Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. Billy Madison: Okay, a simple no would've done just fine.
(117 votes)
2
Billy Madison: [drunk, he sees a fake a penguin] It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around. I gotta send you back to the South Pole.
(107 votes)
3
Old Farm Lady: If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
(93 votes)
4
Knibb High Principal: Any attempt to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty, tramp, and I am just gonna snap.
(91 votes)
5
Lunch Lady: Have some more sloppy joes. I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy. Billy Madison: Lady, you're scaring us.
(92 votes)
6
Billy Madison: Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really. [Notices gold swan on edge of tub] Billy Madison: Stop looking at me, swan.
(20 votes)
7
3rd Grader: Hey look everybody, Billy peed his pants. Billy Madison: Of course I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It's the coolest. 3rd Grader: Really? Billy Madison: YES. You ain't cool, unless you pee your pants. 3rd Grader: Hey look, Ernie peed his pants too. Alright! Old Farm Lady: If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis. Billy Madison: OOH. That is the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life. Let's Go.
(11 votes)
8
[after putting dog poop in a paper bag and lighting it on fire on Old Man Clemens' porch] Billy Madison: Oh my God, Old Man Clemens hates shit. Frank: Shh, here he comes. Old Man Clemens: Who the hell is it? What do you want? Judas Priest, Barbara, it's one of those flaming bags again. Barbara: Don't put it out with your boots, Ted. Old Man Clemens: Don't tell me my business, Devil Woman. Call the fire department, this one's outta control. [Old Man Clemens steps on the bag, then lifts up his boot and smells] Old Man Clemens: Eck, poop again. Billy Madison: He called the shit "poop". [Billy, Jack, and Frank laugh hysterically] Frank: This is the best night of my life. [They continue laughing] Old Man Clemens: I'll get you damn kids for this. You're all gonna die.
(6 votes)
9
Old Farm Lady: I'll tell you who it was, it was that damned Sasquatch
(6 votes)
10
Billy Madison: Sometimes I feel like an idiot. But I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.
(9 votes)
11
Juanita: I thought I was your snack pack.
(7 votes)
12
Billy Madison: Bunt. B-U-N-T, in perfect cursive. Got any more brain busters? Veronica Vaughn: How about 'Rizzuto'? [Billy ponders, then writes] Veronica Vaughn: Rirruto? Billy Madison: Those're Z's. Veronica Vaughn: They look like R's to me. Billy Madison: You're cheating! Rizzuto's not a word! He's a baseball player!
(5 votes)
13
Old Lady: What is a horse shoe? What does a horse shoe do? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?
(5 votes)
14
Juanita: Ooh that boy's a fine piece of work all right. He's a fine piece of ass though, too.
(4 votes)
15
Billy Madison: Well, I made the duck blue because I'd never seen a blue duck before and I wanted to see one. Miss Lippy: Well, I think it's an excellent blue duck. Congratulations Billy, you just passed the first grade. Billy Madison: Wow, Miss Lippy, that's great. What do you think of that Mr. Blue Duck? [pretending to be duck] Billy Madison: That's quacktastic.
(4 votes)
16
Billy Madison: No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? this girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll.
(3 votes)
17
Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn is one hot piece of ace, I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean. Billy Madison: No, you don't. Bus Driver: Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her *got it on*. Wooo-eee! Billy Madison: No, they didn't. Bus Driver: No, No, they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they, eh, eh... everybody on, good, great, grand, wonderful. [shouts] Bus Driver: No yelling on the bus!
(3 votes)
18
Billy Madison: [shouting] Where's my snack pack? Juanita: You got a banana, you don't need no snack pack.
(5 votes)
19
Bus Driver: HEY! Who thew that? I'll turn this damn bus around. That'll end your PRECIOUS little field trip pretty damn quick, eh?
(3 votes)
20
Frank: Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson? Billy Madison: Jack Nicholson now, or 1974? Frank: 1974. Billy Madison: Meg Ryan.
(2 votes)
21
Billy Madison: I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school. Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits. Billy Madison: Oh my God. I'll go to school.
(2 votes)
22
Veronica Vaughn: No milk will ever be our milk.
(2 votes)
23
Billy Madison: Billy-Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.
(2 votes)
24
3rd Grader: How's high school Billy? Billy Madison: High school is great. I'm learning new things and everyone is really nice. 3rd Grader: Gee, I can't wait till I get into high school. Billy Madison: [whispering] Don't you say that. Don't you ever say that. Stay here. Stay here as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it.
(2 votes)
25
Teacher: Spell "couch". Little girl: Couch. C-O-W... Billy Madison: No! Teacher: [to little girl] No, I'm sorry, that is incorrect [to Billy] Teacher: Billy, if you spell this correctly you pass second grade. Billy Madison: Couch. C-O-R, uh, are you going to the mall today? Teacher: No I'm not goin to the mall, keep spelling, mister. Billy Madison: Couch. C-O-U-C-H! Teacher: That is correct! Billy Madison: I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!
(2 votes)
26
Kid: Mortal Kombat for the SEGA Genesis is the best game ever. Billy: I disagree, although Mortal Kombat is a good game. My favorite game is Donkey Kong. Kid: Donkey Kong sucks. Billy: You know something? YOU SUCK.
(2 votes)
27
Rollo The Janitor: [reading a note from Billy] Miss Lippy's Car is Green!
(2 votes)
28
Billy Madison: Oh Veronica Vaughn! So hot! Want to touch the hiney! Arrroooooooo!
(2 votes)
29
3rd Grader: Wa-wa-wa-once th-th-th-there wa-wa-wa-was a-a-a-a g-g-girl Billy Madison: Kid can't even read Ernie: Cut it out dude your gonna get us in trouble. Billy Madison: T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR!
(2 votes)
30
Billy Madison: Hey, Carl. What's up? Carl: Nothing much, Billy. I see you got a little sun today. Billy Madison: You think so? I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours. Eric: Did you fall asleep or did you pass out? Billy Madison: [sarcastic laughter] Shut up!
(2 votes)
31
Brian Madison: Remember that spelling bee you won in the first grade? Rock: r-o-k? Billy Madison: Yeah, so what's your point? Brian Madison: r-o-C-k! Billy Madison: Ohhh yeh! The c is silent.
(2 votes)
32
Carl: I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some. Eric: Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you. Carl: I'm sorry. Eric: Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Karl?
(2 votes)
33
Clown: Hey, kids, it's me. I bet you thought that I was dead. But when I fell over I just broke my leg and got a hemorrhage in my head. HA HA HA.
(1 vote)
34
Frank: I think Billy and his girlfriend are playing water polo. Jack: Maybe they're playing Marco Polo. Marco. Frank: Polo. Man, that was a great game.
(2 votes)
35
Billy Madison: Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.
36
Frank: When I graduated from first grade, all my dad did was tell me to get a job.
37
Brian Madison: Oh, Billy Billy boy. When are you gonna find what ever it is you're looking for? Billy Madison: Here's a nice piece of shit.
38
O'Doyle (Grade 12): O'Doyle rules. Billy Madison: O'Doyle, I've got a feeling your whole family's going down.
39
Billy Madison: Hey I'm trying to score points with the teacher today. DON'T SCREW IT UP. 3rd Grader: I dare you to touch her boobs. Billy Madison: Touch her boobs? That's assault brotha. You double dare me? Billy Madison: [walks down the bus to the teacher] Uhhh Miss Vaughn, i was wondering how long there's to get there, i need to go to the bathroom. Veronica Vaughn: Not too long now... [Billy pretends to fall on her, while groping her] Billy Madison: Oh, I'm sorry! Damn bus driver drives like an animal! Veronica Vaughn: That's ok Billy, why dont u go back to ur seat now? [smiling] Veronica Vaughn: i double dare you. Billy Madison: [Stuttering] That... tit... accident... Veronica Vaughn: Go back to your seat now. Billy Madison: ...I... Yes... [lookin embarrassed now]
40
Billy Madison: I guess that snack pack is pretty good huh? [the little kid smiles and nods] Billy Madison: Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana? [the little kid smiles and shakes his head] Billy Madison: You know how how hard I could beat you? [the kid keeps smiling and nods]
41
Brian Madison: Billy, I've got some important news for you. Billy Madison: ERIC, IS PREGNANT?
42
Veronica Vaughn: [singing] Don't I have a nice rack?
43
Tenth Grader: [after Billy pushes Eric and Eric falls over] Oh, gross... did you see that guys balls? Tenth Grader: Yeah... they were weird looking.
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