Julian: ...but I wipe my own ass, I wipe my own ass!
(63 votes)
2
[Julian and the Delivery Guy are learning how to read] Julian: Electricity! Constitution! Philadelphia! Nazo: Fish! Pony! Hip, Hip Hop, Hip Hop anonymous? Damn you! You gave him the easy ones.
(54 votes)
3
Julian: [pointing to Vanessa's older lover] Daddy, is that the man with the old balls?
(52 votes)
4
Sonny: Man this Yoohoo is good, you know what else is good, smoking dope. I ain't gonna rat you out. You know, puffing the cheeba, go by the see saw smoke a j. You know what I'm talking about? Jared: I have a belly button. Sonny: You have a belly button, well we all have belly buttons. You know what? We all love Yoohoo, especially Yoohoo with a little rum. Jared: What's rum? Sonny: You don't know what Rum is? Jared: Rumplestilskin? Sonny: Rumplestilskin's a good man. So are you guys. Hey, stay clean, stay focused, stay strong. Frankenstein, have fun with your friends.
(45 votes)
5
Julian: But after my nap I always watch the Kangaroo Song. Sonny: It's overtime right now and there's a penalty shot about to take place. This happens about once every ten years so... Julian: Kangaroo song, kangaroo song,kangaroo song,KANGAROO SONG! Sonny: ALLLRRIIIGGGHTT! God you were normal yesterday!
(45 votes)
6
[at McDonald's] Sonny: Okay, what do you want? Julian: Cheerios. Sonny: Cheerios? They don't got Cheerios. What else? Julian: Lasagna. Sonny: Lasagna? What the hell is the matter with you? Um, we'll take hot cakes and sausage... Employee: Sorry, sir, we stopped serving breakfast. Sonny: What are you talking about? We're FOUR seconds late. Employee: No, you're 30 minutes and four seconds late. We stopped serving breakfast at 10:30. Sonny: Aw, HORSESHIT!
(11 votes)
7
[Discussing Vanessa's new senior citizen boyfriend] Vanessa: He has a five year plan. Sonny: What is it? "Don't die"?
(11 votes)
8
Sonny: You'll be missing me when you have that big white wrinkly body on top of you with his loose skin and old balls... gross!
(9 votes)
9
Sonny: Don't worry about me making money. I'm in love with a woman who makes plenty of it. She could be my sugar mamma. Homeless Guy: I gotta get me one of those.
(6 votes)
10
Nazo: This is bullshit. Should be same rules for everyone no matter what age!
(4 votes)
11
Layla: So two guys you were best friends with in law school fell in love with each other? Sonny: Yeah. Layla: Is that strange for you? Sonny: Uh, nothing changed really. They watch a different kind of porno now.
(3 votes)
12
Sonny: Congratulations! You and "Big Boobs" McGee are gonna get along just fine. Kevin: Don't call her "Big Boobs" McGee. Sonny: You're going to explain to your kids that you met their mother while she was waitressing at Hooters? Kevin: Sonny that was five years ago! She's a doctor now, and my fiance. So from now on, Dr. "Big Boobs" McGee.
(3 votes)
13
Tommy: How long have you delivered food to Mr. Koufax? Nazo: I deliver food for six years. Plus, I'm stripper. But I've gained weight so that's a problem. Tommy: I see. And, in your experience, was Sonny a good father to Julian? Nazo: Oh, yes. They make terrific pair. They went together like lamb and tuna fish. Tommy: Lamb and tuna fish? Nazo: Maybe you like spaghetti and meatball? You more comfortable with that analogy? Homeless Guy: Yes, considering we're in America. I mean, if you don't like spaghetti and meatballs, why don't you get the hell out? Nazo: Listen, I'll come down there and give you a crew cut, Mister. Homeless Guy: Let's see your clippers. Nazo: Not my problem your father was sick. Homeless Guy: That - well - -Stop yelling at me! AAAhhhhhhhh!
(3 votes)
14
Sonny: Where's Kevin? Corinne: Oh, he already left. He forgot to say goodbye to you. Sonny: Then why are you here? Corinne: I'm cleaning because you're useless. Sonny: Then are you going to go to your Hooters reunion? And talk about who's ass sticks out the most while wearing your shorts? Corinne: At least I can fit my ass in to my shorts, fatty. Sonny: [Taking out leftover food from fridge] Speaking of fatty, whose is this? Corinne: I don't know. Sonny: I'm eating it then.
(3 votes)
15
Sonny: Hey, the money I won in the cab accident is kicking ass in the stockmarket right now.
(2 votes)
16
Corinne: What's this I hear about you doing laundry with my sister? Sonny: Did she say we were doing laundry? Because where I come from, it's called "doing the hibbidy-dibbidy."
(2 votes)
17
Corinne: We wasted the good surprise on you!
(2 votes)
18
Julian: I wipe my own ass. Nazo: Me too.
(2 votes)
19
[discussing Julian's doll Scuba Steve] Nazo: I had a doll like that once but my cat bit his head off. Julian: What kind of cat would do that? Nazo: Are you calling me a liar?
(2 votes)
20
Julian: [after jumping around frantically to the Kangaroo song, Julian suddenly stops] Sonny: Aww, what's wrong, are you all hopped out? Julian: [Julian suddenly throws up all the junk food he has been eating all over the floor]
(2 votes)
21
[Sonny is dressed up as Scuba Sam] Sonny: Hi, Julian! How ya doin'? I'm Scuba Sam, Scuba Steve's father. You see, my boy needs to take a bath, the only problem is he's afraid to bathe alone. So, I was wondering if you'd keep him company in the tub.Terrific, and after your bath, you need to try and study hard because if you want to be in the Scuba Squad, you have to be smart. Julian: I can be in the Scuba Squad? Sonny: Well sure! All you have to do is work hard and don't tell a soul about the Scuba Squad because then everybody's gonna wanna join! Oh, and one more thing! Be nice to the Delivery Guy, will ya? It's not his fault he can't read.
(2 votes)
22
Waitress: Hey, cutie! What are you doing here? Julian: Watching football. Waitress: Oh yea, who do you want to win? Julian: The Goddamn Jets.
(1 vote)
23
Sonny: Having a kid is great... as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or speaking.
(1 vote)
24
[Music playing in the background] Layla: This is Styx. Sonny: Yeah. Layla: They've been my favorite band since I was, like, twelve. Sonny: You're kidding me? Layla: No, no, I can't help it, I just love them. My friends make fun of me all the time. Sonny: My friends make fun of me all the time, too. I've seen them, like, twenty-five times. Tommy Shaw, when I was, like, sixteen years old, I was at the concert, he actually reached out and grabbed my hand, pulled me up on stage, and I got to do the robot voice for Mr. Roboto!
25
Sonny: I had a mother all lined up for Julian but she's bangin' the Pepperidge Farm guy and this kid is always around! He won't stop peeing and throwing up, he's like a cocker spaniel.
26
[Ordering food] Sonny: Julian, what do you want? Julian: Thirty packets of ketchup.
27
Sonny: I'm going through a rough patch in my life right now. Syracuse is 0 and 3. I got those medical problems. Vanessa: Medical problems? A cab runs over your foot 2 years ago, you spend one night in the hospital. Sonny: First of all that cab was huge. And a jury decided that one night of pain was worth two hundred thousand dollars, so there ya go.
28
Sonny: Hey, you stay away from the frozen food section. Your boobs'll harden.
29
Sonny: Say "Happy Halloween". Reluctant Trick-or-Treat Giver: Happy Halloween. Sonny: Yeah, next year be prepared!
30
Homeless Guy: Sonny was real nice to the kid. Wish my father was like him. My father was a military man. Guess I wasn't such a good soldier. Anyways, when I was 35, he tried to give me a crew cut while I was asleep. I woke up, broke his arm, haven't seen him since. I'd rather live in a dumpster then under his freaky ass rules! (Notices a McDonald's bag in Sonny's hand) Anyways, I think Sonny Koufax should be acquitted of all the charges. If O.J. can get away with murder, why can't Sonny have his kid? (points at a black man) This guy knows what I'm talking about! No more questions!
31
Ted Castellucci: Objection, Your Honor! The court is interested in the truth, not the opinion of the defendant's father. Lenny: You want my opinion? My son is a moron. Ted Castellucci: I withdraw my objection. Please proceed!
32
[Julian is taking a leak] Julian: How come you're not going? Sonny: Because I don't have to go. Only you and my grandfather go every thirty seconds.
33
Sonny: I'm working on a big case: I'm gonna sue you assholes for making me come down here.
34
[afternoticing Julian had wet the bed] Sonny: My God, that's a shit load of piss.
35
Sonny: What's in the bag Corrine? Chicken wings? Booby tassles?
36
Sonny: Have a good sleep there, Corrine. Pleasant Hooters!
37
Homeless Guy: This is America. If you don't like Spaghetti and Meatballs, then you can just get the hell out!
38
Sonny: You want a father figure? Stop pulling your sister's hair!
39
Sonny: I got some interesting news? Lenny: Oh yeah, what? Sonny: I kind of adopted a kid Lenny: What the hell are you talking about? Sonny: I'm talking about you becoming a grandfather, congratulations Lenny: And who the hell would give you a kid? Sonny: Social Services Lenny: You idiot, you better give that kid back Sonny: His mother's *screams at Julian* "Hey Buddy, go play with them pigeons over there" I tried to give him back, I just, I just, I just can't! , I need your help I'm in a bad way right now, Vanessa dumped me, I don't know what the hell I'm doing Lenny: You damn right you don't know what the hell you doing
40
Sonny: [after Julien kills a bunch of pigeons with a sling shot] Let me have that. Go to your room... I guess. Or go do whatever you want.
41
Sonny: What do you eat? Julian: Food. Sonny: Oh yea? Well I eat food too.
42
[Sonny is on the stand at the custody hearing for Julian] Tommy: [stands up] Objection! Lenny: Shut up, Tommy! Tommy: [sits down] Sorry, Mr. Koufax.
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