Shooter McGavin: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast. Happy Gilmore: [laughing] you eat pieces of shit for breakfast? Shooter McGavin: No... I...
(58 votes)
2
Shooter McGavin: Just stay out of my way or you'll pay, listen to what I say. Happy Gilmore: Hey, why don't I just got and eat some hay. I can lay by the bay, make things out of clay, I just may, what'd ya say?
(53 votes)
3
[Happy Gilmore cheers and uses a golf club to do bull dance] Gary Potter: [to his caddy] Doing the Bull Dance, feeling the flow. Working, working.
(50 votes)
4
[Shooter McGavin has just hit the ball on Mr. Larson's foot] Mr. Larson: That's two thus far, Shooter. Shooter McGavin: Oh, you can count. Good for you. Mr. Larson: And *you* can count, on *me*, waiting for *you* in the parking lot.
(51 votes)
5
Grandma: Sir, can I trouble you for a warm glass of milk? It helps me go to sleep. Nursing Home Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up. Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, grandma.
(49 votes)
6
Happy Gilmore: [to Bob Barker] The price is wrong, bitch.
(7 votes)
7
Crazy Old Lady: Mister! Mister! Get me outta here! Happy Gilmore: Here, eat that and leave us alone!
(5 votes)
8
Donald: You suck! Ya Jackass!
(4 votes)
9
Chinese Lady: Hey! You no want breakfast?
(4 votes)
10
Chubbs: [Happy visits his happy place one last time, he sees Chubbs] Shut up, Happy. Don't feel bad about me. I got my hand back, see? [Chubbs plays and sings "We've Only Just Begun" on the piano]
(2 votes)
11
Happy Gilmore: You little son of a bitch ball! Why you don't you just go home? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your home? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE ASS BALL!
(1 vote)
12
[the audience is getting wild] Shooter McGavin: Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.
13
Virginia: What's this about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods? Happy Gilmore: I didn't *break* it, I was merely testing its durability, and I *placed* it in the woods cause it's made of wood and I thought he should be with his family.
14
Nursing Home Orderly: Good news, everybody, we're extending arts and crafts time by four hours today. Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt. Nursing Home Orderly: What's that? Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt. Nursing Home Orderly: Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else's fingers hurt?... I didn't think so.
15
Happy Gilmore: During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.
16
Happy Gilmore: Looks like a slight hill. Whaddya think? Jack Beard: And a slant to the left. Happy Gilmore: Nah, it looks that way cause you've only got one shoe on.
17
Grandma: What happened to that nice girlfriend of yours? Happy Gilmore: Oh, She got hit by a car, she's dead.
18
Happy Gilmore: You know my girlfriend is dead. She fell off a cliff and died on impact.
19
Happy Gilmore: I'll make you a bet. If you get this puck into that net, I'll never bother you again. But if you miss, you have to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like it too. Virginia: Do you always carry a puck with you? Happy Gilmore: Yeah. [Virginia shoots puck and scores] Happy Gilmore: Holy shit. Talk about your all time backfires.
20
Chubbs: Back in 1965, Sports Illustrated said I was going to be the next Arnold Palmer. Happy Gilmore: Yeah? What happened? Chubbs: They wouldn't let me play on the Pro Tour anymore. Happy Gilmore: Ah, I'm sorry. Because you're black? Chubbs: Hell no! Damned alligator BIT my hand off! [Shows Happy his wooden hand] Happy Gilmore: OH MY GOD! Chubbs: Yeah. tournament down in Florida. I hooked my ball in the rough down by the lake. Damned alligator just POPPED up, cut me down on my prime. He got me, but I tore one of the bastard's eyes out though. Look at that. [Shows Happy a small glass jar with an eyeball in it] Happy Gilmore: You're pretty sick, Chubbs.
21
Happy Gilmore: [a limo passes by] Whoa, must be Burt Reynolds or somethin'.
22
[in slow motion, Happy hits a ball a great distance. Soon after, the ball bounces on a green and rolls into a hole. The crowd goes wild] Happy Gilmore: [shouts] He shoots, he scores! [Happy turns to Chubbs] Happy Gilmore: Oh, man. That was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time. Chubbs: Good plan. [Chubbs chuckles as he pats Happy with his wooden hand. The two of them walk away] Virginia: [to Shooter] Did you see that? Shooter McGavin: Yes. Nice shot. Virginia: He just got a Hole-in-One on a *par four*! Shooter McGavin: I know. I just said I saw it. Virginia: [laughs] Oh, I hope he *wins*. He's a publicist's *dream*. I mean, a guy who could drive the ball *that* far - oh, he could *really* draw a crowd. [Virginia walks away smiling] Shooter McGavin: [under his breath] You know what *else* could draw a crowd? A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass. [Shooter follows Virginia scowling]
23
Chubbs: They never let me play on the pro tour. Happy Gilmore: Oh I'm sorry Because your black? Chubbs: HELL no. Damn alligator bit my hand off! Happy Gilmore: OH MY GOD!
24
Announcer: Quite a large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational.
25
Happy Gilmore: If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.
26
Happy Gilmore: I got into this tournament for one reason: money. And now I have a new reason: kicking your ass! Shooter McGavin: Well, I'd like to see you try. Happy Gilmore: [Picks up beer bottle and smashes it in half] Let's do it, then! Shooter McGavin: I meant on a golf course! Virginia: Hey! What's going on? Happy Gilmore: Oh, uh, I was just looking for the other half of this bottle and there's some of it and there's some of it right there, too. Virginia: Why don't you just put it down? Happy Gilmore: Yeah, I know.
27
Chubbs: It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. Happy Gilmore: Get off of me. Chubbs: Just easing the tension, baby. Just easing the tension. Happy Gilmore: Yeah, well ease it on someone else.
28
Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good. Happy Gilmore: I am good. You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher. I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they SUCK.
29
Happy Gilmore: Happy learned how to putt, UH-OH!
30
Happy Gilmore: [to caddy] Where were you on that one, dipshit?
31
Shooter McGavin: Damn you people. This is golf. Not a rock concert.
32
Chubbs: Golf requires concentration and focus. Happy Gilmore: Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor the accountant. Probably a great golfer. Huge ass. Chubbs: I'll bet your neighbor the accountant doesn't have a shot at joining the pro tour, and winning the championships. Get that gold jacket like I never got. Happy Gilmore: Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit?
33
Chubbs: Golf's no different from Hockey. It requires talent and self discipline. Happy Gilmore: Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbour the accountant, huge ass. Chubbs: Hey, I'll bet your neighbour the accountant, can't drive the ball 400 yards. I'll bet your neighbour the accountant doesn't have a shot to get on the Pro Tour! Happy Gilmore: And how would I do that? Chubbs: You win the Open tomorrow, and you're automatically on the Pro Tour. Then who knows, maybe you'll win the Tour Championship. Get that gold jacket that I never got. Happy Gilmore: Gold jacket, Green jacket, who gives a shit.
34
Happy Gilmore: That's my puck, baby, don't you ever touch my puck.
35
Shooter McGavin: Stop fraternizing with the help Gilmore. Just hit your ball... if you can find it.
36
[Shooter has just purchased Happy's Grandmothers house] Happy Gilmore: What the hell is wrong with you? Shooter McGavin: Well, Real Estate is a hobby of mine... [Happy goes to hit McGavin] Shooter McGavin: Ah ah. Take one more step, I burn the house and piss on the ashes.
37
Virginia: What the hell is going on here Happy Gilmore: Erm... I was just looking for the other half of this bottle. Oh. There's some... and some more.
38
Happy Gilmore: [to Shooter after hitting a longer drive] Somebody's closer!
39
Virginia: [Happy has just been hit by a car] Happy! Happy are you okay? Happy Gilmore: [groaning] Volkswagon! Donald: [out of the window, driving the car] Jackass!
40
[after Happy finally sinks his putt after 7 tries] Guy on Green: It's about time! Happy Gilmore: Yeah it is about time. I mean I just couldn't get the ball in the hole. I *wanted* to but I just couldn't do it. [Happy rips off the guys shirt, and punches him in the stomach]
41
Happy Gilmore: That guy's driving me crazy. Bob Barker: You know what's driving me crazy? You not getting the ball in the hole! Happy Gilmore: Don't push me, Bob. Now's not the time!
42
Bob Barker: [to Happy after beating him up] Now, you've had enough... bitch.
43
Virginia: I thought we were just going to be friends. Happy Gilmore: What? Friends listen to Endless Love in the dark.
44
Crazy Old Lady: [after the air conditioner falls out the window] Mista, mista! Get this off of me! [yells] Crazy Old Lady: Mista! Happy Gilmore: Hold on, I'll be right there! Happy Gilmore: [turns to Grandma] Hey, you know that 'Mista Mista Lady'... I think I just killed her!
45
Happy Gilmore: [after an air conditioning vent falls on an old lady] Remember that Mista, Mista lady? Well, I think I just killed her.
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