END OF DAYS
STARRING: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kevin Pollak, Gabriel Byrne, Robin
Tunney, Rod Steiger, CCH Pounder
DIRECTOR: Peter Hyams (The Relic, The Presidio)
WRITTEN BY: Andrew W. Marlowe (Air Force One)
Once upon a time in the summer of 1987, in the small town of Spruce
Grove, my friend and I sat in my parents' car outside the local movie
theater, trying to think of a way to get in to see Predator, starring
Arnold Schwarzenegger. You see, we were only 16-- not old enough to get
into the R-rated picture, but certainly old enough to want to. Very,
very badly. So there we sat, feverishly thinking of ways to overcome
every possible objection the person at the ticket booth might raise to
our getting in. After almost an hour of this, we were finally ready to
try it. The much-feared counter clerk barely gave us a glance as he
sold us our coveted tickets. What followed was some of the coolest shit
I had ever seen in a movie. When it ended I was pretty sure that, given
enough weaponry, Schwarzenegger would kick even the Devil's ass but
good. All of which brings me to End of Days, and the point of this
little anecdote. Apparently, 16-year-old boys are greenlighting films
these days.
The film casts the Austrian Oak as Jericho Cane, a security specialist
who stumbles upon a conspiracy of Biblical proportions after foiling an
assassination attempt on his investment-banker client. It seems that
every thousand years, Satan puts in an appearance on Earth in human
guise (the investment banker is this year's host), seeking a predestined
mate. If he is allowed to consummate his unholy union, the gates of
Hell will be thrown open, and so on and so forth. Naturally, Jericho
has to find and protect the prospective bedmate not only from Satan, but
also from religious zealots who want to prevent the prophecy by killing
her. Furthermore, he has to do it without the help of the police,
because they're all in thrall to the Devil. Hey, waitaminnit... that
means it's Schwarzenegger vs. Lucifer, one-on-one! Arnold has plenty of
military hardware, but the Devil has extremely explosive piss. While
this may have made for a funny episode of South Park, the laughs in End
of Days are strictly unintentional..
About a third of the way into this hokum, it becomes increasingly clear
that Hyams' solution when the nonsensical story starts to drag is to
either show tit or blow something up. I started wishing I was
elsewhere. At the two-thirds mark, I was trying to figure out where I'd
seen baby-faced actress Tunney before (it was in 1996's The Craft.) By
the time the credits mercifully rolled, I found myself wondering how
someone with the offscreen business savvy and intelligence of
Schwarzenegger could have been talked into doing this lamentable
picture. Not since Commando has his peculiar brand of acting been so
unwatchable. Normally, his self-effacing sense of humor pulls him
through, but all his half-hearted attempts at wisecracks fall horribly
flat this time. Pollak, saddled with a poor man's version of Tom
Arnold's True Lies role as the regular-guy buddy, isn't much better
off. Even Byrne, who could have made much of his diabolical role with a
decent script, is reduced to ogling women and smirking a lot as proof of
his character's ultimate evil. Much of the dialogue is unforgivable; I
actually groaned out loud during one particularly idiotic interlude in
which Jericho is tempted by Satan (as if the unsubtle initials weren't
enough.) Eventually, the obligatory climactic effects blowout arrives,
and we get to see the Devil in the flesh, so to speak. Like everything
else that happens in the movie, it's a letdown, a bit of unconvincing
computer-generated silliness lifted out of some mindless videogame.
As a longtime Schwarzenegger fan, I hope the man realizes that the title
of this miserable failure of a movie also applies to his tenure as an
iconic action hero. At 54, he's still in incredible shape, but he's
older nonetheless, and so are the teenagers who once elevated him to
box-office champion status. If he is to remain relevant in the
Hollywood of the 21st century, he'll have to find a Clint Eastwood-esque
way to segue gracefully into a new identity.
GRADE: CRAP
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