Other Titles • The Emperor's New Groove • Kingdom in the Sun • Kingdom of the Sun
Quotes from The Emperor's New Groove (2000)
1
Kuzco: You know, it's a good thing you're not a big, fat guy or this would be really difficult.
(10 votes)
2
[after telling Pacha that he intends to destroy Pacha's villiage and build "Kuzcotopia"] Pacha: But, but, um, where will *we* live? Kuzco: Hmm. Don't know, don't care. How's that?
(2 votes)
3
Kuzco: No touchy.
(1 vote)
4
Yzma: Are you talking to that squirrel? Kronk: I was a junior chipmunk, uh, and I had to be versed in all the woodland creatures. [to squirrel] Kronk: Please continue. [squirrel talks to Kronk] Yzma: [walking away] Why me? Why me? Why me? Why...? Kronk: Hey, it doesn't always have to be about you. This poor little guy's had it rough. Seems a talking llama gave him a hard time the other day. [Yzma rushes over to them] Yzma: Oh, a talking llama? Do tell. [squirrel whispers to Kronk] Kronk: Uh, he doesn't really wanna talk to you. Yzma: Well, then *you* ask him. Kronk: [sigh] Hate being in the middle. Kronk: [speaking squirrel] Squeaky, uh, squeak, sqeaker, squeakin'.
(1 vote)
5
Yzma: Take him out of town and finish the job now! Kronk: What about dinner? Yzma: Kronk, this is kind of important. Kronk: How about dessert? Yzma: Well, I suppose there's time for dessert. Kronk: And coffee? Yzma: All right. A quick cup of coffee. Then take him out of town and finish the job!
(1 vote)
6
[the palace guards have been transformed into animals] Yzma: Get them! Cow Guard: Hey, I've been turned into a cow. Can I go home? Yzma: You're excused. Anybody else? Other Guards: No, no. We're good.
(1 vote)
7
Kuzco: This is Yzma, the emperor's advisor. Living proof that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth.
(1 vote)
8
Yzma: Tell us where the talking llama is, and we'll burn your house to the ground. Kronk: Uh, don't you mean "or"? Yzma: [sighs] Tell us where the talking llama is, *or* we'll burn your house to the ground. Chaca: Well, which one is it? That seems like a pretty crucial conjunction.
(1 vote)
9
[Kuzco considers seven potential brides who all look remarkably alike] Kuzco: Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. And, let me guess, you have a great personality.
(1 vote)
10
Pacha: Someday, you're gonna wind up all alone, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself. Kuzko: Thanks for that. I'll log that away.
(1 vote)
11
[Kuzco and Pacha are tied to a tree branch floating in a river] Pacha: Uh-oh. Kuzco: Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall. Pacha: Yep. Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom? Pacha: Most likely. Kuzco: Bring it on.
12
Pacha: Where'd you come from, little guy? Kuzco: No... touchy. Pacha: Demon llama! Kuzco: Demon llama? Where? [Turns around and sees Misty, a real llama] Misty: Maaah. Kuzco: Aaah!
13
[after falling into the alligator pit] Yzma: Why do we even *have* that lever?
14
[after firing Yzma] Kuzco: [sing-song] So... who's in my chaaaaaair? Kronk: Oh, oh! I know! Yzma. Yzma's in your chair, right? Kuzco: Very good, Kronk! Here. Get the snack.
15
[on Kuzco] Yzma: Why, I practically raised him. Kronk: Yeah, you'd think he would've turned out better. Yzma: Yeah, go figure.
16
Kuzco: Okay, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice as I should have been. But, Yzma, do you really want to kill me? Yzma: Just think of it as you're being let go, that your life's going in a different direction, that your body's part of a permanent outplacement. Kronk: Hey, that's kinda like what he said to you when you got fired. Yzma: I know. It's called a "cruel irony", like my dependence on you.
17
Waitress: Ordering. Three pork combos, extra bacon on the side, two chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch of the day, and a steak cut in the shape of a trout. You got all that, honey? Kronk: Three oinkers wearing pants, plate of hot air, basket of Grandma's breakfast and change the bull to a gill, got it.
18
Old Man: Oh, it's not the first time I was tossed out of a window, and it won't be the last. What can I say? I'm a rebel.
19
[plotting ways to kill Kuzco] Yzma: Ah, how shall I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea, a harmless, little flea, and then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives... Yzma: [laughs] Yzma: ...I'll smash it with a hammer! It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say! Yzma: [knocks over bottle of poison on flower, which shrivels up and dies] Yzma: Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this.
20
Pacha: We shook hands on it! Kuzko: You know, the funny thing about shaking hands is... [wiggles hoofs] Kuzko: ...you need hands.
21
[Yzma and Kuzco never see each other. When one exits, the other enters] Yzma: Make me the special. And hold the gravy! Kronk: Check. Pickup! Kuzco: You know what? On second thought, make my omelette a meat pie. Kronk: Meat pie. Check. Yzma: Kronk! Can I order the potatoes as a side dish? Kronk: I'll have to charge you full price. Yzma: [annoyed] Ooh. Kuzco: Hey, how about a side of potatoes, my buddy? Kronk: You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes? Yzma: Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine. Kronk: Cheddar spuds coming up. Kuzco: Spuds yes, cheese no. Kronk: Hold the cheese. Yzma: No, I want the cheese. Kronk: Cheese it is. Kuzco: Cheese me no "likee." Kronk: Cheese out. Yzma: Cheese in! Kronk: Ah, come on. Make up your mind! Kuzco: Okay, okay, on second thought... Yzma, Kuzco: ...make my potatoes a salad.
22
Kuzko: Hey, Kronk, can you top me off, pal, be a friend?
23
Kuzco: Boo-yeah.
24
Kuzco: Boom, baby!
25
Yzma: A llama? He's supposed to be *dead*. Kronk: Yeah, weird.
26
[Kronk's Shoulder Angel and Devil debate saving Kuzco] Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Listen up, big guy. I got three good reasons why you should just walk away. Number one. Look at that guy! He's got that sissy stringy music thing. Kronk's Shoulder Angel: We've been through this. It's a harp, and you know it. Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Oh, right. That's a harp, and that's a dress. Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Robe! Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Reason number two. Look what I can do. Ha-ha, ha! [does one-armed handstand] Kronk: But what does that have to do with me? Kronk's Shoulder Angel: No, no. He's got a point. Kronk: Listen, you guys. You're sort of confusing me, so, um, begone... or, um, however I get rid of you guys. Kronk's Shoulder Devil: That'll do. [Angel and devil disappear]
27
[Kuzko collides with an old man while dancing] Kuzco: Aargh. You threw off my groove! Guard: I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the Emperor's groove. [the old man is thrown out of the palace window] Old Man: Sorry.
28
Tipo: [waking from a dream] Dad, look out! ChiCha: Tipo, what is it? Tipo: I had a dream that Dad was tied to a log and was careening out of control down a raging river of death! ChiCha: It's all right, it's all right. It was just a dream. Tipo: It was awful! ChiCha: Calm down, Tipo. Your dad's fine. He just went back to the emperor. Tipo: Oh, just like you told him to, because you're always right. ChiCha: That's right. Chaca: Well, in my dream, Dad had to kiss a llama. Tipo: Yeah, like that would ever happen. Chaca: It could. ChiCha: Na-hah! Chaca: Yeah-hah! Tipo: Na-hah! [they keep exchanging "Na-hah"s and "Yeah-hah"s at lightning speed] ChiCha: Good night, kids. Tipo, Chaca: Night, Mom! [resume bickering as ChiCha blows out the lights]
29
Yzma: [handing him a bottle of poison] Take it, Kronk. Oh ho ho! Feel the power. Kronk: Oh, I feel it. Yzma: Our moment of triumph approaches. Ha ha ha ha ha! It's dinner time!
30
Kuzco: Oh, and by the way, you're fired. Yzma: Fired? W-W-What do you mean, "fired"? [Kuzco snaps his finger and a servant comes in and writes down Yzma's "pink slip"] Kuzco: Um, how else can I say it? "You're being let go." "Your department's being downsized." "You're part of an outplacement." "We're going in a different direction." "We're not picking up your option." Take your pick. I got more.
31
[while Kuzco and Pacha are trying out all of Yzma's potions] Kuzco: Yay. I'm a llama again! Kuzco: [beat] Wait...
32
Kuzko: Um, what's with the chimp and the bug? Can we get back to *me*?
33
Kronk: What are the odds of that trap door leadin' me out here?
34
Yzma: Kronk! Why did I think you could do this? This one simple thing. It's like I'm talking to a monkey. Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Whoa now! Yzma: A really, really big, stupid monkey named Kronk! Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Ouch. Yzma: And do you want to know something else? I've never liked your spinach puffs. [Kronk, his Shoulder Angel, and his Shoulder Devil all simultaneously gasp] Yzma: Never! [Kronk begins to cry] Kronk's Shoulder Devil: That's it. [cocks pitchfork like a gun] Kronk's Shoulder Devil: She's goin' down. Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Now, now, remember, guys. From above, the wickeds shall receive their just reward. Kronk's Shoulder Angel, Kronk's Shoulder Devil, Kronk: [looks up at the chandelier which is illuminated with heavenly light while angelic music plays] That'll work. [Kronk cuts a rope so that a chandelier will fall on Yzma and kill her. It falls around Yzma, instead of on her] Kronk: Strange. That usually works. Yzma: So does *this*! Yzma: [pulls lever for trap door] Kronk: Ah. Should've seen that coming. Whoa!
35
Kuzco: I can't believe this is happening! Yzma: Then I bet you weren't expecting *this*. [Yzma pulls up her dress. Kuzco and Pacha scream] Yzma: [Yzma revealing a knife attatched to her leg] Aha! [Kuzco and Pacha sigh with relief] Kuzco: Oh, okay.
36
Kuzko: [after throwing a rock at Pacha's head, acting innocent] Huh? What? I didn't do anything. I didn't... Somebody's throwin' stuff. You gonna build a fire or what?
37
Yzma: [squeaky voice] Looking for this? [clutching her throat] Yzma: Is that my voice? [coughs] Yzma: Is that *my* voice? Oh, well.
38
Kuzco: Will you take a look at that? Pretty pathetic, huh? Well, you'll never believe this, but that llama you're looking at was once a human being. And not just any human being. That guy was an emperor. A rich, powerful ball of charisma. Oh, yeah! This is his story. Well, actually, my story. That's right... I'm that llama. The name is Kuzco... Emperor Kuzco. I was the world's nicest guy and they ruined my life for no reason. Oh, is that hard to believe? Look, I'll tell you what. You go back a ways, you know, before I was a llama, and this will all make sense. [cut to Kuzco as an infant] Kuzco: All right, now see. That's a little too far back. Ooh! Look at me! That's me as a baby. Ahem! All right, let's move ahead.
39
Kuzco: Oh, yeah. This is the real me. [cut to llama] Kuzco: Not this. [back to Kuzco] Kuzco: This... [back to llama] Kuzco: Not this. [back to Kuzco] Kuzco: Winner... [back to llama] Kuzco: Loser!
40
Yzma: Kuzco is dead, right? Tell me Kuzco's dead. I need to hear these words. Kronk: But do you need to hear all those words exactly? Yzma: [angry] He's still alive? Kronk: Well, he's not as dead as we would have hoped. Yzma: Kronk! Yzma: Just thought I'd give you a heads-up in case Kuzco ever comes back. Yzma: He can't come back! Kronk: Yeah, that would be kinda awkward, especially after that lovely eulogy. Yzma: You think? You and I are going out to find him. If he talks, we're through. Now let's move!
41
Kuzco: What is this guy babbling about? He's like the thing that wouldn't shut up.
42
Pacha: Emperor Kuzco? Kuzco: Yeah. Who else did you think you were talking to? Pacha: Um... How did... You, um... don't look like the emperor. Kuzco: What do you mean I don't look like the emperor? Pacha: Um... do this. [wiggles fingers] Kuzco: What is this, some little game you country folk like to play? [sees his hoffed hand] Kuzco: What? No, it can't be! [looks at his reflection in the water] Kuzco: Ahh! My face! My beautiful, beautiful face! I'm an ugly, stinky llama! Wah-hah-hah! Llama face!
43
Yzma: It is no concern of mine whether or not your family has... what was it again? Peasant: Umm... food? Yzma: Ha! You should have thought of that before you became peasants.
44
Kuzco: Wait a minute. I remember you. I remember telling you that I was building my pool where your house was, and then you got mad at me. Oh! And you turned me into a llama! Pacha: What? No, I did not. Kuzco: Yes, and then you kidnapped me! Pacha: Why would I kidnap a llama? Kuzco: I have no idea. You're the criminal mastermind, not me. Pacha: What? Kuzco: You're right. That's giving you way too much credit.
45
Kuzco: Hey, tiny. I wanna get out of this body. Wouldn't you? Now let's go. Pacha: Build your summerhouse somewhere else. Kuzco: You wanna run that by me again? Pacha: I can't let you go back unless you change your mind and build your summer home somewhere else. Kuzco: I got a little secret for you. Come here. No, closer. [Pacha comes closer] Kuzco: [loudly, in Pacha's ear] I don't make deals with peasants!
46
Yzma: And so, it is with great sadness that we mourn the sudden departure of our beloved prince, taken from us so tragically on the very eve of his eighteenth birthday. Kronk: [sobbing] Poor little guy. Yzma: His legacy will live in our hearts... Kronk: He never had a chance. Yzma: ...for all eternity. [pause] Yzma: Well, he ain't getting any deader! Back to work.
47
Kuzco: [voiceover] So this is where you came in. See, just like I said, I'm the victim here. I didn't do anything, and they ruined my life and took everything I had. Kuzco: Hey, give it a rest up there, will ya? Kuzco: [voiceover] What? I'm just telling them what happened. Kuzco: Who you kidding, pal? They saw the whole thing. They know what happened. Kuzco: [voiceover] Well, yeah, but... but... Kuzco: Just leave me alone.
48
[Yzma is sleeping in a huge tent, while Kronk is in a tent so small it only covers his waist. Suddenly Kronk jerks awake] Kronk: That peasant, at the diner! [pause] Kronk: He didn't pay his check. [falls back asleep, but then jerks back up] Kronk: He's the peasant who I saw leaving the city who disappeared into the crowd with Kuzco on the back of his cart. He must have taken him back to his village, so if we find the village, we find him, and if we find him, we find Kuzco. Oh, yeah, it's all comin' together. Yzma! [runs into her tent] Yzma: What? Kronk: Aah! [Yzma sits up and has goop all over her face, and cucumbers on her eyes] Yzma: This had better be good!
49
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: You're not just gonna let him die like that, are you? Kronk: My shoulder angel. Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Don't listen to that guy. He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness. I'm gonna lead you down the path that *rocks*. Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Oh, come off it. Kronk's Shoulder Devil: *You* come off it. Kronk's Shoulder Angel: You. Kronk's Shoulder Devil: You. Kronk's Shoulder Angel: You. Kronk's Shoulder Devil: You infinity. [Shoulder Angel grrs]
50
Pacha: What happened? Old Man: Well, I threw off the Emperor's groove. Pacha: What? Old Man: His groove! The rhythm in which he lives his life. His pattern of behavior. I threw it off. And the Emperor had me thrown out the window. Pacha: Oh, really? I'm supposed to see him today. Old Man: Don't throw off his groove! Pacha: Oh, okay. Old Man: Bewaaare, the grooove. Pacha: Hey, are you gonna be all right? Old Man: Grooove...
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