Lucy: I'm having an affair. I like Jack. Jerry: Who's Jack? Lucy: Peter's brother. Jerry: So? Lucy: So he thinks I'm engaged. Jerry: To who? Lucy: To Peter. Jerry: Lucy, I really don't have time for this. Lucy: No, you have to tell me what to do. Jerry: Tell the truth. Lucy: If I tell Jack I lied to his family he will *never* speak to me again. And Ox and Midge and Mary and Saul. Jerry: Saul? Who's Saul? Lucy: The next door neighbor. But you know what? Actually, he knows. Jerry: Lucy, you are born into a family. You do not join them like you do the marines. Lucy: So what should I do? Jerry: Pull the plug. Lucy: You're sick. Jerry: I'm sick? You're cheating on a vegetable.
(20 votes)
2
Elsie: I don't drink anymore... I don't drink any less, either!
(21 votes)
3
Elsie: I like Mass better in Latin. It's nicer when you don't know what they're saying.
(20 votes)
4
Joe Jr.: O.K., Lucy, it's either me or him! Lucy: Him. Joe Jr.: You don't have to answer right away.
(19 votes)
5
Lucy: Doesn't anybody use a phone anymore? Joe Jr.: I do. Lucy: I'm not talking about 900 numbers. Joe Jr.: Who told you?
(19 votes)
6
Jack: You suck! Peter: I suck, or the outfit sucks? Jack: It's a toss-up.
(2 votes)
7
[last lines] Lucy: Peter once asked me when I fell in love with Jack. And I told him, "It was while you were sleeping."
(2 votes)
8
Lucy: [thinking] It's amazing how exotic Wisconson... isn't.
(2 votes)
9
Jack: What do you know about my family? Spending a week with them does *not* make you an expert! Lucy: Spending a *lifetime* with them, hasn't make you one, either!
(2 votes)
10
Peter: Ashley! Ashley: Scumbag! You're engaged? May I remind you-you proposed to me? Peter: You said no. We broke up. Ashley: No, no. I was confused, we stepped back. Peter: You moved to Portugal. Ashley: Yes, well, I didn't think you were going to run out and marry the first bimbo. Peter: Lucy's not a bimbo. Ashley: Lucy? Lucy who? Peter: I don't remember. I have amnesia. Ashley: Amnesia. Oh that's rich. Alright, fine! I want my stuff back. Peter: Then I want my stuff back. Ashley: What stuff? Peter: Your nose. Ashley: [shocked] You can't have my nose back! Peter: I paid for it. Ashley: [gesturing to her breasts] Well then here! You paid for these too! Peter: Keep it. I'm a changed man Ashley. Ashley: Go ahead. Go ahead and marry her, you one-balled bastard.
(2 votes)
11
Elsie: [during Mass] How did Joe Kelly get to be a lector? He takes marijuana!
(2 votes)
12
Jerry: So what's the big deal? Lucy: What's the big deal? Jerry, they think I'm their future daughter in law. And the grandma has got this heart thing and if I tell them the truth, she's gonna have a heart attack and die and it'll be on my head. Jerry: So, go along with it and when Peter comes out of the coma the family'll be so happy they won't care that you lied to them. Lucy: [to hot dog vendor] *Just* Mustard. Ok, what if he *doesn't* come out of his coma? Jerry: Then who's to know? Lucy: [groans] Jerry: Listen, Lucy, when I told my mother I was getting married to my wife, her intestines exploded. You tell them the truth now? You may as well shoot grandma.
(2 votes)
13
Ashley: Peter Callahan is engaged to me. I object to this wedding! Priest: Get in line. Ashley's husband: And I object to your objection. Mary Callaghan: Who's that? Peter: Ashley's husband. Midge Callaghan: You proposed to a married woman? Peter: Yes. And I'm in a coma when my brother makes a play for my- sort of my fiancée
14
Jerry: You're born into a family. You do not join them like you do the Marines.
15
Ox Callahan: Jesus Christ, Jack, you're running the business. Jack: That's something I'd like to talk to you about. Midge Callaghan: Talk about that later ok? Mary Callaghan: Talk about it now, he can't kill you in church.
16
Jack: I guess I don't remember meeting you. Lucy: Well, that's probably because we've never met. Jack: That could have something to do with it.
17
Lucy: Oh, and I'm *very* sorry about your carpet.
18
Lucy: What do you want from me, Jack? Jack: I want you not to be unhappy. Lucy: And what are you, the Happiness Guru, Jack? Are you happy? Because I don't remember you having had a conversation with your father. I mean, you *do* want to leave the business don't you, or is this just like another *miscommunication* that we're having here?
19
Peter: Remember the squirrels? Jack: Don't. Peter: First I knocked them out of their nest with a rock. Then I saved them.
20
Elsie: Look at the bright side. He has more room in his jockey shorts.
21
Lucy: It's just... I never met anyone I could laugh with. You know?
22
Lucy: The truth was that I fell in love with you. Ox Callahan: You fell in love with me? Lucy: No, N-o, yes. All of you. I went from being all alone to being a fiancee, a daughter a granddaughter, a sister and a friend.
23
Saul: I couldn't love you any more if you were my own son. But the fact of the matter is, you're... well you're a putz. Peter: Is there a point to this?
24
Lucy: Do you believe in love at first sight? Nah, I betcha don't, you're probably too sensible for that. Or have you ever, like, seen somebody? And you knew that, if only that person *really* knew you, they would, well, they would of course dump the perfect model that they were with, and realize that YOU were the one that they wanted to, just, grow old with. Have you ever fallen in love with someone you haven't even talked to? Have you ever been so alone you spend the night confusing a man in a coma?
25
Lucy: You don't have to walk me home. Jack: You block the wind.
26
Jack: Tell me about your dad, what was he like? Lucy: He was a lot like me, brown hair, flat chest.
27
Lucy: If you fit into my pants I will kill myself.
28
Lucy: You're sick. Jerry: Oh, I'm sick? You're cheating on a vegetable.
29
Priest: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to... Lucy: I object. Saul: Oh, geez. Priest: I didn't get to that part yet. Jack: I would have to object too. Priest: What about you? Peter: I'm thinking!
30
Lucy: Celeste, you have to have sex to be pregnant. Celeste: But I thought you said you were engaged.
31
[referring to her father] Lucy: He would get these far-off looks in his eyes and he would say 'Life doesn't always turn out the way you plan'. I just wish I'd realized at the time, he was talking about MY life.
32
Man at Church: Will you please pipe down? Ox Callahan: Hey, be nice pal-ly, we're in Church! Man at Church: You're disrupting the Mass! Ox Callahan: Who made you the Pope?
33
Lucy: Wh-why did you say that? Nurse Wanda: Say what? Lucy: I'm not his fiancee. Nurse Wanda: Why did you tell me that you were? Lucy: I'm not engaged. I've never even spoken to the guy. Nurse Wanda: What? Well, do-, downstairs, you said, you said you were gonna marry him. Lucy: Oh, geez, I was talking to myself. Nurse Wanda: Well, next time you talk to yourself, tell yourself you're single and end the conversation.
34
Lucy: I've had a really lousy Christmas, you've *just* managed to kill my New Year's, if you come back on Easter- you can burn down my apartment.
35
Jack: I want you... not to be unhappy...
36
Jerry: What's this? Lucy: A wedding invitation. Jerry: Now wait a second! This is *your* wedding invitation. Lucy: So? Jerry: Whom are we marrying? Lucy: [turns over invitation] Peter Callaghan. Jerry: The coma guy? Are you insane? Lucy: Yes, Jerry. I'm insane. I go to work and I sit in a box like a beagle. I work every holiday, I go home to a cat and now a rich and handsome man has asked me to marry him and I've said yes. OK. That makes me a total raving lunatic. Jerry: The wedding is tomorrow! Lucy: I know it's tomorrow Jerry, but you know what? I even wish it were yesterday. Because that would mean that *today* I would be on my honeymoon, that I would *finally* have a stamp in my passport, and that it would say *Italy* on it. Jerry: What happened to the other guy? Lucy: He didn't want me.
37
Midge Callaghan: These potatoes are so creamy. Mary mashed them.
38
Lucy: You give up your seat every day in the train. Peter: Well... But that's not heroic. Lucy: It is to the person who sits in it.
39
Lucy: I'm in love with your son. Ox Callahan: I know. Lucy: Not that one. [points to Peter] Lucy: That one. [points to Jack]
40
Ashley: Alright, fine! I want my stuff back. Peter: Then I want my stuff back. Ashley: What stuff? Peter: Your nose. Ashley: [shocked] You can't have my nose back! Peter: I paid for it. Ashley: [gesturing to her breasts] Well then here! You paid for these too!
41
Joe Jr: Hey Pop. Can I give that bottle of Blue Nun you got from Cousin Ornello to my probation officer?
42
Lucy: You're trying on my shoes?
43
Lucy: [trying to heave a tree up to her second floor apartment through the window] $38 for a Christmas tree and they don't deliver? You order $10 worth of chow mein from Mr. Wong they bring it to your door.
44
Mr. Fusco: "Nature of claim: Christmas tree through window". How am I gonna put that on my insurance claim? They're still pissed about the fire we had when Joe Jr. barbecued in the stairwell. Lucy: I missed that. Mr. Fusco: Great sausage. Lucy: Listen, I'll pay for this. Mr. Fusco: Don't worry about it, my brother Giuli's in the glass business.
45
Jack: [playing cards with a comatose Peter] You remember back in high school? I was starting to get really good at poker, went home with lots of lunch money? I got to know the principal's office really well. He always used to say to me "why can't you be more like your brother Peter". I was ok with that, I was proud of you and I was never jealous of anything that you had. [pause] Jack: Until now. I'll cut the deck. Highest card gets Lucy. [cuts deck, looks at the cards] Jack: Let's make it best out of three.
46
Jack: [Lucy's sitting in the booth at the station taking tokens for the train. Suddenly someone drops a ring, making her look up] Lucy? I have to ask you a question. Elsie: Get down on one knee, it's more romantic. Saul: Elsie, if he's proposing let him do it! Elsie: I *am* letting him do it. Jack: Can I come in there please? Lucy: I can't. Not without a token. Jack: [he hands one in and goes into the booth] Marry me. Lucy: Yes. I love you. Jack: I love you back.
47
Midge Callaghan: [Lucy has come to the Callahan's for Christmas and is sitting on the front steps talking to Saul] Lucy? You came? Oh this is great! Hi, Saul! Hey, come on in, you two, it's freezing out here. Elsie made her egg nog. Saul: [whispers to Lucy] A word to the wise - drink slowly.
48
[Joe Jr. knocks on door] Lucy: Who is it? Joe Jr.: Joe Jr. Lucy: I'm not here. Joe Jr.: I know that trick!
49
Jerry: Lucy? Lucy: Yeah? Jerry: They have *doctors* for this sort of thing!
50
Jack: Maybe if we angle it a little. Lucy: I think it's wedged. Jack: Why don't you step back, I'm gonna try an old trick. Lucy: What's the trick? Jack: Push it really hard. Lucy: Ok, push. Jack: I did.
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