Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me. Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet. Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows. Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys. [a shocked Silent Bob stares at Jay] Jay: Dude, not all the time.
2
Bartleby: Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of sinning against our almighty God, and I promise you, you shall pay for your trespasses, in blood! [He rips open his shirt to reveal a silver breastplate] Bartleby: Wings, now. Loki: I'm feeling a little exposed here... Bartleby: DO IT!
3
Jay: I know they were just kids, but we kicked their pube-less asses!
4
Bartleby: We're going home. [Loki stares at him] Bartleby: Quit leering at me man, people are gonna think I just broke up with you.
5
Bartleby: I was close. You know, I was so close to slittin' that bitch's throat. You know how that felt? Righteous. Justified. Eager, even. Loki: You all right man? Your eyes are kinda... Bartleby: My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. See, in the beginning, it was just us and Him. Angels and God. Loki: Uh huh Bartleby: Then he created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship... and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us. He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or choose to ignore him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the Divine presence. And it's pained me... As I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way he made us. Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain. Like they do. But no! We're servants! Loki: Okay... You know, all I'm sayin' here, is one of us might need a little nap. Bartleby: [claps hands] Wake up! These humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given Paradise - they threw it away. They were given this planet - they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe he exists. And in spite of it all... He hath shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you... Once, to lay down the sword, because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise! Where was his infinite fucking patience then? It's not right! It's not fair! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time... Don't you think it's time we went home? And to do that... I... I think we may have to dispatch our-our would be dispatchers. Loki: Wait. Wait. Wait. Kill them? You're talking about the Last Scion for Chrissakes! And what about Jay and Bob? I mean... Those guys were all right. Bartleby: Don't. Don't my friend. See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you. They did me once. Scion or not, she's just a human. And by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven. No harm, no foul Loki: My God. I've heard a rant like this before Bartleby: What did you say? Loki: I've heard a rant like this before Bartleby: Don't you fuckin' do that to me Loki: You sound like the Morning Star Bartleby: You shut your fuckin' mouth! Loki: You do! You sound like Lucifer man! You fuckin' lost it! You're not talkin' about goin' home Bartleby, you're talkin' about fuckin' war on God. Well fuck that. I have seen what happens to the proud when then take on the throne. I'm goin' back to Wisconsin. Bartleby: [Bartleby violently throws Loki against a pillar in the parking garage] We're going home, Loki! And no one, not you, not even the Almighty himself, is gonna make that otherwise.
6
Azrael: Get me a ...Holy Bartender. Bartender: Never heard of it. Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse? Serendipity: Don't... Azrael: Ahh, anybody? No? [Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads] Azrael: Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... [Azrael pulls out an uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically] Azrael: Get it? Serendipity: [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael why? Rufus: Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead! Azrael: Now, now, apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you. [referring to Bethany]
7
Metatron: Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.
8
Metatron: Wax on, wax off.
9
Metatron: I am to charge you with a holy crusade. Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic. Metatron: Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey, and visit a small church on a very important day. Bethany: New Jersey? That doesn't sound like much of a crusade. Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it. Bethany: What's the fine print? Metatron: [mumbling into glass] Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence. Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that. Metatron: Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them.
10
Jay: What the shit is that?
11
Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on. Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this... Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like. Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work. Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires. Loki: I rained down sulphur, man, there's a subtle difference. Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Loki: Hey, you know, fuck you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer.
12
Bethany: McEnry is pretty far from Jersey, might I ask what brings you guys to Illinois? Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes. Bethany: "16 Candles" John Hughes? Jay: You know him too? That fucking guy. Made this flick "16 Candles" right? Not bad it's got tits in it, but no bush. Of course Ebert over here don't give a shit about that stuff cause he's all in love with this John Hughes guy and rents every one of his movies. Fucking "Breakfast Club" all these stupid kids actually show up to detention, fucking "Weird Science" where this one chick wants to take off her gear and get down, but aw, no she don't cause it's a PG movie, and then there's "Pretty In Pink" which I can't watch with this tubby muthafucker any more, because everytime we get to the part where the red head hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little eight-year-old with a skinned knee and shit. And nothing is worse then watching a fat man weep.
13
Jay: Heh, me lead you? Lady look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time!
14
Noman the Golgothan: Not born. SHIT into existence.
15
Metatron: [Describing why God doesn't talk to people directly] Were you to hear God's true voice, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode inside your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.
16
Azrael: Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. You know once Hell was nothing more than the absence of God. And if you had ever been in his presence, you would know that's punishment enough. But then, your kind came along, and made it SO MUCH WORSE. Bethany: Human beings aren't capable of 1/100 the evil a shitbag demon like you is. [spits on him] Azrael: Evil is an ABSTRACT! It's a HUMAN construct! But true to his irresponsible nature, Man won't own up to being it's engineer. So he chooses to blame his dark deeds on my ilk. But his selfishness is limitless. It wasn't enough just to shadow his own existence, he turned Hell into a SUFFERING PIT! Fire, wailing, darnkess! The kind of place ANYONE would do ANYTHING to get out of! And why? Because he lacks the ability to forgive himself! It is beyond your comprehension to do simple recompense for the sins you commit. No, you choose instead to invent a psycho-drama and dwell in foundless belief that God could never forgive your grievous offenses. So you bring your guilt and your inner decay with you to Hell where the hoards of thousands of gluttons for punishment infect the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived generations ago, begging to be punished. In doing so, he transformed Hell from cold and solitude to PAIN and MISERY! I've spent eons, privy to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the wail of the damned. I KNOW WHAT AFFECT such horrors have on the delicate psyche of an angelic being! [to Bethany] Azrael: Would you like a glimpse at Pain Eternal? LOOK! [Azrael places his hand over Bethany's eyes and for 10 seconds we see some of the most fucked up and disturbing imagery that can be crammed into 240 frames of film] Azrael: I'd rather not exist then go back to that. And if everybody has to go with me, so be it!
17
Nun: You don't believe in God because of Alice in Wonderland? Loki: No, "Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter" that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or... or with his tusk, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do... what do they do? They... They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensure the destruction of one's inner-being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions... by inhibiting our decisions, out of... out of fear of some... some intangible parent figure who... who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says... and says, "Do it - Do it and I'll fuckin' spank you. "
18
Rufus: Are you saying you believe? Bethany: No. But I have a good idea.
19
Jay: Get offa me. I wanna see what's up. What the fuck is this shit? Who the fuck are you, lady? Why the fuck did you hug my head? Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there? Jay: What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking? Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes. Jay: What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fuckin' nuts? What the fuck happened to that guy's head? I want some... [God kisses him on the cheek. Jay faints]
20
[Silent Bob hits Azrael in the chest with a blessed golf-club - his chest shatters, revealing black ooze] Azrael: But I'm a fuckin' demon.
21
Bethany: What's he like? Metatron: God? Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus. Bethany: Sex is a joke in heaven? Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.
22
Metatron: However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support. Bethany: What, more angels? Metatron: Prophets. Two of them. The one who speaks - and he will, at great lengths, whether you want him to or not - will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one... well, he's the quiet type, but he'll be helpful just the same.
23
Bethany: Then - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what are you doing hanging around? Jay: We're here to pick up chicks. Bethany: Excuse me? Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?
24
Bethany: What exactly brought you to Illinois? Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes. Bethany: "Sixteen Candles" John Hughes? Jay: You know that guy, too? See, all these movies take place in a small town called Shermer, in Illinois, where all the honies are top-shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies - except for Judd Nelson, he was fuckin' harsh - but best of all, there was no one dealin', man; then, it hits me: we could live like phat rats if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois. So we collected some money we were owed, and we caught a bus. You know what the fuck we found out when we got there? There is no Shermer in Illinois. Movies are fuckin' bullshit.
25
Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.
26
Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower. Jay: I can't wait to die.
27
Serendipity: Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake. I sit down in front of the typewriter, and what do I get? Nothing. Blank page. I can't even write a grocery list. Bethany: What about what you did with Jay and Silent Bob? You inspired them. Serendipity: That's the cosmic joke. I can give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.
28
[after throwing Bartleby and Loki off a train; a la Indiana Jones] Silent Bob: No ticket.
29
Metatron: You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?
30
Metatron: Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.
31
Loki: The last four days on Earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do that next best thing. Bartleby: What's that? Loki: Let's kill people. [Lady next to Loki spits out her coffee] Loki: [to lady] Oh, not you.
32
Serendipity: I have issues with anyone who treats faith as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith; you mourn it.
33
Jay: The whole fucking world's against us, dude, I swear to God.
34
[Bethany decides to accompany Jay and Silent Bob to New Jersey] Bethany: I want to go with you. Jay: What, steady?... OK, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent.
35
[Jay drives Bethany's car; the motor shrieks] Bethany: What gear are you in? Jay: "Gear"?
36
Metatron: Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. [Bethany sprays him with fire extinguisher] Metatron: [coughing] Fuck! Metatron: [emerging from smoke] Sweet Jesus! Do you have to use the whole can? Bethany: Who the FUCK are you, and what the FUCK are you doing in my room? Metatron: I'm soaked and she's surly, that's rich!
37
Serendipity: When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, and they never will because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains need to wake up.
38
[about Christ] Rufus: What He really hates is the shit that gets carried out in his name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism.
39
Loki: Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.
40
Bartleby: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You have been in his presence. He's spoken to you personally, and yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist. Loki: I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it. I just love to keep those guys on their toes.
41
Bartleby: You know, maybe you're wrong about this slaughter thing. How can you even be sure what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? Times change. I remember when eating meat on a Friday was supposed to be a Hell-worthy trespass. Loki: The major sins never change. Besides, you know, I can spot a commandment-breaker from, like, a mile away. So, bet on it. Bartleby: This from the guy who still owes me 10 bucks over that bet about what was gonna be the bigger movie - "E. T. " or "Krush Groove". Loki: You know, fuck you, man, 'cause time's gonna tell on that one. [brief pause] Loki: What, are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore? Bartleby: Insinuating, no. Flat-out telling you.
42
Serendipity: Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.
43
Bethany: You were martyred? Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by huge fucking rocks.
44
Jay: So what's up? You got a friend for Silent Bob, or are you just gonna do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds. Bethany: You're a man of principle.
45
Metatron: Tell a person that you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody is a theology scholar.
46
Bethany: You knew Jesus? Rufus: Knew him? Shit... Nigga owes me twelve bucks.
47
Bethany: Wait a minute. Christ. You know Christ? Rufus: Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks!
48
Loki: Never let it be said that your anal-retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results. Bartleby: You can't be anal-retentive if you don't have an anus. Loki: Outstanding work.
49
[Bethany and Rufus find Jay and Silent Bob at a strip club] Bethany: What are you doing? Jay: Proving to this bastard I ain't gay. Bethany: What? Rufus: Long story, forget it.
50
[about Azrael's neutrality in the Holy Conflict] Jay: What are you, some kind of fucking chicken? Azrael: No, I was an ARTIST, STUPID! I WAS INSPIRATION! A muse has no place in battle! Serendipity: So after the fallen were banished to hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons. [mockingly] Serendipity: Something he considers a GRAVE injustice! Azrael: Ah, come on! Don't tell me you NEVER questioned the judgement, Serendipity. Serendipity: No. It never bothered me. So you were an artist! Big deal! Elvis was an artist. But that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. And that's why he's The King, and you're a schmuck.
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