[the U.S. and Florida game officials finally show up] Sheriff Hank Keough: We, uh, trapped him with our chopper.
(22 votes)
2
Mrs. Bickerman: I'm rooting for the crocodile. I hope he swallows your friends whole.
(19 votes)
3
Sheriff Hank Keough: Ma'am, your husband Bernie, you didn't by any chance lead him to the lake blindfolded? Mrs. Bickerman: If I had a dick, this is where I'd tell you to suck it!
(19 votes)
4
[Upon finding a decaying toe] Hector: Is this the man that was killed? Sheriff Hank Keough: He seemed... taller.
(18 votes)
5
[to a game warden] Hector Cyr: I'm a civilian, not a trout - you have no authority over me whatsoever.
(18 votes)
6
Kelly Scott: The lake is so black and still. Sheriff Hank Keough: Yeah, we wanted to call it Lake Placid, but we heard that name was already taken.
7
Jack Wells: It's not a science trip. Kelly Scott: Could you be a little more condescending? 'Cause I'm not real great with subtlety. Jack Wells: Something in that lake killed somebody, all right? I appreciate your trying to help. I'm really glad that you... brought the RAID. Kelly Scott: There, that's better. Jack Wells: Ma'am... Kelly Scott: Look, if you call me "ma'am" one more time I'll sue you for sexual harrassment, and with today's laws, it's possible. Sheriff Hank Keough: She's good.
8
Kelly Scott: You got to fire your big gun. Did it meet your expectations? Sheriff Hank Keough: Overrated.
9
Kelly Scott: I don't do field and even if I did... Maine? I'm allergic to timber!
10
Sheriff Hank Keough: I... I... I never heard of a crocodile crossing an ocean. Hector Cyr: Well, they conceal information like that in books.
11
Sheriff Hank Keough: Tents were sent ahead. Should already be set up by the time we get there. Kelly Scott: Tents? We're staying in TENTS? Sheriff Hank Keough: I told you, two days we'd have to camp. Kelly Scott: Yes! Camp! But I thought that meant Ramada Inn. I never heard tents! Will there be toilets? Jack Wells: Maybe we should just take you back. Kelly Scott: Why? Because I prefer toilets? Kelly Scott: Maybe I should just wipe myself with some leafy little piece of poison oak. And then I can spend the whole day scratchin' my ass, blendin' in with the natives.
12
Kelly Scott: Uh, there's something I wanted to ask you. What's it like to be a woman in the woods of Maine? I mean, the guys don't turn all horny or anything like they did in Deliverance, right? [She sees Jack Wells is listening] Kelly Scott: Ahh... I knew you were there. Jack Wells: Hmm. Never been to Maine before, huh? Kelly Scott: Oh, I have good hygiene, I'm not welcome.
13
Sheriff Hank Keough: Who are you? Hector Cyr: Hector Cyr, I said it once, lemme know when it sinks in, OK?
14
Sheriff Hank Keough: Crocodiles can't swim in salt water. Hector Cyr: Yeah, well, that'll be your little secret.
15
[Sheriff Keough finds two of his deputies digging a deep hole and gives them an icy stare] 1st Deputy: He paid us. Five hundred. 2nd Deputy: It's a trap. Sheriff Hank Keough: You accepted money from him? 1st Deputy: We took a check.
16
[Hector Cyr is dancing with a female Deputy Sheriff] Hector Cyr: Law enforcement is very dangerous work isn't it? [She nods] Hector Cyr: And you have such big, wonderful boobs. Deputy Sharon Gare: Ha! Thank you!
17
[Hector Cyr is preparing to SCUBA dive to look for the crocodile] Sheriff Hank Keough: I brought a pork chop for luck. Maybe you could hang it around your neck. Hector Cyr: That's sweet. Maybe later you can chew the bark off my big fat log.
18
Mrs. Bickerman: Oh, my husband passed away. It's been almost two years now. Sheriff Hank Keough: My department doesn't have any record of that, Mrs. Bickerman. Mrs. Bickerman: Well, I'm sorry. Incomplete records haunt me so. Jack Wells: What was the cause of your husband's death, ma'am? Do you know? Kelly Scott: We don't mean to invade your privacy, but was he ill, was he sick? Sheriff Hank Keough: Was he swallowed?
19
Sheriff Hank Keough: The tooth is in here. Kelly Scott: Well that's... that's the morgue. Sheriff Hank Keough: Yes. Kelly Scott: Well, uh... is the dead guy in there? Sheriff Hank Keough: That's where they keep 'em. Look, you want me to bring the tooth out here? Kelly Scott: No. No, let's... after you.
20
Hector Cyr: I am a brown belt! Go ahead! Take your best shot! Take your best [the sheriff punches him in the nose, knocks him flat] Sheriff Hank Keough: He said he knew karate. Jack Wells: You hit him. Sheriff Hank Keough: I did, yeah. Hector Cyr: Did he say "go"? Aren't you supposed to say "go" in karate? You're supposed to say "go"!
21
Sheriff Hank Keough: Look. He's suffering. I get to be humane. [Aims grenade launcher] Hector Cyr: No! No. No, no, no look, he's trapped. We've done it. So what it's not a net but, but, but he's trapped. Mission accomplished. Jack Wells: Shoot him! Hector Cyr: I've got more drugs. He's half dead. Jack Wells: He's half alive! Shoot him!
22
Mrs. Bickerman: Murders and rapes in the city, people bomb planes, can the police stop 'em? No! But feed one little cow to a crocodile... Sheriff Hank Keough: You're gonna stay right here until the police show. You're under full house arrest. Mrs. Bickerman: Thank you, officer fuck-meat!
23
Hector Cyr: He bit me! He bit me! There's two! There's two! Sheriff Hank Keough: I can count. [the second crocs rears up out of the water and the sheriff blows his head off with the grenade launcher] Sheriff Hank Keough: Back to one.
24
Hector Cyr: What'd Bickerman say? Jack Wells: Well, she didn't want to tell us about the second croc 'cause she was afraid we'd blow its head off. Sheriff Hank Keough: Women's intuition.
25
[to the sheriff] Hector: Sometimes when friends of the family say things, they tend not to sink in. So maybe it would help to hear it from a complete stranger. YOU'RE FAT.
26
Kelly Scott: His scales were oval. He's an Asian Crocodile. Sheriff Hank Keough: Why... why would he come here? I mean, it's impossible. Asia. How would he get here? Hector Cyr: Obviously some asshole in Hong Kong flushed him down the toilet.
27
Mrs. Bickerman: I'll sue you! Jack Wells: Go ahead. Mrs. Bickerman: You can't take a cow by eminent domain! Sheriff Hank Keough: We just did. Jack Wells: We won't let her get hurt, Ma'am. Mrs. Bickerman: You're all cocksuckers! I knew it first, I just didn't want to say it!
28
Kelly Scott: What kind of backup do we have? Sheriff Hank Keough: We? Kelly Scott: What? Sheriff Hank Keough: Well, I'm a little unclear as to why the museum would send somebody here. Kelly Scott: You got a thing against museums? Sheriff Hank Keough: Naw, I got nothin' against museums. Kelly Scott: Ever been in one?
29
[Kelly slaps Keough] Sheriff Hank Keough: Quit hitting me! Kelly Scott: Stop throwing heads at me!
30
Sheriff Hank Keough: We're saved! The museum in New York just sent us some additional backup. Kelly Scott: Kelly Scott. Jack Wells: Jack Wells. Kelly Scott: Hi. Jack Wells: Eh, some museum sent ya', huh? Kelly Scott: What, are we all museum bigots in Maine? Sheriff Hank Keough: She's rude sarcastic. You two should get along.
31
Jack Wells: Do you know how your husband died? Mrs. Bickerman: Oh yes! I killed him. Jack Wells: You killed him? Mrs. Bickerman: Oh yes!
32
Kelly Scott: I will NOT calm down! This is the second time I've been hit with a severed head and I DON'T LIKE IT!
33
Hector Cyr: Let's not overlook the fact that he didn't eat me. Jack Wells: 'Cause he just ate a cow, stupid!
34
[In the progress of taming the crocodile instead of killing it] Kelly Scott: We're doing the right thing. Jack Wells: You wouldn't think so if you are eaten.
35
Hector Cyr: Did she tell you we had sex? So vigorous! Kelly Scott: I *never* had sex with you! Hector Cyr: Damn, I'm so terrible, they never remember.
36
Hector Cyr: You're supposed to say 'go' in karate. You face each other, you bow, and you say go! Sheriff Hank Keough: Yeah, as in go fuck yourself!
37
Mrs. Bickerman: Is it illegal to wish the chewing of law enforcement?
38
Mrs. Bickerman: [slapping her cow to the crocodile] Come and get it.
39
Kelly Scott: You hurt his feelings. Jack Wells: I don't care. [to Keough] Jack Wells: Do you care? Sheriff Hank Keough: No, he's an asshole.
40
Sheriff Hank Keough: Oh God, we forgot to pack feminine napkins!
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