Alyssa: Why are we stopping? Holden: Because I can't take this. Alyssa: Can't take what? Holden: I love you. Alyssa: You love me? Holden: I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know... I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.
(58 votes)
2
Silent Bob: But, by the time I figured this all out, it was too late; she moved on. And all I had to show for it was some foolish pride which then gave way to regret. She was the girl. I know that now. But, I pushed her away. So I've spent everyday since then chasing Amy. So to speak.
(54 votes)
3
Silent Bob: [to Holden, who has just revealed his trouble with Alyssa] You're Chasing Amy. Holden: [Shocked that Silent Bob has broken his Silence] What? What did you say? Silent Bob: You're Chasing Amy. Jay: What do you look so shocked for, man, fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks just cause he doesn't say anything, it'll have this huge impact when he does open his fuckin' mouth... Silent Bob: Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? You're always yap-yap-yappin' all the time, you're givin' me a fuckin' headache. [to Holden] Silent Bob: I went through something like what you're talkin' 'bout, 'couple years ago, this chick named Amy. Jay: When? Silent Bob: [annoyed] A couple of years ago?
(46 votes)
4
Hooper: Check this shit. You got cracker farm boy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy, blond hair, blue eyes. And then you got Darth Vader, the blackest brother in the galaxy, Nubian god! Banky Edwards: What's a "Nubian"? Hooper: Shut the fuck up!
(46 votes)
5
Hooper: For years in this industry, whenever an African American character, hero or villain, was introduced - usually by white artists and writers - they got slapped with racist names that singled them out as Negroes. Now, my book, "White-Hating Coon," don't have none of that bullshit. The hero's name is Maleekwa, and he's descended from the black tribe that established the first society on the planet, while all you European motherfuckers were hiding out in caves and shit, all terrified of the sun. He's a strong role model that a young black reader can look up to. Cause I'm here to tell you, the chickens is coming home to roost, y'all. The black man's no longer gonna play the minstrel in the realm of comics and sci-fi fantasy. We keepin it real, and we gonna get respect by any means necessary. Holden: Ah, come on, that's a bunch of horse shit! Lando Calrissian was a black guy. You know, and he got to fly the Millennium Falcon, what's the matter with you? Hooper: Who said that? Holden: I did! Lando Calrissian is a strong role-model in the realm of science fiction/fantasy. Hooper: Fuck Lando Calrissian! Uncle-Tom nigger!
(46 votes)
6
Banky Edwards: What is it about this girl man, you know you have no shot at getting her into bed so why do you even bother wasting time with her, because you're Holden fucking McNeil, the most persistent traveler on the road that's not the path of least resistance, everything has to be a fucking challenge for you and this little relationship with that BITCH is a prime example of your fucking condition, Well I don't need a magic 8-ball to look into your future, you want a forecast here, will Holden ever fuck Alyssa?, oh what a shock, NOT FUCKING LIKELY. This relationship is affecting you, our work and our friendship and the time is going to come when I throw down the gauntlet and say it's me or her then what are you going to say? Holden: I think you should let this one go Banky Edwards: No what would you say, would you trash 20 years of fucking friendship because you got some idiotic notion that this chick will let you sniff her panties, let alone fuck her Holden: Look fucking asshole, I'm telling you let it go, ok! Banky Edwards: What the fuck man, what the fuck makes this bitch all that important Holden: Because I'm fucking in love with her man, OK!
(8 votes)
7
Banky Edwards: I feel a hate crime coming on.
(6 votes)
8
Banky Edwards: All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'.
(6 votes)
9
Banky Edwards: Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, OK? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, OK? Are you following? Holden: Yeah. Banky Edwards: Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy to get along with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as fuck, agenda of rage, bitter dyke. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? Holden: What is this supposed to prove? Banky Edwards: No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny? Holden: The man-hating dyke. Banky Edwards: Good. Why? Holden: I don't know. Banky Edwards: Because the other three are figments of your fucking imagination!
(3 votes)
10
Alyssa: Fuck you. Banky Edwards: Not even if you let me tape it
(2 votes)
11
Alyssa: Let me ask you something. Can men fuck each other? Banky Edwards: What, are you asking for my permission? Alyssa: In your estimation. Banky Edwards: Yeah, sure. Alyssa: So for you, to fuck means to penetrate. You're used to the more traditional definition. You, inside some girl you duped, jackhammering away, not noticing the bored look in her eyes. Banky Edwards: Hey, I always notice the bored look in their eyes.
(2 votes)
12
Alyssa: I love you, I always will. Know that. But I'm not your fucking whore.
(2 votes)
13
Jay: So why the long face, Horse? Banky on the rag? Holden: I'm just, ahh... just havin' a little girl trouble. Jay: Bitch pressin' charges? I get that a lot.
(2 votes)
14
Holden: So, uh, what do you wanna do tonight? Banky Edwards: I dunno. Get a pizza, watch "Degrassi Jr. High". Holden: You got a weird thing for Canadian melodrama. Banky Edwards: I got a weird thing for girls who say, "Aboot."
(2 votes)
15
Banky Edwards: [to Alyssa] Since you like chicks, right, do you just look at yourself naked in the mirror all the time?
(2 votes)
16
Alyssa: Are you an authorized dealmaker in this establishment? Do you have the power to negotiate?
(3 votes)
17
[Alyssa on the phone with Holden after she paged him] Alyssa: One minute and five seconds; you are such my bitch.
(2 votes)
18
Cashier: You wanna haggle over the price of your French Dip?
(4 votes)
19
Banky Edwards: This is all going to end badly.
(2 votes)
20
Silent Bob: Bitch, what you don't know about me I can just about squeeze in the Grand fucking Canyon. Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?
(2 votes)
21
Banky Edwards: Archie is *not* fucking Mr. Weatherbee!
22
Jay: Jedi bitch.
23
[on his lovemaking approach] Banky Edwards: Like CNN and the Weather Channel: constant updates.
24
Alyssa: So, you've never been curious about men? Holden: Curious about men? Well, I always wondered why my father watched Hee Haw.
25
Banky Edwards: Now THAT, my friend, is a shared moment.
26
Alyssa: You know, I didn't just heed what I was taught, men and women should be together, it's the natural way, that kind of thing. I'm not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. The way the world is, how seldom it is that you meet that one person who just *gets* you - it's so rare. My parents didn't really have it. There were no examples set for me in the world of male-female relationships. And to cut oneself off from finding that person, to immediately halve your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender, that just seemed stupid to me. So I didn't. But then you came along. You, the one least likely. I mean, you were a guy. Holden: Still am. Alyssa: And while I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, because you *were* a guy. Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who'd complement me so completely. So here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you. And I feel justified lying in your arms, 'cause I got here on my own terms, and I have no question there was some place I didn't look. And for me that makes all the difference.
27
Holden: It's not who you love, it's how.
28
Banky Edwards: I just have to get something. [Pulls out a huge stack of porno books] Holden: Oh my God. Who are you, Larry fucking Flynt? What are you going to do with all of those? Banky Edwards: Read the articles. What do you think I'm going to do with them? They're stroke books, stupid! Holden: You've got like thirty books there! We're only going to be gone for two days! Banky Edwards: Variety's the spice of life. I like a wide selection. Sometimes I'm in the mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I like them arty and air-brushed. Sometimes it's a spread brown-eye kind of night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl time. Sometimes a steamy letter will do it, sometimes - not often, but sometimes - I like the idea of a chick with a horse.
29
Holden: How do you manage to get away with this all the time? I mean, shouldn't the cops be busting your head open right about now? Banky Edwards: Wrong coast.
30
Hooper: I need to sell the image to sell the book. I mean, would the audience still buy the whole black rage angle if they found out the book was written by a... you know... Banky Edwards: Faggot? Hooper: When you say it, it sounds so sexy. [kisses Banky]
31
[while autographing a comic for a young fan, Hooper points at Holden] Hooper: See that man over there? He the Devil! Never take your eye off the man.
32
Hooper: Honey, don't give me that "all for one" shit. I got to deal with being a minority in a minority of a minority, and nobody supports my ass.
33
Hooper: All the boys need to feel like they're Marco Fucking Polo when it comes to sex.
34
Holden: If this is a crush, I don't think I could take it if the real thing ever happened.
35
Hooper: Archie was the bitch and Jughead was the butch. That's why he was always going around wearing that crown-looking hat... he was the king of queen Archie's world.
36
Jay: You gotta boil it down to the essentials. It's like Cube says, "Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money."
37
Banky Edwards: What difference does it make if I refer to her as a dyke? Or if I call the Whalers a bunch of faggots in the comfort of my own office, far from the sensitive ears of the rest of the world?
38
Holden: Yeah, well I've had my finger up my ass but I wouldn't say I've had anal sex.
39
Banky Edwards: I'm going to prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that Archie is all about pussy.
40
Banky Edwards: Holden! Holden: What? Banky Edwards: Let's go! Holden: See that dent in the hood of your car? Banky Edwards: [looks outside] Son of a bitch!
41
Holden: Look, man, we miss this train, and I am gonna shitcan you and just hire Charles Schulz.
42
Banky Edwards: Everyone has an agenda. Everyone.
43
Hooper: And Jedi's the most insulting installment. Because Vader's beautiful black visage is sullied when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty, old white man! They tryin' to tell us that deep inside we all wants to be white! Banky Edwards: Well, isn't that true?
44
[About: Banky's argument with his grade school religion teacher] Alyssa: How bad could it have been? Holden: Put it this way: have you ever heard a nun call an eight year-old boy a fucking cunt rag?
45
Silent Bob: [to Holden] So there's me an' Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then about four months in, I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Dumb move, I know, but you know how it is - you don't really want to know, but you just have to... stupid guy bullshit. Anyway she starts telling me all about him - how they dated for years, lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she tells me that a couple times, he brought other people to bed with them - ménage a tois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind. I mean, I'm not used to that sort of thing, right? I was raised Catholic. Jay: Saint Shithead. [Silent Bob backhands him. Jay raises his fist as if to strike] Silent Bob: Do something. Silent Bob: [to Holden] So I get weirded out, and just start blasting her, right? This is the only way I can deal with it - by calling her a slut, and telling her that she was used - I mean, I'm out for blood I want to hurt her - because I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling. And I'm like "What the fuck is wrong with you?" and she's telling me that it was that time, in that place, and she didn't do anything wrong, so she's not gonna apologize. So I tell her it's over, and I walk. Jay: Fucking-A. Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level or never be enough for her or something. And what I didn't get was that she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was looking for me, for the Bob. But by the time I realized this, it was too late, you know. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away... [Silent Bob lights a cigarette] Silent Bob: So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy... [takes a drag from his smoke] Silent Bob: So to speak.
46
Jay: [to Holden] Bitch tasted life, yo, now she's settlin' for your boring, funny-book-makin' ass.
47
Banky Edwards: I'm telling you that chick is probably a bigger germ farm than that monkey in Outbreak
48
Banky Edwards: Bring on the free hooch!
49
Alyssa: Since most of these people are cheering for the home team, I'm going to root for the visitors. I'm a big visitors fan. Especially the kind that make coffee in the morning before they leave!
50
Holden: Sorry about him, he's dealing with being an inker. Alyssa: Oh... you trace.
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