Archie Gates: You're scared, right? Conrad Vig: Maybe. Archie Gates: The way it works is, you do the thing you're scared shitless of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it. Conrad Vig: That's a dumbass way to work. It should be the other way around. Archie Gates: I know. That's the way it works.
(69 votes)
2
Archie Gates: What's the most important thing in life? Troy Barlow: Respect. Archie Gates: Too dependent on other people. Conrad Vig: What, love? Archie Gates: A little Disneyland, isn't it? Chief Elgin: God's will. Archie Gates: Close. Troy Barlow: What is it then? Archie Gates: Necessity. Troy Barlow: As in? Archie Gates: As in people do what is most necessary to them at any given moment.
(69 votes)
3
Archie Gates: Bush told the people to rise up against Saddam. They thought they'd have our support. They don't. Now they're getting slaughtered.
(68 votes)
4
[Walter's wearing night-vision goggles in broad daylight] Troy Barlow: Hey, would you take those fucking things off? Walter: I never got to use night-vision. Troy Barlow: They do not work during the day! Walter: Yeah, they kinda work.
(63 votes)
5
Archie Gates: No unnecessary shots, Conrad, 'cause we know what they do. Conrad Vig: Make infected pockets full of bile, sir. Archie Gates: That's right, Conrad, that's what they do.
(52 votes)
6
Troy Barlow: Walter, just stand outside so Chief can translate my Iraqi ass map... okay?
(4 votes)
7
[Maj. Gates knows a map has been found in one of an Iraqi soldier's orifices, but isn't sure which] Archie Gates: Good afternoon. Would this be the proctology tent? Chief Elgin: No, sir. Archie Gates: Maybe it's the urology tent. Or the neurology tent. Or the nose and throat tent. Troy Barlow: Captain's at a staff meeting, sir. Archie Gates: Captain of proctologists? Conrad Vig: What's a proctologist, sir?
(4 votes)
8
[Conrad retrieved a map from an Iraqi's soldier's butt] Sgt. Troy Barlow: Conrad, you've washed your hands like ten times. Conrad Vig: Lord knows what kind of vermin live in the butt of a Dune Coon. Chief Elgin: Why do you let this cracker hang around with you, man? Sgt. Troy Barlow: He's all right, man. He's from a group home in Dallas. He's got no high school. Conrad Vig: Don't tell people that. Chief Elgin: I don't care if he's from Johannesburg. I don't want to hear Dune Coon or Sand Nigger from him or anybody else. Conrad Vig: Captain uses those terms. Sgt. Troy Barlow: That's not the point, Conrad. The point is that Towel Head and Camel Jockey are perfectly good substitutes. Chief Elgin: Exactly!
(3 votes)
9
Archie Gates: Sit down. What do you see here? Chief Elgin: Bunkers, sir. Archie Gates: What's in them? Troy Barlow: Stuff they stole from Kuwait. Archie Gates: Bullshit. I'm talking about millions in Kuwaiti bullion. Conrad Vig: You mean them little cubes you put in hot water to make soup? Archie Gates: No, not the little cubes you put in hot water to make soup.
10
Troy Barlow: Are we shooting? Soldier: What? Troy Barlow: Are we shooting people or what? Soldier: Are we shooting? Troy Barlow: That's what I'm asking you! Soldier: What's the answer? Troy Barlow: I don't know the answer! That's what I'm trying to find out!
11
Troy Barlow: I'm gonna buy a set of Lexus convertibles in every color. Chief Elgin: I told you, Lexus don't make a convertible. Troy Barlow: I'll bet you a Lexus they do. Chief Elgin: Alright, but it won't be a convertible.
12
Archie Gates: Any questions? Conrad Vig: Yeah, is it true to be special forces, you gotta cut off an enemy's ear? Archie Gates: [to Troy Barlow] Are you able to control him? Troy Barlow: Yes, sir. He'll be fine, I promise.
13
[after seeing that Chief can't throw a football straight] Conrad Vig: Blacks make better receivers than quarterbacks. Troy Barlow: Stop speaking right now, Conrad!
14
Cathy: Oh look at you Adriana, look at what's become of you. Adriana Cruz: Yeah look at me, I've got my clothes on - I'm dressed!
15
Adriana Cruz: Are you ready to work with me now? Archie Gates: Yeah, I'm ready to work with you. Adriana Cruz: Good, 'cause I've got an amazing lead. Archie Gates: It was in the guy's ass. Camp soldier: That's not the real story. Adriana Cruz: What's the real story? Camp soldier: It was in the guy's dick, they had to pull it out with a pair of tweezers. Adriana Cruz: A ten-page atlas of Saddam's bunkers? Camp soldier: Yeah, only real small, like those books you get in a box of Cracker Jacks.
16
Conrad Vig: One gold Rolex would get me a very nice split-level house outside of Garland. Troy Barlow: Five Rolexes would get my family that Lexus convertible. Chief Elgin: I told you, Lexus doesn't make a convertible. Troy Barlow: Yes they do, it has room in the back for a kid's seat. Chief Elgin: Infiniti has a convertible but not Lexus. Troy Barlow: Wrong. Chief Elgin: Either way, the Good Lord has put this map in our path and I believe we're gonna find something. Troy Barlow: Yeah, he could also put a land mine in our path if we go out there.
17
Conrad Vig: Man... I didn't join the army to pull paper our of people's asses
18
Conrad Vig: We three kings be stealin' the gold...
19
Troy Barlow: Let's just stick to the plan. The plan is for the gold, right? Chief Elgin: Hold on, we can help these people first, and then we can be on our way.
20
Archie Gates: That's what makes S.F. so badass, we got the best flashlights.
21
Conrad Vig: [pointing a machine gun at Iraqi soldiers] Don't make me smoke your ass, Abdul!
22
Troy Barlow: Hey, I don't know if I can do this. I got a family. If I'm gonna shit in a bag for the rest of my life because I got shot after the war was over, that would pretty fucking stupid wouldn't it, Major?
23
Amir Abdullah: You know what I think? You're stealing gold, that's what I think. We're fighting Saddam and dying, and you're stealing gold. Archie Gates: You're wrong. Amir Abdullah: They have half a million men in the desert and they send four guys to pick up all this bullion? I don't think so.
24
Archie Gates: [to Col. Horn, about the Gulf War] Just tell me what we did here!
25
Conrad Vig: Kaboom! Y'all see that cow's head shoot up? It's like a cartoon! It's fuckin' crazy!
26
Conrad Vig: Didn't think I'd get to see anybody get shot in this war.
27
Archie Gates: You know you're on the path to truth when you smell shit, isn't that what they say?
28
Archie Gates: Load the people into the Humvee! Troy Barlow: There's no room! Archie Gates: Make room! Troy Barlow: Whatever happened to necessity? Archie Gates: It just changed!
29
Troy Barlow: We'll I'm gonna be wearing some fashionable Kevlar. Conrad Vig: Yeah, me too.
30
Col. Horn: You are all under arrest, you're getting court-martialed and you're gonna show us that bullion.
31
Archie Gates: You know anything about gunshot wounds? Conrad Vig: I don't know. Archie Gates: Specifically, the worst thing about a gunshot wound, provided you survive the bullet, is something called sepsis. Chief Elgin: Infection of the blood... Archie Gates: That's right. Say a bullet tears into your gut. It creates a cavity in the dead tissue. That cavity fills up with bile, and bacteria, and you're fucked.
32
Sgt. Troy Barlow: Great! A fuckin' tank! That should send us on our way.
33
Adriana Cruz: I don't want him walking away from me, going to other reporters, and giving away my stories. Archie Gates: What stories? You don't have any stories. Adriana Cruz: You don't fuckin' tell people that.
34
Walter: [Holding his sidearm at Adriana Cruz stealing his FAV] Ma'am, STEP AWAY FROM THE CHENOWTH! [Adriana Drives Off] Walter: Ma'am! OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE STOP!
35
Capt. Said: What is the problem with Michael Jackson?
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