Other Titles • Grumpier Old Men (1995) • Grumpy Old Men 2
Quotes from Grumpier Old Men (1995)
1
[after Allie swallows a quarter] Grandpa: Relax. Kids swallow quarters all the time. Melanie: Really? Grandpa: Sure. If she craps out two dimes and a nickel, then you can start worrying.
(21 votes)
2
[At Maria's resturante in front of Ariel, Maria and Max] John: Nobody slept with anybody.' [Shows up in the background] Grandpa Gustafson: Speak for yourself.
(19 votes)
3
"Come back to my place! I'll show you my canneloni!" -- Grandpa (BURGESS MEREDITH) to Francesca, Maria's elderly mother (ANN GUILBERT).
(18 votes)
4
[after Ariel kicks John out, and Max won't let him spend the night] John Gustafson: I'm cold. Max Goldman: [hands him some matches] Here's some matches. Set yourself on fire.
(17 votes)
5
"I think I gave him bad advice. I told him to be himself." -- John (JACK LEMMON), after Max (WALTER MATTHAU) goes out on a date.
(17 votes)
6
John Gustafson: Pop, I wish you'd try the low-fat bacon. Grandpa Gustafson: Well, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first.
(2 votes)
7
Maria: I haven't been with a man for a long time Max Goldman: Me neither.
8
Max: I am the gangster of love John: Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up? Max: Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.
9
[about talking to one's plants] Max Goldman: I got a cactus in my bathroom, but we got nothing to say to each other.
10
Max: Eat my shorts.
11
Mama Ragetti: We could have retired in Hawaii. Grandpa Gustafson: I have been to Hawaii. Mama Ragetti: Oh yeah? Which island? Grandpa Gustafson: Come-on-I-wanna-lay-ya. Mama Ragetti: I find you disgusting. Grandpa Gustafson: Well, just as long as you find me.
12
[Tv on] Geraldo: "Lesbian Bandits" next on "Geraldo" Max: Ooooh Lesbians yummy.
13
[the elder Mr. Gustafson has passed away] Max: I knew your old man longer than I knew my own. John: He was always very fond of you, Max. Max: He was a good man. John: The best. Max: You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie. John: And you know how I really feel about Jacob. Max: Yeah, well, he deserves to be happy. John: He deserves Melanie. Max: Hmmmm. Well, whaddya wanna do now? John: You wanna get drunk? Max: Yeah.
14
[after finally catching Catfish Hunter] Max: If I die today, I die a happy man. John: You die today, I'm taking your motor.
15
[John charges at Max in a boat] Max Goldman: You don't have the balls to take me on any more. Ariel's got you neutered.
16
John Gustafson: This milk has chunks in it. Max Goldman: What's your point?
17
John Gustafson: Here, drop anchor. Max Goldman: You cut the anchor you dumb ass. John Gustafson: Alright, then grab the net. Max Goldman: You cut that too you dick head.
18
John Gustafson: I am going down and apologizing to Maria. Max Goldman: You traitor, you Benedict Arnold. John Gustafson: Yeah, yeah. Max Goldman: Finally. I didn't think he would last that long. [Grabs milk and smells it] Max Goldman: Smells alright to me.
19
Max Goldman: Why don't you do the world a favor? Pull your lip over your head and swallow.
20
John Gustafson: You won't even know I'm here. Max Goldman: That's because you won't be here.
21
Max Goldman: If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.
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