Other Titles • The Birdcage (1996) • Birds of a Feather
Quotes from The Birdcage (1996)
Louise Keeley: Who is this boy, Barbie? When was the last time you saw him? Barbara Keeley: Please don't call me Barbie. This afternoon at two o'clock. We've been sleeping together for a year. Senator Kevin Keeley: Oh God, has he been tested? Louise Keeley: Oh, Kevin! Barbara Keeley: Yes, and so have I. [Louise screams]
Armand: Shouldn't you be holding the crucifix? It is THE prop for martyrs!
Celsius: Chewing gum helps me think. Albert: Sweetie, you're wasting your gum!
Armand: Al, you old son of a bitch! How ya doin'? How do you feel about that call today? I mean the Dolphins! Fourth-and-three play on their 30 yard line with only 34 seconds to go! Albert: How do you think I feel? Betrayed, bewildered... wrong response?
"Why, it looks like young men playing leapfrog!... Is it Greek?" -- Louise Keeley (DIANNE WIEST), when she sees the pornographic china that's been set out on Armand and Albert's dinner table.
Albert: Oh God, I pierced the toast! Armand: So what? The important thing to remember is not to go to pieces when that happens. You have to react like a man, calmly. You have to say to yourself, "Albert, you pierced the toast, so what? It's not the end of your life."
Albert: [discussing abortion] Oh, I know what you're going to say. "If you kill the mother, the fetus dies too." But the fetus is going to be aborted anyway, so why not let it go down with the ship?
Albert: You know, I used to feel that way too until I found out that Alexander the Great was a fag. Talk about gays in the military!
Albert: Don't give me that tone! Armand: What tone? Albert: That sarcastic contemptuous tone that means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman. Armand: You're not a woman. Albert: Oh, you bastard!
Armand: It's like riding a psychotic horse toward a burning stable.
Agador: Armand, why don't you let me be in the show? Are you afraid of my Guatemalan-ness? Armand: Your what? Agador: My Guatemalan-ness, my natural heat. You're afraid I'm too primitive to be on the stage with your little estrogen rockettes, right? Armand: You're right. I'm afraid of your heat.
Armand: Agador, you're gonna have to get yourself a uniform and dress like a butler. Agador: No! I'm gonna look like a fag! Armand: Maybe, but you'll look like a fag in a uniform.
Albert: Armand Goldman, you old so-and-so! How 'bout those Dolphins! ... Screaming queen?
Albert: He blew a BUBBLE with his GUM while I was singing. He can't do that while I'm SINGING!
Senator Kevin Keeley: That's just what Rush Limbaugh said!
Armand: You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidde, Michael Kidde, Michael Kidde, Michael Kidde! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!... but you keep it all inside.
Armand: So this is Hell. And there's a crucifix in it.
Katherine: You were so terrified, it was so sweet. Armand: I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. I mean, I walk in the door and there's a woman in my bed! Katherine: I paid the doorman twenty dollars - twenty dollars, in those days! Armand: Oh, God. And I thought, "what the hell, let's try it once with a woman and see what those straight guys are raving about."
Armand: All right, I'll bite, where are you going? Albert: To Los Copa. Armand: Los Copa? There's nothing in Los Copa but a cemetery. Albert: I know, that's why I'm packing light. Armand: Oh I see, so you're going to a cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.
Senator Kevin Keeley: Louise, people in this country aren't interested in details. They don't even trust details. The only thing they trust is headlines.
Albert Goldman: Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING! Armand: I made you short?
Albert Goldman: "You look tired" means "you look old." And "you look rested" means "you've had collagen."
Agador: When you gonna let me audition for you again? Armand: When you have talent.
Armand: What are you giving him drugs for? What the hell are Pirin tablets? Agador: It's aspirin with the "A" and the "S" scraped off. Armand: My God, what a brilliant idea! Agador: I know.
Albert: You don't love me anymore, Armand. Armand: Oh, shit.
Armand: Now take that wig off or I'll tell Albert you're wearing it. Agador: You do that, I'm gonna tell him you're seeing somebody else while he's on the stage. Armand: I have two words for you: green card.
Senator Kevin Keeley: I'm so glad I got on Jackson's bandwagon instead of Dole. Dole is just too, too . . . Louise Keeley: Dark. Senator Kevin Keeley: Well, I was gonna say liberal, but he's dark too.
Senator Kevin Keeley: Oh, I got to fire this woman. Uh, Miss Porter, page two, second paragraph, it's "porno", not "pronto".
[on the phone] Senator Kevin Keeley: Hello, Ben. Ready for what? WHAT? Louise Keeley: What's the matter, Kevin? Senator Kevin Keeley: Jackson's dead. Louise Keeley: Oh my God! Senator Kevin Keeley: He died in bed? Whose bed? A prostitute? Louise Keeley: No! Senator Kevin Keeley: A minor? And black? Louise Keeley: What? Senator Kevin Keeley: I don't believe this! I don't FUCKING believe this!
Senator Kevin Keeley: Louise, I'm the Vice President of the Coalition for Moral Order! My co-founder has just died in the bed of an underage black whore!
Louise Keeley: If necessary, we'll get the Pope's blessing, it's not hard!
Albert: Oh Vallie, this is such a shock. I'm not saying anything, I promised your father, Mmm-mmm. But you're only twenty, and if you throw yourself away on some dormitory slut you'll be sorry for the rest of your life. There, enough said, no more, subject closed.
Armand: Celsius, look, this may be a drag show, but it still has to be a good drag show, if possible a great drag show. Albert: Yeah, so just because you're twenty-two and hung doesn't mean that you can... Armand: Let me do this, Albert.
Armand: Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I'm a middle- aged fag. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I'm not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. Fuck the senator, I don't give a damn what he thinks.
Val: Who put Playboy in the bathroom? Goldman Girl: Leave it, it's what they read. Val: Don't add! Just subtract!
Albert: Maybe it is too much to introduce me as his mother on the first visit. Could you tell him I was a relative who dropped in? Val's uncle, Uncle Al! Armand: Oh, what's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al.
Albert: You're obviously not a cultural whatever-it-is. You've never been to a museum, and you eat like a pig. Armand: Albert, these people are right-wing conservatives. They don't care if you're a pig, they just care if you're a fag!
Albert: No good? Armand: Actually, it's perfect. I just never realized John Wayne walked like that.
Armand: What we really need is a woman. We can get away with Albert as an uncle if we had a woman as a mother. Ironic, isn't it? When you need a woman . . .
Armand: Is Albert here? Agador: No. Armand: Great. Then he's driving back from Miami at 20 miles an hour with the parking brake on.
Val: My first day at Edison Park, you told me that if Miss Donovan asked what my father does for a living, I should say he's a businessman. Armand: Well, you were a baby, and Miss Donovan was a small-minded idiot. I didn't want you to get hurt. Val: I can still get hurt.
Albert: Oh yes... Coldeman. The "d" is silent in America. It's Cole D'Isle au Man, or Cole of the Isle of Man, in France, where Armand's chateau is, Cold-e-man in Greece where Armand's work is, and finally the vulgar Coleman in Florida where Armand's home is, so actually, we don't know where we are until we hear our last name pronounced! Ahahahahahahaaaaa!
Albert: My mother always said, "Live on Fisher Island, get buried in Palm Beach. That way, you'll have the best of Florida."
Agador: [in a scene after one in which he was dressed like Lucy] Armand, why don't you let me be in the show?
Armand: You look like Lucy's stunt double. Agador: [dancing around in red wig cleaning] No actually I'm a combination of Lucy and Ricky Armand: That's horrifying.
Agador: My father was the shaman of his tribe and my mother was the high priestess. Armand: So why the hell did they move to New Jersey? Agador: I don't know, they're so stupid.
Katherine: Armand Goldman. Armand: Katie Archer, or is it "Mrs." something? Katherine: No. I'm between husbands.
Armand: [to Agador] Pull yourself together! Because you have to cook dinner. I have to go find Albert. [Exits] Val: You... can *cook*, right? Agador: Your father seems to think so...
Armand: Don't worry about that. I'm very maternal. And Albert's practically a breast.
Waiter: Armand, the Kennedys are here again for supper, third time this week, you want to pick up their tab? Armand: Ted? Waiter: No, just the younger ones. Armand: Wish we could get Ted. Give 'em a free round of coffee.
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