Robbie: Now let's cut the stupid cake because I know the fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again soon. And while we do that here's a little mood music for you.
Holly: You know who else I think is sexy? Robbie Hart. Glenn: You think the "Time To Make The Doughnuts" guy is sexy.
(1 vote)
4
Robbie: Are you drinking, too? Julia: No, it's Coca-Cola. Robbie: Are you sure? There's no rum in that Coca-Cola? Julia: I'm not a big drinker. And if it was, I'd probably be puking more than that kid! Robbie: Oh, I don't think anybody could puke more than than kid. I think I saw a boot come out of him.
(2 votes)
5
David 'Dave' Veltri: Little news flash, Pop. Ha. Harold ain't so perfect. Remember when we were in Puerto Rico and we picked up those two, uh... well, I guess they were prostitutes, but I don't remember paying.
6
Glenn: This is a great idea. I'm glad you came around. You want to do some gambling and have some fun right away, or you just want to get married?
7
Man: Hey, buddy, I'm not paying you to share your thoughts on life. I'm paying you to sing. Robbie: Well, I have a microphone, and you don't, so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!
8
Julia: Not porno tongue. Church tongue. Robbie: Church tongue, I like that.
9
Sammy: If you find somebody you can love, you can't let that get away.
10
Robbie: Hey. I kissed her, but it didn't mean anything, I just brought her the jacket. Glenn: Kissed who? Holly: Oh, me. Glenn: Who hasn't?
11
Andy: Oh, shit. I got water all over myself.
12
Robbie: You hit two cones back there. Those could have been pedestrians... they could have been people at her wedding! Sammy: [exasperated] They were CONES!
13
Robbie: No, I don't drink Glenn: Well I do, how about an "Alabama Slammer"? Glenn's buddy: Sounds like a plan. Robbie: Yeah, go ahead, have a few drinks and, you know, drive home.
14
Glenn: [after punching Robbie] You know, you should write a song about this. You could call it "I got hit in the nose for sticking my face in other people's business". Old man in bar: Sounds like a country song!
15
Robbie: [singing] I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad / Carry you around when your arthritis is bad / All I wanna do is grow old with you. / I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches / build you a fire if the furnace breaks / Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you. / I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold. / Need you, feed you, I'll even let you hold the remote control. / So let me do the dishes in the kitchen sink / Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink. / Oh I could be the man to grow old with you. / I wanna grow old with you.
16
Robbie: See? Billy Idol gets it!
17
[about woman] Old Man in Bar: They rip your heart out of your ass.
18
Rosie: [to Julia] : He wants to make money. You know - live in a nice house with wide windows and locks. You can't expect him to live forever with his sister and the nipple-twisting that goes on there.
19
Rosie: Are you nervous? Robbie: No, I've been around lots of weddings before, so I figure it won't be very different. Rosie: No, not about the wedding. About the wedding night. Will this be your first time with intercourse? Robbie: Uh... Rosie: Well, don't be ashamed. You know, when I got married, I wasn't a virgin. I'd already had intercourse with eight men. Robbie: Now, that's something I didn't wanna know about. Rosie: That was a lot back then; it'd be like two hundred today!
20
Robbie: [to Glenn] I don't even know your last name. Glenn: It's Gulia. Robbie: Gulia? Oh, so Julia's last name's gonna be Gulia. Julia Gulia! That's funny!
21
Robbie: Once again, Things that could have been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!
22
Glenn's Buddy: Robbie Hart? I heard what happened to you at your wedding, that was so cold! You must've felt like shit! Robbie: No it felt real good, thanks for bringing that up, man. Hey, my parents died when I was ten, would you like to talk about that? Glenn's Buddy: Why would I wanna talk about that? Robbie: I don't know
23
Julia: Hey, Glenn, do you mind if we switch seats so I sat in the window seat? Glenn: Mmm. I hate the aisle seat. Every time that drink cart comes by it bangs me in the elbows.
24
Robbie: Can I borrow your credit card? Sammy: You're gonna pay me back, right? Robbie: No. But if you don't give it to me, I'm gonna tell everyone what you said at the bar.
25
Robbie: We're living in a material world and I am a material girl... or boy.
26
[at a job interview for a bank] Mr. Simms: Do you have any experience? Robbie: No, sir, I have no experience but I'm a big fan of money. I like it, I use it, I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you come in.
27
Julia: I puked. Robbie: Okay. Don't worry. Julia: I vomited in my hair. Robbie: All right. Julia: Does my hair smell bad? [Robbie smells her hair] Robbie: No, it smells good, actually.
28
Robbie: Hey, the goofball brothers! Tyler: Is it true you're in the middle of a nervous breakdown? Robbie: What? No! Petey: Nervous breakdown! Nervous breakdown! Robbie: Who said that? Tyler: Everybody's been saying that. Robbie: Everybody? You're eight years old... the only people you know are your parents! Tyler: Is it true you're going to end up in a mental institution? Petey: Cuckoo's nest! Cuckoo's nest!
29
Robbie: Hey, psycho, we're not going to talk about this. It's over. Now get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.
30
Glenn: Who are you going out with? Holly: Robbie. Glenn: Oh good, that guy needs to get laid. Holly: Excuse me! Just because he's going out with me doesn't mean he's going to get laid. [Glenn and Julia look at her] Holly: ... All right, he probably will.
31
Holly: God, I love David Bowie. He is SO sexy. Glenn: You think the "time to make the donuts" guy is sexy. Robbie: Heh heh, that guy is funny.
32
Julia: May I ask what happened with Linda? Robbie: She wasn't the right one, I guess. Julia: Did you have any idea she wasn't the right one when you were together? Robbie: I should have. Uh, I remember we went to the Grand Canyon one time. We were flying there and I'd never been there before and Linda had, so you would think that she would give me the window seat but she didn't and... not that that's a big deal, you know. It's just there were a lot of little things like that. I know that sounds stupid... Julia: Not at all. I think it's the little things that count.
33
Holly: I mean, you know why she's marrying him, dont' you? Robbie: The money thing? Security? A nice house? I guess that's important to some people. Holly: No, it's not important to some people, Robbie. It's important to ALL people. Robbie: Really? Well, then I guess I'm in big trouble.
34
Andre: Hey, you know what you must do... relax; don't do it.
35
Glenn: Hey, asswipe, don't go snitching to Julia about this. I know you got a little crush on her, but you gotta face the facts: she'd rather go to bed with a REAL man. Not some poor singing orphan. Robbie: All right, shithead. I haven't been in a fight since I was in the fifth grade, but I beat the shit out of that kid, so now I'm going to beat the shit out of you. [Old guy throws a weak punch at Glenn and misses horribly] Robbie: Hey, what are you doing, man? Old Man in Bar: I'm sorry. I used to be much stronger.
36
Robbie: That's it, man, starting right now, me and you are going to be free and happy the rest of our lives! Sammy: I'm not happy. I'm miserable. Robbie: Wha - what? Sammy: See... I grew up idolizing guys like Fonzie and Vinnie Barbarino because they got a lot of chicks. You know what happened to Fonzie and Vinnie Barbarino? Robbie: Yeah, I read that Fonzie wants to be a director and Barbarino, I think... the mechanical bull movie? I didn't see it yet. Sammy: Their shows got canceled. Because no one wants to see a fifty-year-old guy hitting on chicks. Robbie: So what are you saying? Sammy: What I'm saying is all I really want is someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be all right. Old man in bar: [Comes up behind him and hugs him] Everything is going to be all right.
37
Kate: Come on, Andy! Move your ass! Andy: Hang on, hon! I'm watching Dallas! I think J.R. might be dead or something - they shot him!
38
Julia: You must be Linda. Linda: Yeah, that's me, Robbie's fiance. Who are you? Julia: I'm Julia Sullivan. Would you tell him that I came by to see him? Linda: Oh yeah, surely will, Jennifer. Julia: Hey, it's Julia - [Door slams]
39
Robbie: How did you know that Glenn was the right one? Julia: The right one... I always just envisioned the right one being someone I could see myself growing old with. Robbie: Yeah. Julia: And... Glenn would be a really good looking older man. Like Blake Carrington. Robbie: I'm gonna probably look like Buddy Hackett.
40
Robbie: Sleep it off, pal. All right. David 'Dave' Veltri: [drunk] Hey, you know, wedding singer... Aroooo! [trips and falls off the step]
41
Holly: Robbie, I have to talk to you! Robbie: I can't talk right now. Holly: Are you back with Linda? Robbie: No! Why? Who said that? Holly: Julia. She went to your house to tell you she was falling for you and Linda answered the door in her underwear! She was so upset, she and Glenn just jumped a plane to Vegas. Robbie: What do you mean? They're getting married tomorrow! Holly: Well, apparently that wasn't soon enough.
42
Robbie: [singing] She loves her/ but she loves this guy right here/ but she loves somebody else/ you just can win/ and so it goes until the day you die/ this thing called love is going to make you cry. I hate you/ I've had the blues/ From wretched pranks/ One thing's for sure. [Holds microphone to fat man] Fat Man: Love stinks? Robbie: Love stinks/ Yeah yeah [Holds microphone to fat man] Fat Man: Love stinks! Robbie: Love stinks/ Yeah, yeah [holds microphone to lady with sideburns] Lady with sideburns: Love stinks. Robbie: Love stinks. Yeah yeah. [holds microphone to table 9] Table 9: Love stinks. Robbie: Love stinks/ Yeah yeah. [Bride's father punches Robbie, Robbie falls back on a table. Bride's father jumps on him and pushes and pulls him] Robbie: Love stinks/ Love stinks/ LOVE STINKS!
43
Robbie: [light strums on guitar] You/ don't/ know/ how/ much/ I/ need you/ when/ you're/ near/ me/ I/ don't/ feel blue/ when/ we/ kiss/ I know/ you need/ me too/ can't/ believe/ I found/ a love/ quite/ so pure/ and true. [Goes to hard metal strums] Robbie: BUT IT ALL WAS BUUULSHIT/ IT WAS A GOD DAMN JOKE/ AND WHEN I THINK OF OL' LINDA/ I HOPE YOU FUCKING CHOKE/ [goes to light strums again] Robbie: / I/ think/ you're glad/ with what / you done/ to me/ I lay/ in bed/ all/ day long/ feeling/ melancholy/you've left/ me here/ all alone/ tears running constantly/ [goes to hard strums again] Robbie: SOMEBODY KILL ME PLEASE/SOMEBODY KILL ME PLEASE/ SOMEBODY PLEASE/ PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE/ KILL ME/ I WANT TO DIE/ PUT A BULLET IN MY HEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAD. Julia: I liked that. Jimmie Moore: He's losing his mind. And I'm reaping the benefits.
44
Petey: Hey Linda, you're a bitch. Robbie: Thanks Petey, go back into the house. He might have Tourette Syndrome. We're looking into it.
45
Robbie: You don't know how much I need you. / While you're near me, I don't feel blue / And when we kiss I know you need me to. / I can't believe I found a love that's so pure and true. But it all was bullshit. / It was a goddamn joke / And when I think of you, Linda / I hope you fucking choke. I hope you're glad with what you've done to me. / I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy. / You left me here, all alone, tears running constantly. / Oh would somebody kill me please? Somebody kill me please. / I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please / Kill me. / I want to die. / Put a bullet in my heeeeaaaad.
46
Robbie: How's this? If you talk about her ass again, I'll break your neck.
47
Sammy: Hey, how do I look? Robbie: I don't know, man. I would lose that glove. You look nuts.
48
Rosie: [rapping] I said hip hop, a hibbi to da hibbi da hip hip hoppin, ya don't stop-a rockin' to da bang bang boogie say up jump da boogie to da rhythm to da boogie da beat!
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