Other Titles • Dumb & Dumber • Dumb and Dumber (1994) • Dumb Happens (1994) • Misled and Uninformed (1994)
Quotes from Dumb & Dumber (1994)
1
Mary: Okay, how do you guys know each other? Lloyd: We used to be best friends. Harry: Yeah, until he turned into a back-stabber. Lloyd: Me, a back-stabber? You've got a lot of nerve. You knew I was crazy about her! Harry: Yeah, and you knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher, and that didn't stop you, did it? Lloyd: What do you mean? Harry: "What do you mean?" Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler! I guess we both learned a little something about each other today. Lloyd: You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now. Harry: You just tell me where to sign, bud. Lloyd: Right on my ass after you kiss it! Harry: You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips, right here!
(32 votes)
2
Lloyd: We got no food, no jobs... our PET'S HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!"
(32 votes)
3
Lloyd: When I met Mary, I got that old fashioned romantic feeling, where I'd do anything to bone her. Harry: That's a special feeling.
(26 votes)
4
Harry: Nice set of hooters you got there! Mary: I beg your pardon? Harry: The owls! They're beautiful!
(25 votes)
5
Lloyd: [to motorcycle cop] Tic-Tac, sir?
(22 votes)
6
[after Lloyd trades the van in for a moped] Harry: Just when I thought you couldn't get any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!
(3 votes)
7
Lloyd: Excuse me, Flo, what's the soup du jour? Flo, Waitress #1: It's The Soup of the Day. Lloyd: Mmmm... that sounds good; I'll have that.
(2 votes)
8
Harry: What's her last name? Lloyd: You know, I don't really recall. Uh, it starts with "S". Let's see. Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson? Harry: Maybe it's on the briefcase. Lloyd: Oh, yeah! [He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite] Lloyd: Here it is! "Samsonite"! I was way off! I knew it started with an "S" though.
(1 vote)
9
Mary: So you'll pick me up tonight at seven forty-five? Harry: Well I got a few things to take care of so how about quarter to eight? Mary: [Laughs] Stop it Harry: ok seven forty-five
(1 vote)
10
Harry: So you got fired again eh? Lloyd: Yeah, they always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, ya' know. Harry: Yeah, well, I lost my job too. Lloyd: Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense. Harry: No, none taken. You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred. Lloyd: Chicks love it. Its a shaggin' wagon.
11
[to the dogs in his van] Harry: OK gang, you know the rules, no humping, no licking, no sniffing hineys.
12
Harry: Check out the funbags on that hosehound. Lloyd: I'd like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a bottle of Chianti.
13
Lloyd: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this. Harry: I was thinking the same thing. Lloyd: That John Denver is full of shit, man.
14
Lloyd: If I know Mary as well as I think I do, she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.
15
Harry: Hi Lloyd! Lloyd: Hi Harry! Harry: How was your day? Lloyd: Not bad. Fell off a jet way again.
16
Harry: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip! Lloyd: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week.
17
Harry: Skis, huh? Beth: That's right! Harry: Great! They yours? Beth: Uh-huh. Harry: Both of 'em? Beth: Yes. Harry: Ah... cool!
18
Harry: Yeah, well, I don't know. These places just don't do it for me. Lloyd: What's the matter, Har? Some little filly break your heart? Harry: No, it was a girl.
19
Lloyd: Mary... I desperately wanna make love to a school boy.
20
Lloyd: That's a lovely accent... New Jersey? Lady at bus stop: It's Austrian. Lloyd: Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie! Lady at bus stop: Let's not.
21
Lloyd: This isn't my real job, you know. Mary: No? Lloyd: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up money for a pet store. I've got worms! Mary: I beg your pardon? Lloyd: I've got worms! That's what we're going to call it. We're going to specialize in selling worm farms. You know like ant farms. What's the matter, a little tense about the flight? Mary: Something like that.
22
Lloyd: Well suck me sideways!
23
Harry: Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
24
Airport Clerk: Sir, you can't go in there! Lloyd: It's ok, I'm a limo driver!
25
Harry: Once, we successfully mated a bulldog with a shiatsu. Mary: Really? Harry: Yeah, we called it a bullshit.
26
Lloyd: What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together? Mary: Not good. Lloyd: Not good like one in a hundred? Mary: I'd say more like one in a million. Lloyd: So you're telling me there's a chance?
27
Lloyd: I'm talkin' about a place where the beer flows like wine, where the women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talkin' about Aspen. Harry: I don't know Lloyd, the French are assholes.
28
Lloyd: So where are you headin'? Mary: Aspen. Lloyd: Hmmm, California! Beautiful!
29
Lloyd: I'll bet you twenty dollars I can get you gambling before the day is out! Harry: No! Lloyd: I'll give you three to one odds. Harry: No. Lloyd: Five to one. Harry: No. Lloyd: Ten to one? Harry: You're on! Lloyd: I'm gonna get ya! Harry: Nu uh! Lloyd: I don't know how but I'm gonna get ya.
30
[coming out of the 7-11] Lloyd: Hey guys. Big gulps huh. Well, see ya later.
31
Harry: Why would she have you meet her in a bar at 10 in the morning? Lloyd: I just figured she was a raging alcoholic!
32
Lloyd: Why you going to the airport, flying somewhere? Mary: How'd you guess? Lloyd: I saw your luggage, then when I noticed the airline ticket I put 2 and 2 together.
33
Sea Bass' Friend: Kick his ass, Sea Bass!
34
Lloyd: Hey, look, the Monkees. They were a huge influence on the Beatles.
35
[man and woman walk by] Harry: Ooh, look at the buns on that one... Lloyd: Yeah, he must work out.
36
Lloyd: You're it. Harry: You're it. Lloyd: You're it, quitsies! Harry: Anti-quitsies, you're it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies! Lloyd: You can't do that! Harry: Can too! Lloyd: Cannot, stamp it! Harry: Can too, double stamp it, no erasies! Lloyd: Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, Touch blue make it true. Harry: No, you can't do that... you can't triple stamp a double stamp, you can't triple stamp a double stamp! Lloyd! Lloyd: [hands over ears] LA LA LA LA LA LA! Harry: LLOYD! LLOYD! LLOYD!
37
Harry: According to the map we've only gone 4 inches.
38
Lloyd: I'm only human Harry! Come on! So we backtracked a tad! Harry: A tad? A tad, Lloyd? You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to sleep! Lloyd: Well, it's not gonna do us any good sittin' here whinin' about it.
39
Lloyd: Well, it's not gonna do us any good sittin' here whinin' about it.
40
State Trooper: Pullover! Harry: No, it's a cardigan but thanks for noticing. Lloyd: Yeah, killer boots man!
41
Harry: I can't believe it. Lloyd: Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat. Harry: But he blamed me. You heard him. Those were his last words. Lloyd: Not if you count the gurgling sound.
42
Lloyd: [sees framed newspaper article about moon landing] No Way! [chuckles] Lloyd: WE LANDED ON THE MOON!
43
[while looking back at Mary] Lloyd: There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin... Mary: Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please? Lloyd: Oh, yeah! Good thinking. Can't be too careful. Lot of bad drivers out there.
44
Mental: Gas man. How the hell did they know that I got gas?
45
Mrs. Neugeboren: Where have you been? My dogs were supposed to be here FORTY minutes ago! Now, I hardly have any time to primp them! Harry: Don't worry about a thing, Mrs. Noogieburger. Mrs. Neugeboren: NEUGEBOREN!
46
Dale's Man: They're driving an '84... Sheepdog.
47
Lloyd: Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?
48
Beth: So I told myself. Beth you just got to run girl and oh you know what that clutz did next? Lloyd: No and I DON'T CARE!
49
Lloyd: We don't usually pick up hitchhikers... but I'm-a gonna go with my instincts on this one. Saddle up partner!
50
[checking Harry & Lloyd's apartment] Mental: Briefcase ain't here, they must've taken it with them. J.P. Shay: Well, he's gotta come home sometime. Mental: Maybe we should trash the place, send them a little message. J.P. Shay: [looks around] I don't think he's gonna get that message Joe, I mean, the guy's got worms in his living room.
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