Gingerbread Man: All right. Do you know... the muffin man? Lord Farquaad: The muffin man? Gingerbread Man: The muffin man. Lord Farquaad: Yes, I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane? Gingerbread Man: She's married to the muffin man... Lord Farquaad: The muffin man? Gingerbread Man: THE MUFFIN MAN. Lord Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man.
(81 votes)
2
[whispering to the mob after roaring at them] Shrek: This is the part where you run away.
(86 votes)
3
Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. [nose grows] Captain of Guards: Five schillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
(67 votes)
4
[Shrek enters the tournament] Lord Farquaad: What's that? It's hideous. Shrek: Well, that's not very nice. [looks at Donkey] Shrek: It's just a donkey.
(64 votes)
5
[Shrek and Donkey are on their way to rescue Fiona, Donkey sniffs the air] Donkey: Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that. My mouth was open and everything. Shrek: Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead. That's brimstone... we must be getting close Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone, don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelt and it wasn't no brimstone and it didn't come off no stone neither.
(58 votes)
6
Donkey: Wow, that was really scary and if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath will certainly get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something 'cause your breath STINKS.
(6 votes)
7
Donkey: I just know, before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.
(5 votes)
8
Donkey: This'll be fun. We'll stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning... I'm making waffles.
(4 votes)
9
Donkey: Whoa. Look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that? Shrek: That would be my home. Donkey: Oh and it is LOVELY. You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder.
(3 votes)
10
[while looking at Lord Farquaad's huge castle] Shrek: Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?
(3 votes)
11
Shrek: Donkey, two things okay? Shut... up.
(3 votes)
12
[Donkey and Shrek are looking at constellations in the night sky] The Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. The Donkey: Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Shrek: That's the moon. The Donkey: Oh, okay.
(3 votes)
13
Donkey: Shrek, you know how ogres have layers? Shrek: Oh, aye? Donkey: Well, donkeys don't have no layers. We wear our fear right there on our sleeves. Shrek: But Donkey, donkeys don't wear sleeves. Donkey: You know what I mean. Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights? Donkey: No, I'm just uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge, over a *boiling lake of lava*.
(3 votes)
14
Donkey: You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha.
(2 votes)
15
Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
(2 votes)
16
Donkey: Hi, princess. Princess Fiona: It talks. Shrek: Yeah, but it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.
(2 votes)
17
Princess Fiona: The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. Shrek: Uh, no. Princess Fiona: Why not? Shrek: I have helmet hair. Princess Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. Shrek: Oh, no, you wouldn't... tst. Princess Fiona: But... how will you kiss me? Shrek: What? That wasn't in the job description. The Donkey: Maybe it's a perk.
(2 votes)
18
Lord Farquaad: Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man. Gingerbread Man: You're a monster.
(2 votes)
19
[Shrek rescues Fiona] Princess Fiona: What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. Shrek: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
(2 votes)
20
Shrek: Well it's no wonder you don't have any friends. The Donkey: Wow, only a true friend would be that truely honest.
(1 vote)
21
Shrek: Oh no no no, dead broad OFF THE TABLE! Dwarf: Well where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. Shrek: What? Big Bad Wolf: [dressed as Grandmother in bed] What?
(1 vote)
22
[eyeing the "KEEP OUT" signs surrounding Shrek's home] Donkey: You, uh... you don't entertain much, do you? Shrek: I like my privacy. Donkey: Y'know, me too. That's another thing we have in common. I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence... [big awkward silence ensues] Donkey: ... Can I stay with you?
(1 vote)
23
Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please? Shrek: Of course. Donkey: Really? Shrek: NO. Donkey: Please. I don't wanna go back there. You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak... Well, maybe you do, but that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay!
(1 vote)
24
Little Pig: He hooffed und he poooffed und he... signed an eviction notice.
(1 vote)
25
Lord Farquaad: Tell me where are the others. Gingerbread Man: Eat me. [spits]
(1 vote)
26
Puppets at the Information Center: [singing] / Welcome to Duloc / Such a perfect town / Here we have some rules / Let us lay them down / Don't make waves / Stay in line / And we'll get along fine / Duloc is a perfect place / Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes / Wipe your... FACE. / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is a perfect... place. Donkey: Wow. Let's do that again.
(1 vote)
27
Shrek: Sure it's big enough... but look at the location.
(1 vote)
28
Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now.
(1 vote)
29
[Shrek, Donkey, and Fiona are in the forest. Shrek burps] The Donkey: Shrek. Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. The Donkey: But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. [Fiona burps louder] Princess Fiona: Thanks. The Donkey: [to Shrek] She's as nasty as you are.
(1 vote)
30
Princess Fiona: Well, when one lives alone, one has to learns these things in case there's... [points] Princess Fiona: THERE'S AN ARROW IN YOUR BUTT. Shrek: What? [looks at arrow] Shrek: Oh, would you look at that.
(1 vote)
31
Donkey: And then one time I ate some rotten berries. Man there were some strong gases eeking outta my butt that day.
(1 vote)
32
Lord Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall / Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Magic Mirror: Well, technically, you're not a king. Lord Farquaad: Thelonius? [Thelonius the Executioner smashes a small looking glass] Magic Mirror: [nervous] Er, I mean you're not a king YET...
(1 vote)
33
[about Snow White] Magic Mirror: Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy.
(1 vote)
34
[the seven dwarves have placed Snow White in the table] Shrek: Oh, no no no no. Dead broad OFF the table...
(1 vote)
35
[Donkey keeps humming] Shrek: All right, you're going the right way for a smack bottom.
36
Lord Farquaad: Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.
37
Shrek: Thank you, thank you very much. I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal.
38
Donkey: Okay, let me get this straight: you gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad'll give you back your swamp, which you only don't have 'cos he filled it full of freaks in the first place, is that about right?
39
Shrek: Ogres are like onions. Donkey: They stink? Shrek: Yes. No. Donkey: Oh, they make you cry. Shrek: No. Donkey: Oh, you leave em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. Shrek: NO. Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [sighs] Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions.
40
Donkey: I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt, too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going.
41
[Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava] Donkey: Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down. Keep on moving, don't look down... [a board under Donkey breaks, causing him to look down] Donkey: Shrek, I'm looking down.
42
Donkey: So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway? Shrek: In the tower, waiting for us to rescue her. Donkey: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
43
Shrek: Go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Donkey: Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess. Shrek: The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. Donkey: How do you know that? Shrek: I read it in a book once.
44
Donkey: Don't mess wit' me. I'm the Stair Master. I've Mastered the Stairs. I wish I had a step right here, I could step here and here and here and step all over it.
45
[to the dragon] Donkey: Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean white sparkly teeth, I know you probably hear this all the time from your food but you must bleach or something, 'cause that's one dazzling smile you got there and do I detect a hint of minty freshness?
46
[to dragon] Donkey: Why of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty... hey, what's the matter wit you, you got somethin' in your eye?
47
Princess Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon? Shrek: It's on my "to do" list. Now come on. Princess Fiona: But this isn't right. You're meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying-that's what all the other knights did. Shrek: Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
48
Princess Fiona: What kind of a knight are you? Shrek: One of a kind.
49
The Donkey: All right, I hope you heard that? She called me a "noble steed." She thinks I'm a steed.
50
Shrek: Hold the phone.
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