Cop: You know why I pulled you over? Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me! Cop: Why don't we just take it from the top? Fletcher: Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and *speeding*! Cop: Is that all? Fletcher: No... I have unpaid parking tickets. [groans] Fletcher: ...be gentle.
(37 votes)
2
Fletcher: [having farted in an elevator] It was me!
(34 votes)
3
[after sex] Miranda: Ummm that was incredible. Was it good for you? Fletcher: I've had better.
(30 votes)
4
Fletcher: [having been charged a huge amount to get his car back. He reaches for an air freshener] I'm taking this!
(29 votes)
5
Fletcher: You scratched my car! Motorpool Guy: Where? Fletcher: [indicating with his hands] Right there! Motorpool Guy: OH... That was already there. Fletcher: You - -LIAR! You know what I am going to do about this? Motorpool Guy: what? Fletcher: Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain 8 hours out of my life and you probably won't show up and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway; so what I am going to do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe! Motorpool Guy: [tossing the keys to Fletcher] You've been here before haven't ya?
(28 votes)
6
Greta: He knocked over another ATM. This time at knife point. He needs your legal advice. Fletcher: [picking up phone and shouting] Stop breaking the law, asshole!
(6 votes)
7
Bum: Sir, can you spare a little change? Fletcher: Yes I could. Bum: Well, will you? Fletcher: No. Bum: Why not? Fletcher: Because I believe you will buy booze with it. I just want to get from the car to my office without being confronted by the decay of western society. Plus I'm cheap.
(4 votes)
8
Receptionist: Do you like my new dress? Fletcher: What ever takes the focus off your head!
(4 votes)
9
Max Reede: I wish, for just one day, Dad couldn't tell a lie.
(3 votes)
10
Guy in the Washroom: What the hell are you doing? Fletcher: I'm kicking my ass! Do you mind?
(2 votes)
11
Fletcher: Greta, please! I'm on my knees in a $900 suit.
(3 votes)
12
Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, I'm tired and very cranky!
13
Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, do we have a setlement? Fletcher: Noooo!
14
Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt! Fletcher: I hold *myself* in contempt! Why should you be any different?
15
Max Reede: Is wrestling real? Fletcher: In the Olympics, yes. On channel 23, no.
16
Fletcher: You don't believe me, do ya? Greta: Of course not. Fletcher: How ironic!
17
Fletcher: The pen is blue, the pen is blue, the goddamn pen is blue!
18
Max Reede: If I keep making this face... will it get stuck that way? Fletcher: Uh uh. As a matter of fact, some people make a very good living that way.
19
Fletcher: Your honor, I object! Judge: Why? Fletcher: Because it's devastating to my case! Judge: Overruled. Fletcher: Good call!
20
Office Worker: Hey, Fletcher, how's it hanging? Fletcher: [groans] Short, shriveled, and always to the left.
21
Fletcher: You brought your kids to your court hearing? Samantha: Sympathy. Fletcher: Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already!
22
Fletcher: I'm so glad my gift could bring them closer together. My plan to phase myself out is almost complete!
23
Greta: Mr. Reede, several years ago a friend of mine had a burglar on her roof, a burglar. He fell through the kitchen skylight, landed on a cutting board, on a butcher's knife, cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend, he sued my friend. And because of guys like you *he won*. My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice? Fletcher: No! [Greta looks pleased, but then Fletcher continues] Fletcher: I'd have got him ten. [Greta stalks off, appalled]
24
Max Reede: My dad? He's... a liar. Teacher: A liar? I'm sure you don't mean a liar. Max Reede: Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge. Teacher: Oh, you mean he's a lawyer.
25
Fletcher: Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support raising his children - They are his? Samantha: Oh yeah. One for sure. Fletcher: After all that, your husband wants to deny you a fair and equitable share of the marital assets based on one single act of indiscretion. Samantha: Seven. Fletcher: Beg your pardon? Samantha: Seven single acts of indiscretion. Fletcher: SEVEN! acts of indiscretion, only one of which he has any evidence and all of which he himself is responsible for.
26
Max Reede: My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside. Fletcher: That's just something ugly people say.
27
Fletcher: Why don't you go play in the office a minute. Sue someone for everything they've got. Maybe you send a fax to one of your girlfriends!
28
Jerry: I love you! Audrey: Thank you Jerry: Well, that's wasn't exactly the answer I was hoping for... Audrey: Thank you very much?
29
Audrey: Where were you? Fletcher: Having sex. Audrey: Well, I hope it was with someone *very* special!
30
Dana: He's badgering the witness! Judge Stevens: It's his witness!
31
Driver: What's your problem, Schmuck! Fletcher: I'm an inconsiderate prick!
32
Fletcher: Jerry, enjoy my wife.
33
Fletcher: I was hoping after being married to me you'd have no more strength left. Audrey: Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were.
34
Gretta: And your ex-wife called, she wants to know when you're coming to pick up your son. Fletcher: Oh, I'm such a shit!
35
Fletcher: Weight, 105. Yeah, in your bra! Dana: Your Honor, I object! Fletcher: You would! Dana: BASTARD! Fletcher: HAG! Judge Stevens: QUIET!
36
Fletcher: You lied about your age to make yourself older, but why would any woman WANNA DO THAT? Samantha: I changed it so I could get married. Fletcher: AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!
37
Miranda: [coming up behind Fletcher] Fletcher. Fletcher: [shouts] Holy hell!
38
Max Reede: Look, Jerry, Dad got me baseball stuff! Jerry: [to Max] Cool! [to Fletcher] Jerry: Great gift, Dad! Fletcher: [to Jerry] Thanks, son!
39
Fletcher: The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant.
40
[about Mr. Allen] Miranda: Well, what do you think of him? Fletcher: He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking. [a moment passes and Mr. Allen starts laughing. The other board members follow his lead and start laughing also] Mr. Allen: That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast. Do Simmons. Fletcher: Simmons is old. He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife. You've met her at the Christmas parties, she's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard, and you, Tom; you're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen. You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins. Mr. Allen: [roaring with laughter] Priceless! [Fletcher continues with every member] Fletcher: You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! *Slut*! Mr. Allen: I like your style, Reede! That's just what this stuffy company needs - a little irreverence! Fletcher: Good! I'll see you later, dick-head!
41
Police Officer: I found him like this in the bathroom, your honor. Somebody beat the hell out of him! Judge: Who did this? Fletcher: A mad man, your honor, a desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope. Judge: What did he look like? Fletcher: About 6'2", 180lbs. big teeth, kinda gangly.
42
[while hearing Mrs. Cole having sex on an audio cassette] Fletcher: Oh, come on! Your honor, how can it be proved that the male voice on that tape is not Mr. Cole himself? Samantha: [voice on tape] You are such a better lover than my husband!
43
Busty Woman on Elevator: Everybody's been real nice. Fletcher: Well, that's because you've got big jugs. I mean your boobs are huge. I mean, I wanna squeeze 'em. Mama! [puckers up]
44
Judge Stevens: How are we this morning, Counselor? Dana: Fine, thank you. Judge Stevens: And how about you, Mr. Reede? Fletcher: I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night. [Shocked pause] Judge Stevens: Well, you're young. It'll happen more and more. In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business?
45
Judge Stevens: It is only out of sheer morbid curiosity that I am allowing this freak show to continue.
46
[the lights turn on after Max makes a wish and blows out the candles] Max Reede: Mom? Dad? [Audrey and Fletcher are kissing] Fletcher: MAX? Did you wish for your mom and I to get back together again? Max Reede: No. I wished for rollerblades! Audrey: Uh... wanna cut the cake... Dad? Fletcher: I would love to... but I have this horrible pain in my arm... Audrey: Oh no... run ITS THE CLAW! Fletcher: NOTHING CAN STOP THE CLAWWWW!
47
[the court erupts] Judge Stevens: Order! Order! ORDER! Fletcher: [to crowd] Knock it off! Judge Stevens: SIT DOWN!
48
[Fletcher is on the phone with his mother] Fletcher: [listens for a moment] Because I didn't want to talk to you! [pauses, listening] Fletcher: Because you insist on talking about Dad's bowel movements; size, color, frequency, I"LL CALL YA LATER!
49
Fletcher: Your honor, would the court be willing to grant me a short bathroom break? Judge: Can't it wait? Fletcher: Yes it can. But I've heard that if you hold it you could damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult to get an erection, or even become aroused! Judge: Is that true? Fletcher: It has to be! Judge: In that case I'd better take a quick break myself.
50
[one of the outtakes at the end of the film] Dana: Your honor, I object! Fletcher: You would! Dana: OVERACTOR! Fletcher: Jezebel... [entire courtroom falls about laughing] Fletcher: Oh no, they're on to me...
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