Maggie Carpenter: [on the perfect proposal] Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me.
(59 votes)
2
Ike Graham: [Mrs. Whittenmeyer refuses to sell a wedding gown to Maggie] You sell wedding dresses, right? Mrs. Whittenmeyer: Yes, I've been selling wedding gowns for thirty-five years. Ike Graham: Wonderful! Because we are here to buy one! But not just any one. [points to a gown in the window] Ike Graham: She wants "that" one! Mrs. Whittenmeyer: It's a thousand dollars! Ike Graham: Listen, Aunt Bea! Conversation has never worked for me, let's try "visual." [jumps into the window and pulls the mannequin down, knocking its wig off] Ike Graham: We're buying the dress! And anything else she wants!
(32 votes)
3
Ike Graham: Hey, don't knock drunks in bars! It means they're not out driving.
(23 votes)
4
Maggie Carpenter: Bless me Father for I have sinned. My last confession was... well. Anyway, I have sorta a technical question. I've been having bad thoughts, really bad thoughts. Priest Brian: Of an impure nature? Maggie Carpenter: No, No, I want to destroy this man's life, career everything. I want revenge. Now on a sins scale how bad is that? Can I Hail Mary my way out of that?
(18 votes)
5
Maggie Carpenter: Is there one 'right' person for everyone? Ike Graham: No, but I think attraction is mistaken for rightness.
(10 votes)
6
[Maggie has just left her groom standing at the altar, and has jumped aboard a FedEx truck] Ellie: Where is she going? Fisher: I don't know, but she'll be there by 10:30 tomorrow.
(2 votes)
7
[Ike's voice on his answering machine] Ike Graham: Hi leave a message after the beep. If you want to send me a fax then buy me a fax machine.
(2 votes)
8
Peggy: Well, there is one thing that brings warmth to my heart. [pause] Peggy: Duckbill platypus. Maggie Carpenter: No... that's only funny at Camp Birchwood in the tent at three in the morning and it's raining and my leg is the pole! And at a tick hunt! It's not anymore. Peggy: Let's just give it a try.
Maggie Carpenter: I love you, Homer Eisenhower Graham. Will you marry me? Ike Graham: I... I've got to think about this a little bit. Maggie Carpenter: Good. I was hoping you'd say that.
(2 votes)
11
Peggy: Have you heard my husband's morning show? "Wake Up With Flem?"
(2 votes)
12
Maggie Carpenter: You're a cynical, exploitive, mean-hearted creep who wouldn't know real love if it bit him in the armpit.
(2 votes)
13
Maggie Carpenter: A girl can't get married in flannel!
(2 votes)
14
Maggie Carpenter: I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up.
(2 votes)
15
Mrs. Pressmann: I'm thinking of changing back to my maiden name. Walter Carpenter: Can you still remember it?
(2 votes)
16
Maggie Carpenter: [while fighting with her veil] Who makes these things? Peggy: Calm down. The veil is not attacking you.
(2 votes)
17
Ike Graham: SHZAAM! I think I'm in Mayberry.
(2 votes)
18
Maggie Carpenter: Gill, I am really afraid of needles, but that doesn't make me a bad person... Dead Head Gill: Look... [Gill shows her his rose tattoo on his chest] Ike Graham: [in a surfer-dude voice] Look, look! I think this man is heart broken!
(2 votes)
19
Peggy: I'm Peggy Fleming. Not the ice-skater.
(2 votes)
20
Maggie Carpenter: Benedict. Ike Graham: Arnold. Maggie Carpenter: I love Eggs Benedict, I hate every other kind. I hate big weddings with everybody staring. I'd like to get married on a weekday while everybody's at work. And when I ride off into the sunset, I want my own horse. Ike Graham: Should I be writing this down?
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