Shannon Hamilton: That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair. Brodie: Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place. Gil Hicks: What... like the back of a Volkswagen?
(40 votes)
2
Silent Bob: Adventure, excitement... a Jedi craves not these things. [c.f. Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)]
(36 votes)
3
Brodie: One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at the local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with a trip to the emergency room. Then, last week, I saw him in the pet store. He was buying another cat. I said, "Walt, what the hell are you doing, you know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too, why don't you knock it off?" And he says to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.
(35 votes)
4
[Jay and Silent Bob are hiding from La Fours] Jay: Is he gone? Brodie: Halfway to Buy Me Toys by now. [they come out of hiding] Jay: Man, that bastard's faster than Walt Flanagan's dog...
(33 votes)
5
[Brodie picks up a controller and continues a paused video game] Rene: What are you doing? You promised me breakfast. Brodie: Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.
(31 votes)
6
Willam Black: Brenda? Rene: [hitting him] DICK.
(4 votes)
7
[after hitting La Fours over the head with a baseball bat] Jay: Come to me, son of Jor-El. Kneel before Zod. Snootchie-bootchies.
(3 votes)
8
Jay: [as Silent Bob is 'flying' across the mall towards the stage] Fly, Fatass, fly.
(3 votes)
9
Brodie: Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don't care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator.
10
Brodie: You have my Punisher War Journal #6, my copy of "Fletch" and the remote control to my TV. Now, I know it's going to be hard to give this stuff up because of it's sentimental attachment... Rene: Sentimental attachment? Look, if I have any of that crap it's because you brought it over my house and left it there. Brodie: Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights. Rene: For what? Brodie: For the mall. I figure you can take the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends. When there's any special feature like a sidewalk sale... Rene: [interrupting] Brodie, Brodie... Brodie: ...or a boat show... Rene: [interrupting] Brodie! I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you told me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse", I said okay. On prom night at the hotel when you told me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even during my grandmother's funeral when you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide. Rene: [Grabs Brodie by the ear] But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment.
11
T.S. Quint: How do I do that?
12
Brodie: I took you shopping all the time! [Banging his hands against the elevator wall] Rene: You took me where you went shopping, you jerk ! You think I care what store in that shitpit dirt mall has the latest godzilla bootlegs ? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out ? Do I give a shit what two comic labels are crossing over characters, Selling two editions of the book in varied-ink chromium covers ? I'm a girl, damn it ! I wanna do girly things!
13
Brandi: Suitor number 3, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake or a jackhammer? Gil Hicks: Definitely a jackhammer, I'm in there with some pressure and when I'm done, you're not the same as before. You're changed. Brodie: Where do you come up with this shit? That's the cheesiest response to an honest question I have ever heard. I saw you kiss and it wasn't anything like that. Bob Summers: [Chuckling] Suitor #2, you'll have to wait until you're addressed before you respond. Brodie: Richard Dawson, why don't you just go back to your podium until it's time to play The Feud. All right? [Audience laughs] Gil Hicks: Who the hell did you see me kiss? Brodie: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was but he seemed unimpressed. Gil Hicks: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear. I'm not gay. Brodie: Hey, Suitorette, this guys a homophobe. You heard how repulsed he sounded. Is this the kind of guy you want to spend a vacation with? This hate-monger? Gil Hicks: I don't hate gay people. Brodie: So you love them? Gil Hicks: Yes. I mean no. Brodie: Textbook closet case self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.
14
[to T.S] Brodie: You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Hasn't it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?
15
Brodie: Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her? T.S. Quint: No, why do you ask? Brodie: I never farted in front of Renee. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me. T.S. Quint: Renee's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating... Brodie: She was going down on me at the time. T.S. Quint: [Retches] Brodie: What can I say, I was feeling relaxed, when I feel relaxed I squirt. T.S. Quint: If all she did was dump you, you got off light.
16
Jay: Where do you get these wonderful toys? [c.f. Batman (1989)]
17
Brodie: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.
18
Brodie: I would've made a sexy chick.
19
Brodie: My Grandmother always used to say "why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free". T.S. Quint: She said that? Brodie: All the time, before she became a lesbian on her 60th Birthday, but that's besides the point.
20
Brodie: You fuckers think just because a guy reads comics he can't start some shit?
21
Brodie: The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched. T.S. Quint: You're such an anal retentive bastard. Brodie: Hey, I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but oh no. You wanted to play little league.
22
T.S. Quint: But they're engaged. Brodie: Doesn't matter, can't happen. T.S. Quint: Why not? It's bound to come up. Brodie: It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry her child? T.S. Quint: Sure, why not? Brodie: He's an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him. T.S. Quint: How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to man of steel coital debates with you in the food court? Brodie: Cookie stand isn't part of the food court. T.S. Quint: Of course it is. Brodie: The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here. T.S. Quint: The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court. Brodie: Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs count as food court. Anything outside, of said designated sqaure, counts as an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if your going to wax intellectual about the subject...
23
[At a Dating Game-like game show] Brandi: Second suitor: if we were making whoopee, what sounds would you make? Brodie: Wait, what's whoopee? Brandi: You know, being intimate. Brodie: What? Like fucking?
24
Jay: Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and, fuckin' bickety-bam, the whole stage comes crashing down. Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.
25
Brandi: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopie in public? Brodie: I already did once today. [clicks his finger at Renee] Brodie: But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, *Snap* the hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and it land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else. Gil Hicks: Well, did he cum, or what? Brodie: Jesus Christ, man. There's just some things you don't talk about in public.
26
Shannon Hamilton: You wanna say something? Brodie: Yeah. About a million things, but I can't express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand it all.
27
[subtitle, "William eventually saw the sailboat."] Willam Black: Yeah?
28
Jay: What you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!
29
Brodie: I love the smell of commerce in the morning.
30
T.S. Quint: How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us? Brodie: Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here. Gil Hicks: Well, now, I'm not like Rush Limbaugh. Brodie: Well, why not? Because he's fat? Now you have something against fat people, too?
31
[Brodie introduces Tricia to T.S] Brodie: T.S. Quint, meet Tricia Jones. They call her Trish "the dish". Tricia Jones: Nobody calls me that.
32
Little Girl: [looking at a Magic Eye poster] Wow. It's a schooner. Willam Black: Ha ha ha ha. You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner... it's a Sailboat. Little Boy: A schooner IS a sailboat stupid head. Willam Black: [becoming enraged] You know what. There is NO Easter Bunny. Over there, that's just a guy in a suit.
33
[Brodie Bruce speaking of T.S. and Brandi's love] Brodie: You two are retarded for each other.
34
Brodie: Look, if I had any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator... present company excluded. T.S. Quint: Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back. Brodie: I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you. [TS elbows Gwen in the chest, she hits him in the groin] Brodie: See, that's what you get for fucking with me.
35
Brodie: Why don't they ever bring back or remake good shows, like 'BJ and the Bear.' Now there's a concept I can't get enough of, a man and his monkey.
36
Stan Lee: I think you need to get your friend some help. He seems to be obsessed with super hero sex organs.
37
T.S. Quint: You should see yourself right now - a grown man with his hand down his pants. Brodie: Yeah, I probably look like my old man.
38
Jay: Silent Bob here's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit.The mother fucker's like MacGyver. No, the mother fucker's *better than* MacGyver.
39
Brodie: You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda's gross-out mother after she called him "low class". T.S. Quint: That wasn't me. It was you. Brodie: Oh, yeah. T.S. Quint: And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother. Brodie: No wonder the bitch went down so fast.
40
[Jay is reading a Hustler. He shows a spread to Silent Bob] Jay: Dude, this one looks like your mom. [Silent Bob nods]
41
[Jay explains the details of Operation Drive By to Silent Bob] Jay: First you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back at humping your mom last night. Neetch. Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berzerk style, and knock out the fuckin' pin and bickety bam, the motherfucker is rubble. Hence, no game show.
42
T.S. Quint: Jesus, how much did you smoke? Jay: All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights. T.S. Quint: How much do I owe you? Jay: My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies. T.S. Quint: Let's hope there is a next time.
43
Jay: Dude, you the mad chick magnet.
44
Brodie: Hey, look at that ring. What is that? Jared Svenning: That is, um, my Junior College class ring. Cum Laude, '69. Brodie: I also hope to cum loud one day, preferably in a 69.
45
Brodie: There is something out there that can help us ease our simultanious double loss T.S. Quint: What? Ritual suicide? Brodie: No, you idiot, the fucking mall T.S. Quint: I prefer ritual suicide Brodie: Oh come on man it'll be great they have these new cookies at the cookie stand you have to try 'em they're awesome
46
[the videotape of Shannon back-dooring Trica is playing on the big screen, with cheesy 70s porno music in background] Shannon Hamilton: Yeah, who's your favourite New Kid. Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Oh, please don't go girl. Jay: Goddamn. This is one wacky game show. Brodie: [to the cops] Hey! That girl's only 15! [cops focus their attention on Shannon] Shannon Hamilton: Ah, 15. I thought she was 36! [cops are approaching him] Shannon Hamilton: Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.
47
[Brodie is trying to get into the comic book store] Brodie: Hey, what's going on in there? Steve-Dave Pulasti: I was warned about you. Take it easy before I have you removed from the mall. Brodie: Warned? What the fuck are you talking about? Walt "Fanboy" Grover: Tell him, Steve-Dave. Brodie: Fuck you, Fanboy. T.S. Quint: [breaking up the fight] Can you two testosterone-seething, he-man, comic book fans finish up with this display of tough guy back-and-forth? I have some questions that need answering.
48
[Jay explains the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob] Jay: Okay Lunchbox, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there. And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogens.
49
Brodie: But you've had a lot of girls, right? Stan Lee: Oh yeah. Mick Jagger and I had a running tally going. Last I checked I was way ahead.
50
T.S. Quint: I was going to propose to her. Brodie: Where? T.S. Quint: The Universal Tour. Brodie: You're kidding. What part? T.S. Quint: When Jaws popped out of the water. Brodie: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard. T.S. Quint: Too bad I'm not trying to marry you.
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