Quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head Do America (1996)
1
Butt-head's Dad: You got a match? Butt-head: Uh, yeah. My butt and your, uh, butt. Uh huh huh.
(4 votes)
2
Agent Bork: Chief! Ya know that guy whose camper they were whackin' off in? Agent Fleming: Bork, you're a federal agent! You represent the United States Government! Never end a sentence with a preposition. Agent Bork: Oh, uh... Ya know that guy in whose camper they... I... I mean, that guy off in whose camper they were whacking?
3
President Clinton: Beavis and Butt-head, on behalf of your fellow Americans I extend my deepest thanks. You exemplify a fine new crop of young Americans who will grow into the leaders of this great country. Butt-head: Huh huh huh, he said extend! Beavis: Oh, yeah!
4
[after apprehending Butt-head] Agent Fleming: Agent Hurley, I want you to give this scumbag a cavity search! I'm talking Roto-Rooter! Don't stop until you reach the back of his teeth!
5
Hoover Dam Guide: Now, can anybody tell me how much energy it takes to power Las Vegas? Beavis: Yeah, I just have a question. Is this a God damn?
6
[Dallas Grimmes mistakes Beavis and Butt-head for hit men who are hunting her] Dallas Grimmes: 10 grand? [scoffs] Dallas Grimmes: That cheap-ass! Alright I've got a better deal for you - I'll double it. I'll pay you 20 if you go back and do him. Butt-head: You want us to do a guy? No way! Beavis: I don't know, Butt-head. That *is* a lot of money! Maybe we can close our eyes and pretend he's a pretty good chick.
7
[Walking down hallway of the White House, stops at picture of Nixon and stares at it] Beavis: Are you threatening ME?
8
Tom Anderson: Boy, I never seen so much whackin'.
9
Beavis: I am the great Cornholio. I need T.P. for my bunghole.
10
Little Old Lady: I'm sorry, son. I got this ringin' in my ears. My doctor says it could be related to my heart palpitations. Beavis: Really? I poop too much. Little Old Lady: Oh. Maybe you're... lactose-intolerant. Beavis: No, no. I POOP TOO MUCH! Then I get tired.
11
Beavis: Why does everybody want to see my schlong?
12
Old Woman on Bus: I'm hoping to score big myself. I'll mostly be doing the slots. Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping to do some sluts too.
13
[after a cavity search by a female FBI agent] Butt-head: Did I just score?
14
David VanDriessen: You know this could be a real positive experience for you guys. There's a whole world of possibilities to discover when we realize we don't need TV to entertain us. Butt-head: Huh huh, he said anus. Beavis: Entertain-us, anus. David VanDriessen: Did you guys hear a word I said? Butt-head: Yeah, 'anus'. Beavis: [chuckling] He he, y-yeah I heard it too. David VanDriessen: Look just take that TV back to the AV room right now and try to be a little more open to life's experiences, m'kay? Butt-head: What a dork.
15
Butt-head: This is gonna be cool. We're getting paid to score. Beavis: Yeah yeah, hnh hnh, then we're gonna get a big-screen TV, with *two* remotes! Hnh hnh. Butt-head: Beavis, this is the greatest day of our lives.
16
[Eight M-16 assault rifles pointed at him] Butt-head: This is the coolest thing I have ever seen.
17
[Checking out Chelsea Clinton] Butt-head: Hey, baby! I noticed you have braces. I have braces too!
18
Muddy Grimmes: You got any last words before I kill ya? Butt-head: I got a couple - buttcheeks. Beavis: Yeah - and boobs. I just wanna say that again... Boobs. Muddy Grimmes: I'm gonna blow ya both to hell,that's what I'm goin' to do! Butt-head: Cool.
19
Beavis: This sucks. It's all hot and stuff. Butt-head: This desert is stupid. They should put a drinking fountain out here. Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Or like a 7-11, or something.
20
[last lines] [talking about scoring] Butt-head: I probably will. Not you. You're too much of a butt monkey. Beavis: Shut up, dil-hole. Butt-head: Butt dumpling. Beavis: Turd burglar. Butt-head: Uh... Ass goblin. Beavis: Shut up, Butt-Head. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street? Butt-head: Uh... Yeah. Beavis: 'Cuz... Uh... I need to stop by his toolshed for a couple minutes. [laughs] Beavis: You know I'm sayin'? Butt-head: Huh huh... tool.
21
Agent Flemming: Well I'll be a monkey's bare assed uncle!
22
[Location: in a church confession booth] Man: I'm sorry, how many Hail-Marys? Beavis: A thousand! And I want you to hit yourself! Right now! Man: Um, now? Beavis: Yes, do it! [Man hits himself] Beavis: Yeah, harder!
23
Bill Clinton: I'm appointing you honorary agents in the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms. Butt-head: Whoa! Huh huh, alcohol and tobacco? Beavis: Yeah and firearms. Bill Clinton: Cool huh? Butt-head: Cigarettes and beer kick ass. Beavis: Yeah, we're in the bureau of beer and fire, and cigarettes, and maybe some chicks too.
24
Pilot: Get the hell out of the cockpit! Butt-head: Huh huh, you said... Pilot: Now!
25
Beavis: Doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street? Cause I just gotta stop by his tool shed for a few minutes. Know what I'm sayin'? Butt-head: Tool, huh huh huh.
26
[In the trunk of Muddy's car, Butt-head finds a tire jack and begins pumping the handle] Butt-head: Hey, Beavis, I'm jacking off.
27
[Trying to read a sign that says 'Master Station Control'] Butt-head: Uh, Master-a... Masturbation?
28
Tom Anderson: Boy, I tell you what, it really makes ya proud. I could stay in here all day. FBI Agent: Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
29
Marcie Anderson: They're here to look at the TV. Tom Anderson: What? The TV ain't broken. Beavis: Yeah it is.
30
Butt-head: Whoa, cool. Hey, can I have a gun, too?
31
[noticing the open door, the stolen T.V., and the broken window] Butt-head: Whoa! I just figured something out, Beavis? Beavis: What's that? Butt-head: This sucks! Beavis: Yeah! It *really* sucks! Butt-head: This sucks more than anything that's ever sucked before. We must find this butt-hole that took our TV.
32
Butt-head: [over loudspeaker] Uh, attention! Attention! We're looking for the chick with big boobs! Beavis: [over loudspeaker] Yeah. We are ready to do you now! Beavis and Butt-head: Uh-huh-huh-huh! All senators: Uh-huh-huh-huh! Uh-huh-huh-huh!
33
Beavis: Dammit! This always happens! I think I'm gonna score, and then I never score! It's not fair! We traveled um, a mil-... a hundred miles, just because we thought we were gonna score! But now it's not gonna happen! Dammit! Bus Driver: Hey, buddy! Sit down! Beavis: Shut up, ass-wipe! I'm sick and tured of this! We're never gonna score! We're probably gonna get old like these people, but they've probably scored! Bus Driver: Hey! I'm warning you! Sit down! Beavis: [motioning to Martha] It's like this chick's a slut... and look at this guy! He's old, but he's probably scored a million times...! Old Guy: [nodding] Oh, yeah. Beavis: But not us! We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score!
34
Little Old Lady: [to her husband] I want you to meet two nice boys. [She introduces Beavis first] Little Old Lady: This is Travis, and Bob. [to Butt-head] Little Old Lady: What's your last name, son? Butt-head: Uh, Head. My first name is Butt.
35
Little Old Lady: Yoo-hoo! Travis and Bob Head! Hello!
36
Butt-head: It's like, uh... coming out of his ass. But also, like... it's coming out of the ass of the ass. Beavis: Yeah! It's like... the poop's coming out of the ass... of the ass!
37
[after Beavis and Butt-head enter the motel room] Muddy Grimmes: Man, Earl said you guys were young, but... jeez. Oh, well. As long as you can get the job done. What are your names? Butt-head: Uh, Butt-head. Beavis: Beavis. Muddy Grimmes: Heh heh. That's OK. I'd rather not know your real names, anyway. My name's Muddy.
38
[Arriving at the Hoover Dam] Beavis: We're in Washington. Butt-head: We're gonna score. Little Old Lady: We're not to Washington yet, son. This is the Hoover Dam. Beavis: Uh... no, no. We're in WASHINGTON! Butt-head: WE'RE GONNA SCORE NOW!
39
[Getting back on the bus] Beavis: Wait. We can't leave Washington yet. We never met that chick. Little Old Lady: Oh, we're a long way from Washington. Right now, we're at the Hoover Dam. Beavis: Damn. Heh heh. I'll be damned.
40
Beavis: You must bow down to the almighty bunghole!
41
Muddy: You guy's are late Butt-head: Really? Did we miss Baywatch?
42
Beavis: Hey Butt-head, are we gonna die? Butt-head: Uhhhhhh... probably.
43
Tom Anderson: What in the dam hell? Tom Anderson: AAAAUUGGGH! AAAAUUGGH! Beavis: Hey how's it going? Tom Anderson: DON'T YOU EVER CATCH ME SEEING YOU DOING THAT AND PULL YOU'R DAMN PANTS UP!
44
Beavis: Something's wrong with my butt! Butt-head: Your butt sucks!
45
Butt-head's Dad: [sitting around a camp fire eating beans] Hey, you guys wanna see something REALLY cool? BrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaP! [farts and creates a fiery mushroom cloud] Beavis: WHOA! FIIIIRRRRRRRRRRE WHOAAAAAA!
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