Hercules: Meg, when I'm with you, I-I don't feel so alone. Meg: Sometimes it's better to be alone. Hercules: What do you mean? Meg: Nobody can hurt you.
2
Panic: He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there. Pain: You mean, *if* he gets outta there. Panic: If? If is good.
3
Hercules: You like making deals. Take me in Meg's place. Hades: Oh, hmph. The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death. Hercules: Going once! Hades: Hmm? Is there a downside to this? Hercules: Going twice! Hades: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay! You get her out. She goes, you stay. [Hercules dives in to save Megera] Hades: Oh, you know what slipped my mind? You'll be dead before you can get to her. That's not a problem, is it?
4
Hades: How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat!
5
Hercules: Wow. What a day. First that restaurant by the bay. And then that, that play, that, that, that Oedipus thing. Man! I thought *I* had problems.
6
Meg: He comes on with his big, innocent farm boy routine, but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute.
7
Meg: Is Wonderboy here for real? Phil: What are you talkin' about? Of course he's real. Whoa! And by the way, sweet cheeks, I'm real too.
8
Phil: I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yeuseus".
9
Meg: You know how men are. They think "No" means "Yes" and "Get lost" means "Take me. I'm yours."
10
[after almost getting knocked down by a chariot (c.f. Midnight Cowboy (1969))] Phil: Hey, I'm *walkin'* here!
11
Panic: Hercules. Why does that name ring a bell? Pain: I don't know. Um, maybe we owe him money?
12
Hades: So you took care of him, huh? Dead as a doornail. Weren't those your *exact* words? Pain: This might be a different Hercules. Panic: Yeah! I mean, Hercules is a very popular name nowadays! Pain: Remember, like, a few years ago, every other boy was named Jason, and the girls were all named Brittany?
13
Hercules: I didn't know that playing hookey could be so much fun. Meg: Yeah, neither did I.
14
Hercules: Aren't you, a damsel in distress? Meg: I'm a damsel. I'm in distress. I can handle this. Have a nice day.
15
Hades: We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What do you say? Come on.
16
Meg: Thanks for everything, Herc. It's been a real slice.
17
Meg: I'm a big tough girl. I tie my own sandals and everything.
18
Meg: Megara. My friends call me Meg. At least they would if I had any friends. So did they give you a name along with all those rippling pectorals?
19
Hercules: But, Father, I've defeated every single monster I've come up against. I-I'm... I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm... I-I'm an action figure!
20
Hades: It's a small underworld, after all, huh?
21
Hades: Zeusy, I'm home!
22
Hercules: People are... are gonna get hurt, aren't they? Hades: Nah! I mean, it's, you know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause, you know, it's war, but what can I tell ya. Anyway, what do you owe these people, huh?
23
Hercules: You know, wh-when I was a kid, I-I would have given anything to be exactly like everybody else. Meg: You wanted to be petty and dishonest? Hercules: Everybody's not like that. Meg: Yes, they are. Hercules: You're not like that. Meg: How do you know what I'm like?
24
Hades: So is this an audience or a mosaic?
25
Zeus: So, Hades, you finally made it. How are things in the underworld? Hades: Well, they're just fine. You know, a little dark, a little gloomy. And, as always, hey, full of dead people. What are you gonna do?
26
Hades: Memo to me, memo to me: maim you after my meeting.
27
Hades: I'm sorry. You mind runnin' that by me again? I must have had a chunk of brimstone wedged in my ear or something. Meg: Then read my lips! Forget it! Hades: Meg, Meg, Meg, my sweet deluded little mignon. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but ever so crucial little, tiny detail? [Hades explodes into flames] Hades: [shouts] I own you!
28
Hades: He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing. For the Trojans, hey. They bet on the wrong horse, okay?
29
Hades: I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him, and it doesn't even... [Hades notices Pain is wearing Air-Hercs] Hades: What... are... *those*? Pain: Um, I don't know. I-I thought they looked kinda dashing. Hades: I've got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, and *you* are [shouts] Hades: wearing his merchandise? [Hades almost blows up in front of Pain, but stops to see Panic drinking a Hercules drink] Panic: [chuckling nervously] Thirsty?
30
Hades: Uh, guys? Olympus would be that way.
31
Hades: Uh, guys? [pointing over his shoulder] Hades: Mt. Olympus is that way.
32
Hercules: [realizing that the hydra now has umpteen heads] Phil: Will you quit with the head-slicing thing?
33
Hercules: Excuse me. It seems to me that what you need is a hero. Tall Thebian: Yeah? And who are you? Hercules: I'm Hercules, and I happen to be... a hero. [All laugh] Elderly Thebian: Is that so? Ever save a town before? Hercules: Well... no, not exactly. Tall Thebian: Have you ever reversed a natural disaster? Hercules: Um... no. Tall Thebian: Will you listen to this? He's just another chariot chaser. This we need.
34
Phil: [singing] So you wanna be a hero, kid? Well, whoop-dee-do! / I've been around the block before with blockheads just like you / Each and every one a dissapointment / Pain for which there ain't no ointment / So much for excuses / Thou' a kid of Zeus is / Asking me to jump into the fray / My answer is two words... [Hit by lightning] Phil: Okay!
35
Hades: Name's Hades, Lord of the dead. Hi, how ya doin'?
36
Meg: Think your nanny goat would go berserk if you played hooky this afternoon? Hercules: Oh gee, I don't know. Phil has the rest of the day pretty much booked. Meg: Aw, Phil, Schmil. Just follow me, out the window, round the dumbells, you lift up the back wall and we're gone.
37
Hades: We were so close! So close. We tripped at the finish line. Why? Because our little nut Meg has to go all noble.
38
Hermes: My lord and lady, the Titans have escaped. And they're practically at our gates! Zeus: Sound the alarm! Launch an immediate counterattack! Go! Go! Hermes: Gone, babe.
39
Calliope: We are the muses, goddesses of the arts and proclaimers of heroes. Terpsichore: Heroes like Hercules. Thalia: Honey, you mean "Hunk-ules."
40
Hades: Ah! There's the little sunspot. Little snootchie. And here is a sucker for the little sucker. Eh? Here you go. You just... [Baby Hercules squeezes Hades' finger too tightly] Hades: Sheesh! Uh, powerful little tyke.
41
Zeus: You ought to slow down. You'll work yourself to death. Hah! Work yourself to death! [all laugh] Zeus: Oh, I kill myself! Hades: [to himself] If only. If only.
42
Hermes: Fabulous party. You know, I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself.
43
Narrator: Long ago, in the faraway land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules. But what is the measure of a true hero? Ah, that is what our story is... Thalia: Will you listen to him? He's makin' the story sound like some Greek tragedy. Terpsichore: Lighten up, dude. Calliope: We'll take it from here, darling. Narrator: You go, girl.
44
[Hermes gives a bouquet of flowers to Hera] Hera; Hercules' Mother: Why, Hermes, they're lovely. Hermes: Yeah, you know, I had Orpheus do the arrangement. Isn't that too nutty?
45
Hades: Ladies! Hah. I am so sorry that I'm... The Fates, The Fates, The Fates: Late. The Fates: We knew you would be. The Fates: We know everything. The Fates: Past. The Fates: Present. The Fates: And future. The Fates: [aside, to Pain] Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big.
46
Phil: What's the matter? You never seen a satyr before? Young Hercules: Uh, no. Can you help us? We're looking for someone called Philoctetes. Phil: Call me Phil.
47
Phil: And then there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all, the build, the foot speed. He could jab. He could take a hit. He could keep on comin'. But that furshlugginer heel of his! He barely gets nicked there once and kaboom! He's history.
48
Phil: [training Hercules in knife-throwing] Rule number 95, kid: concentrate! [Hercules misses the targets and pins Phil against the wall with his knives] Phil: Rule number 96: aim!
49
Hercules: Uh, uh, uh, I'm, um, uh, uh, uh... Meg: Are you always this articulate?
50
Hercules: Hercules. My... My name is Hercules. Meg: Herc... huh. I think I prefer Wonderboy.
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