Miles Massey: All right, so much for the ice-breakers. What are you after, Freddy? [takes a drink of water] Freddy Bender: My client is prepared to settle for 50 percent of the marital assets. [Miles spits out some water] Miles Massey: Why only 50, Freddy? Why not a hundred? While we're dreaming, why not 150? Are you familiar with "Kershner"? Freddy Bender: "Kershner" does not apply. Miles Massey: Bring this to trial, we'll see if "Kershner" applies. Rex: What's "Kershner"? Miles Massey: Please, let me handle this. Freddy Bender: "Kershner" was in Kentucky. Miles Massey: "Kershner" was in Kentucky? Freddy Bender: "Kershner" was in Kentucky. Miles Massey: All right, Freddy, forget "Kershner". What's your bottom line? Freddy Bender: Primary residence, 30 percent of remaining assets. Miles Massey: What, are you nuts? Have you forgotten "Kershner"?
(98 votes)
2
[Marylin's poodle bites Miles Massey on his hand] Marylin Rexroth: Ow. Howard. Miles Massey: Howard. You named him after your ex. Marylin Rexroth: I'm sentimental.
(84 votes)
3
Wrigley: Why are we eating here? Nero's Waitress: What's his problem? Miles Massey: Just bring him an iceberg lettuce and a mealy tomato wedge smothered with French Dressing. Nero's Waitress: And for you? Miles Massey: Ham sandwich on stale rye bread. Lots of mayo, easy on the ham. Nero's Waitress: Slaw Cup? Miles Massey: What the hell.
(83 votes)
4
Rex Rexroth: Have you sat before her before? Miles Massey: No. No, the judge sits first. Then we sit. Rex Rexroth: Well, have you sat after her before? Wrigley: Sat after her before? You mean, have we argued before her before? Miles Massey: The judge sits in judgment. The counsel argues before the judge. Rex Rexroth: So, have you argued before her before? Wrigley: Before her before, or before she sat before? Rex Rexroth: Before her before. I said, before her before. Wrigley: No, you said before she sat before. Rex Rexroth: I did at first, but... Miles Massey: Look, don't argue. Rex Rexroth: I'm not. I'm... Wrigley: No, you don't argue. We argue. Miles Massey: Counsel argues. Wrigley: You appear. Miles Massey: The judge sits. Wrigley: Then you sit. Miles Massey: Or you stand in contempt. Wrigley: And then we argue. Miles Massey: The counsel argues. Rex Rexroth: Which you've done before. Miles Massey: Which we've done before. Rex Rexroth: Ah. Wrigley: But not before her.
(77 votes)
5
Marylin Rexroth: They bought Massey's argument. If I lied or cheated and was with Rex only for his money, then he shouldn't have to give me any. Sarah Sorkin: Well, that makes no sense. Why else would you put in all those years?
(77 votes)
6
[last lines] Gus Petch: We gonna make you laugh, we gonna make you cry, but most of all, we gonna [with audience] Gus Petch: nail your ass! Audience: [chanting] Nail your ass! Nail your ass! Nail your ass!
(6 votes)
7
Miles Massey: Sorry. I'm not omniscient.
(2 votes)
8
[repeated line] Gus Petch: I'm gonna nail your ass!
(2 votes)
9
Donovan Donaly: Explain this away, darling!
10
Wrigley: What do you think? Miles Massey: What are they, ladles? Wrigley: Berry spoons. Miles Massey: Spoons? Wrigley: Berry spoons. Everybody has spoons. Miles Massey: And nobody *needs* berry spoons. Wrigley: Everybody eats berries. Miles Massey: Who are you, Pollyanna? Where'd you see 'em at? A Martha Stewart catalog right next to the silver napkin rings? Stadium seat ass-warmers?
11
Freddy Bender: If you have a proposal to make, let's hear it. Miles Massey: Well, at this point, my client is still prepared to consider reconciliation. Freddy Bender: My client's ruled that out. Miles Massey: My client is prepared to entertain an amicable dissolution to the marriage without prejudice. Freddy Bender: That's a fart in a stiff wind. Miles Massey: My client proposes a 30-day cooling-off period. Freddy Bender: My client feels sufficiently dispassionate. Miles Massey: My client asks that you not initiate proceedings pending his setting certain affairs in order.
12
Wrigley: Who needs a home when you've got a colostomy bag?
13
Miles Massey: Attila the Hun. Ivan the Terrible. Henry the Eighth. What do they have in common? Wrigley: [thinks] Middle name?
14
[Wheezy Joe has just accidentally shot himself] Wrigley: Told him it was no go...
15
Miles Massey: [of Rex's wife] Has she retained counsel? Rex: I don't know... She has Rottweilers. Miles Massey: Not a good sign.
16
Miles Massey: [after ordering food for both of them] I assume you're a carnivore. Marylin Rexroth: [laughing] Oh, Mr. Massey. You have *no* *idea*.
17
Herb Myerson: I'm going to talk to you about the law. We serve the law. We honor the law. And sometimes, we obey the law. But this is not one of those times.
18
Bonnie Donaly: You should have seen this coming you Australian piece of shit!
19
Gus Petch: . . and those Rottweilers were a menace, man! Miles Massey: I told you she had dogs. Gus Petch: You didn't tell me they had a hard on for Anus Africanus!
20
Wrigley: Rex, sit!
21
Howard D. Doyle: I love you like a son of a bitch.
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