Steven: You know, my brother is a speech therapist. Chip Douglas: Tho?
(62 votes)
2
Chip Douglas: Dos thus have thou a mug of ale for me and me mate, for he hath been pitched in battle with a fort knight and has the king's thirst for the frosty brew dos thou might have for thus!
(53 votes)
3
Chip Douglas: The blue knight rules! The red knight sucks the big one! Down, down, down. Right knight goin' down. Down, down, down. Red knight goin' down.
(58 votes)
4
Rick: Look, Chip Douglas, I don't know what your story is, but I'm going to find out! Chip Douglas: Well, don't dig to deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!
(55 votes)
5
Steven Kovacs: Hey, wait, come back! Chip Douglas: Well look who decided to show. Steven Kovacs: You were supposed to be here 4 hours ago. Chip Douglas: Was I? So I'm the tardy one? Steven Kovacs: Yeah, I was gonna go to that bed and bath place and now it's closed. Chip Douglas: Well maybe I shouldn't have come at all, JERK OFF! I'm just jokin' with ya.
(51 votes)
6
Chip Douglas: You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.
(3 votes)
7
Steven: Can I get a knife or fork? Wench: There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils AT Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi? Steven: There were no utensils but there was Pepsi? Wench: Dude, I got a lot of tables.
(3 votes)
8
Sam Sweet: [Tape of his phone call to the police] Oh my God! Oh my God! My twin brother has been shot! I think it was an Asian gang or something... There was this guy, he looked Asian... and he was speaking another language, I'm pretty sure it was... Asian.
(3 votes)
9
Chip Douglas: He who hesitates, masturbates.
(2 votes)
10
"I can be your best friend or your worst enemy." -- Chip Douglas (JIM CARREY), to Steven Kovacs (MATTHEW BRODERICK).
11
My name is Ernie Douglas, but my friends call me Chip." -- Chip Douglas (JIM CARREY), to Steven Kovacs (MATTHEW BRODERICK).
12
"I never knew my father, but the old TV was always there for me." -- Chip Douglas (JIM CARREY).
13
Chip Douglas: You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!
14
Steven: You're right. That's incredibly insightful. Chip Douglas: I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.
15
Chip Douglas: This concludes our broadcast day. Click.
16
Steven: I have this friend and he gave his cable guy $50 and then he got all the movie channels for free. You ever hear of anything like that? Chip Douglas: [Walks slowly towards Steven] You mean illegal cable? Steven: Um... Yeah. Chip Douglas: Who told you that? What is his name? I want it? Steven: Just forget it. Chip Douglas: You're offering me a bribe. What you have just done is illegal and in this state, if convicted, you could be fined up to $5,000 or spend six months in a correction facility! Steven: No, please, that was dumb. I was just making conversation. Forget it. Chip Douglas: [Bursts out laughing] I'm just jerking your chain! Ha ha ha. The look on your face! Ha ha, you are too easy! [Laughs harder] Chip Douglas: Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.
17
Chip Douglas: Wow, the old McNair place. Never thought they'd get the floors clean after what happened. Steven Kovacs: Why? What happened? Chip Douglas: They had a lot of cats.
18
Chip Douglas: Come on Stevie, time to leavey, It's the fun bus man!
19
Chip Douglas: Hey Steve I'm on a pay phone, so if you're there pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, well OK, call me back.
20
Chip Douglas: Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
21
Chip Douglas: Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!
22
Chip Douglas: I'll juice ya up.
23
Chip Douglas: Come back here, so that I may brain thee!
24
Chip Douglas: Wake up lil snoozy! Smell the smelling salts!
25
Chip Douglas: I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!
26
Chip Douglas: Here is a comment card. Please mail it in when I am done. Steven Kovacs: Does this go to your boss? Chip Douglas: No it goes to me, I'm sort of a perfectionis... perfectionis... t.
27
Chip Douglas: Call it one guy doing another guy a solid. Steven Kovacs: That is so nice! Chip Douglas: Well you're a nice guy! You'd be surprised how many customers treat me like snot, like I'm a goddamn plumber or somethin'.
28
Chip Douglas: The future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities!
29
Chip Douglas: I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.
30
Chip Douglas: I forgive you. I only hope my neurologist will feel the same.
31
Chip Douglas: You better buckle up. I've had a lot to drink... just kidding. That's my humor!
32
Chip Douglas: You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music.
33
Chip Douglas: What a place for an ending, huh? It's like that movie 'Goldeneye'!
The Cable Guy: Sounds like heart break to me. Steven Kovacs: Well I really don't want to discuss it with you. Could you just install my cable please? I'm gonna go get dressed. The Cable Guy: Suit yourself. No sweat off my sac. Oh by the way, you might wanna put on a bathing suit 'cause you'll be channel surfing in no time!
36
Cable Guy: If Robin had seen you tonight, she'd be begging you to take her back. I'm telling you, these knights get laid all the time.
37
Cable Guy: [He and Steve are on horses about to charge one another] This is our destiny! Steven: No it's not! Cable Guy: Yes it is! Steven: No it isn't! Cable Guy: Yes it is! Steven: Isn't! Cable Guy: T'is! Steven: Isn't! Cable Guy: T'is!
38
Cable Guy: [Steven punches him] You're gonna have to do better than that, Steven. Steven. St-st-my lisp is gone! [Steven punches him again; lisps] Cable Guy: You thtupid thon of a bitch!
39
[the Cable Guy makes a slam dunk and breaks the glass panel above the basket] The Cable Guy: I love this game!
40
The Cable Guy: Hey, Rick! I never made a slam dunk before. Thanks for the boost.
41
Chip Douglas: [eating chicken at Medieval Times] Can I have your skin? Steven Kovacs: Sure. Chip Douglas: Check this out. [places pieces of chicken skin over his face] Chip Douglas: Silence of the lambs! [imitates Hannibal Lecter] Chip Douglas: Hello, Clarice. It's good to see you again. [bursts out laughing] Steven Kovacs: Oh lord.
42
Steven Kovacs: Dammit. Son of a bitch! The cable's out.
43
Medieval Times host: Preferred customer my ASS!
44
Steven Kovacs: What's going on? Chip Douglas: It appears that we're going to do battle, Steven. Steven Kovacs: Is this a normal part of the show? Chip Douglas: No, but I gave all the knights free cable. They thought it would be cool if we went at it for a while. Steven Kovacs: Is it safe? Chip Douglas: Sure, that's what the armor's for. Come on.
45
Steven Kovacs: You know, I'm embarassed to say this but I don't even know your name. Chip Douglas: You really wanna know my name? You do? Steven Kovacs: Sure. Chip Douglas: [after pause] It's Ernie Douglas. But my friends call me Chip. [Smiles at Steven] Steven Kovacs: Um... Goodbye.
46
Steven Kovacs: Don't be mad. Can't you get somebody else? Rick: Sure. Maybe I'll take MY cable guy.
47
Chip Douglas: HI! Is there a problem with your service? Steven Kovacs: Yeah, my cable is out. Chip Douglas: [Presents a cut cord] Really? So you call me? Ha, funny how you call when you NEED something. Is that how you treat people?
48
Chip Douglas: Cable guy! [pounds on the door] Chip Douglas: Cably Guy? Cable Guy! [Rings the buzzer] Chip Douglas: Cabla goobla!
49
Steven Kovacs: [Chip had hired a prostitute to entertain Steven] Just get out. I don't ever want to see you again. Robin is never going to forgive me! Chip Douglas: Well I'll tell you how you handle that: DON'T TELL HER.
50
Steven Kovacs: What are you doing? Chip Douglas: I'm just talking trash. Steven Kovacs: You ruined the game. Chip Douglas: I don't appreciate your tone, Steve. Friends aren't supposed to talk to each other that way... Steven Kovacs: What are you talking about? We're not friends. I don't even know you. Chip Douglas: Well let's change that. Let me buy you a Heineken.
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