
Lester Burnham: How's Jane? Angela Hayes: What do you mean? Lester Burnham: I mean, how's her life? Is she happy? Is she miserable? I'd really like to know, and she'd die before she'd ever tell me about it. Angela Hayes: She's... she's really happy. She thinks she's in love. Lester Burnham: Good for her. Angela Hayes: How are you? Lester Burnham: God, it's been a long time since anybody asked me that... I'm great. Angela Hayes: I've gotta go to the bathroom. Lester Burnham: I'm great.
41
Carolyn Burnham: Honey, don't be weird!
42
Lester Burnham: You don't think it's kinda weird & fascist? Carolyn Burnham: Possibly, but you don't want to be unemployed. Lester Burnham: Oh well, alright, let's all sell our souls and work for Satan because it's more convenient that way.
43
Mr. Smiley's Manager: I don't think you'd fit in here. Lester Burnham: I have fast food experience. Mr. Smiley's Manager: Yeah, like twenty years ago! Lester Burnham: Well, I'm sure there have been amazing technological advances in the industry, but surely you must have some sort of training program. It seems unfair to presume I won't be able to learn.
44
Carolyn Burnham: Well, I see you're smoking pot now. I think using psychotropic drugs is a very positive example to set for our daughter. Lester Burnham: You're one to talk, you bloodless, money-grabbing freak.
45
Carolyn Burnham: What the hell do you think you're doing? Lester Burnham: Uh oh! Mom's upset! Working out. I'm going to whale on my pecs and then do my back.
46
Lester Burnham: [narrating] I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.
47
Jane Burnham: [turning the camera on Ricky] Don't you feel naked? Ricky Fitts: I am naked.
48
Lester Burnham: [narrating] That's my wife, Carolyn. See the way the handle on her pruning shears matches her gardening clogs? That's not an accident.
49
Colonel Frank Fitts: You need structure... and discipline. Ricky Fitts: Thank you for trying to teach me, sir. Don't give up on me, Dad.
50
Carolyn Burnham: My company sells an image. It's part of my job to live that image.
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