Dante Hicks: You said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him! Veronica Loughran: Because I never HAD sex with him. Dante Hicks: You sucked his dick! Veronica Loughran: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around. Dante Hicks: Oh my God, WHY did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys? Veronica Loughran: Because I DID only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people. Dante Hicks: Oh my God, I feel so nauseous! Veronica Loughran: I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood! Dante Hicks: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said! Veronica Loughran: Please calm down. Dante Hicks: How many? Veronica Loughran: Dante... Dante Hicks: How many dicks have you sucked? Veronica Loughran: Let it go! Dante Hicks: How many? Veronica Loughran: All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked! Dante Hicks: This is different, this is important. How many? [long pause as customer buys something] Dante Hicks: Well? Veronica Loughran: Something like... 36. Dante Hicks: What? Something like 36? Veronica Loughran: Lower your voice. Dante Hicks: Wait a minute, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that INCLUDE me? Veronica Loughran: Ummm... 37. Dante Hicks: I'm 37?
(4 votes)
2
Dante Hicks: You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today! Randal Graves: Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself. "I'm not even supposed to be here today." [throws stuff at Dante] Randal Graves: You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can just waltz in here and do our jobs. You-You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work in a shitty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us, we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, god forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?
(3 votes)
3
Randal Graves: You know who I could do without? I could do without the people in the video store. Dante Hicks: Which ones? Randal Graves: All of them. [a series of vignettes] Bed Wetting Dad: What would you get for a six-year-old who chronically wets his bed? Video Confusion Customer: So, do you have any new releases in? [zoom out to see a huge sign that says "NEW RELEASES" directly above her] Low I.Q. Video Customer: Do you have that one with that guy who was in the movie that was out last year? Randal Graves: They never rent quality flicks. They always pick the most intellectually devoid movies on the rack. Low I.Q. Video Customer: OOOOH! NAVY SEALS! Randal Graves: It's like in order to join, they have to have an I.Q. that's less than their shoe size. Dante Hicks: You think you get stupid questions? You should hear the barrage of stupid questions I get. [more vignettes] Cold Coffee Lover: What do mean there's no ice? You mean I gotta drink this coffee hot? Candy Confusion Customer: So how much is this thing anyway? [zoom out to see a huge "EVERYTHING ONLY 99¢" sign behind her] Hubcap Searching Customer: Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh, Mini-Trucker Magazine!
(3 votes)
4
Dante Hicks: It wasn't me. Caitlin Bree: [scoffs] Yeah, right. Who was it? Randal? Dante Hicks: [to Randal] Was it you? Randal Graves: I was up here the whole time. Caitlin Bree: You two better quit it. Dante Hicks: I'm serious. Caitlin Bree: So, we didn't jus have sex in the bathroom? Dante Hicks: No. Caitlin Bree: Stop it. This isn't funny. Dante Hicks: I'm not kidding. I just came in from outside. Caitlin Bree: This isn't fucking funny Dante! Dante Hicks: I'm not fooling around! [to Randal] Dante Hicks: Who went back there? Randal Graves: Nobody, I swear! Caitlin Bree: I feel nauseous. Dante Hicks: Are you sure there's somebody back there? Caitlin Bree: Well I didn't just fuck myself! Jesus Christ, I think I'm gonna be sick! Randal Graves: You just fucked a total stranger? Dante Hicks: Shut the fuck up! Caitlin Bree: I can't belive this... Dante Hicks: Call the police! Caitlin Bree: No, don't! Randal Graves: Why? Dante Hicks: Because there's a stranger in our bathroom and he just raped Caitlin! Randal Graves: But she said that she did all the work. Dante Hicks: Would you shut the fuck up! Who the fuck's in our bathroom?
(2 votes)
5
Dante Hicks: Hey, whatcha rent? [reads the cover to Randal's videotape] Dante Hicks: "Best of Both Worlds"? Randal Graves: Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame. Dante Hicks: And you rented this? Randal Graves: Hey, I like to expand my horizons.
(3 votes)
6
Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"? Dante Hicks: "Empire". Randal Graves: Blasphemy! Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.
(3 votes)
7
Randal Graves: Melodrama coming from you is about as natural as an oral bowel movement.
(2 votes)
8
Jay: I've had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and shit.
(2 votes)
9
Randal Graves: So your argument is that title dictates behavior? Dante Hicks: What? Randal Graves: The reason you won't let me borrow your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right? Dante Hicks: Exactly. Tabloid Reading Customer: I saw one, one time, that said the world was ending the next week. Then in the next week's paper, they said we were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a Koala-fish mutant bird. Crazy shit. Randal Graves: So I'm no more responsible for my own decisions while I'm here at work than, say, the Death Squad soldiers in Bosnia? Dante Hicks: That's stretching it. You're not being asked to slay children or anything. Randal Graves: Not yet. [takes a drink of water] Tabloid Reading Customer: And I remember this one time the damn paper said... [Randal spits water at him] Tabloid Reading Customer: I'm going to break your fucking head! You fucking jerk-off! Dante Hicks: Sir! Sir, I'm sorry! He didn't mean it! He meant to hit me. Tabloid Reading Customer: Well, he missed! Dante Hicks: I know. I'm sorry. Here, let me refund your money, and we'll call it even. Tabloid Reading Customer: I'll never come in here again. [to Randal] Tabloid Reading Customer: And if I ever see you again, I'm gonna break your fucking head open! [Randal salutes him, customer leaves] Dante Hicks: What'd you do that for? Randal Graves: Two reasons: one, I hate when the people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines. Dante Hicks: Jesus! Randal Graves: And two, to make a point: title does not dictate behavior. If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit a mouthful of water at that guy. But I did, so my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Hence, even though I'm a clerk in this video store, I choose to go rent videos at Big Choice. Agreed? [Dante gives Randal his car keys] Dante Hicks: You're a danger to both the dead and the living. Randal Graves: I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny. Dante Hicks: Please, get the hell out of here. Randal Graves: Oh, come on. You know I'm your hero.
(2 votes)
10
Coroner: My only question is how did she come to have sex with the dead guy? Dante Hicks: She thought it was me. Coroner: What kind of convenience store do you run here?
(2 votes)
11
Caitlin Bree: Can I use the bathroom? Randal Graves: Sure, but there's no light back there. Caitlin Bree: Why arn't there any lights? Randal Graves: Well, there are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14 every night. Nobody can figure it out. And the boss doesn't want to pay the electrician to fix it, because the electrician owes money to the video store. Caitlin Bree: Such a sordid state of affairs. Randal Graves: And I'm caught right in the middle - torn between my loyalty to the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on. Caitlin Bree: Well, I'll try to manage. Randal Graves: Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal.
(2 votes)
12
Caitlin Bree: I'm offering you my body and you're offering me semantics.
[after losing a hockey ball from the roof] Dante Hicks: Are there any balls down there? Jay: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!
(2 votes)
15
[last lines] Dante Hicks: What, did you forget something? Oh, I'm sorry, we're closed. [gunshot]
(2 votes)
16
Dante Hicks: I thought I told you not to be dealing in front of the store. Jay: I ain't dealin', man, what you talkin' about? Willam Black: Hey, man, you got anything? Jay: Yeah, man, what you want?
(2 votes)
17
Jay: I feel good today, Silent Bob, we're gonna make some money, then you know what we're going to do? We're gonna go to that party, and we're gonna get some pussy, and I'm gonna fuck this bitch, and fuck this bitch, I'll fuck ANYTHING THAT MOVES! What the fuck you lookin at, I'll kick yo fuckin ass! Shit yeah. Doesn't that fucker owe me 10 bucks? You know, fuckin tonight, we're gonna rip off that fucker's head, and take out his fuckin' SOUL. Hey, what's up baby, what's up, sluts?
(3 votes)
18
Randal Graves: My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad.
(3 votes)
19
[repeated line] Dante Hicks: I'm not supposed to be here today!
(2 votes)
20
Dante Hicks: You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie. Randal Graves: [reading a magazine] Have you ever wondered how much the average jizz-mopper makes per hour? Dante Hicks: What's a jizz-mopper? Randal Graves: He's the guy that cleans up the nudie booth after each guy jerks off. Dante Hicks: Nudie booth? Randal Graves: Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth? Dante Hicks: I guess not. Randal Graves: Oh, it's great. There's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like 10 bucks. Dante Hicks: What kinda show? [Customer walks up to counter with a bottle of glass cleaner and a roll of paper towels] Randal Graves: They do the weirdest, craziest shit you like to see chicks do. They insert things into any opening on their body - ANY opening. Dante Hicks: Could we not talk about this right now? Randal Graves: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away. Offended Customer: I will never come to this place again! Dante Hicks: I'm sorry? Offended Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired! Dante Hicks: I'm sorry, I guess we got carried away. Offended Customer: I don't know if sorry could make up for it, you've highly offended me. Randal Graves: Well if you thinks that's offensive, check this out! [Shows him graphic picture from porn mag] Randal Graves: I think you can see her kidneys!
(2 votes)
21
Indecisive Video Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good... are either one of these any good? [Randal ignores her] Randal Graves: What? Indecisive Video Customer: Are either one of these any good? Randal Graves: I don't watch movies. Indecisive Video Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them? Randal Graves: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs. Indecisive Video Customer: You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these? Randal Graves: Nope. Indecisive Video Customer: [Turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two? Randal Graves: Oh, they suck. Indecisive Video Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention! Randal Graves: No, I wasn't. Indecisive Video Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate... Randal Graves: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am. Indecisive Video Customer: I beg your pardon? Randal Graves: Your ruse; your cunning attempt to trick me. Indecisive Video Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying! Randal Graves: And, I hope it feels good. Indecisive Video Customer: You hope WHAT feels good? Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there? Indecisive Video Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here! Randal Graves: You'll be missed. Indecisive Video Customer: Screw you! [leaves] Randal Graves: [runs to the door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
22
Silent Bob: [His only line] You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.
23
Randal Graves: People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom."
24
Dante Hicks: Yeah, I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean that's what high school was about, algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity.
25
Dante Hicks: All right, so even if independent contractors are working on the Death Star, why are you uneasy with its destruction?
26
Dante Hicks: My girlfriend's sucked 37 dicks! Customer with Diapers: In a row?
27
Dante Hicks: Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!
28
Randal Graves: This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.
29
Caged Animal Masturbator: It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.
30
Dante Hicks: But you hate people. Randal Graves: Yes, but I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?
31
Chewlies Gum Rep: It's that kind of mentality that allows the cancer-producing industry to survive. Of course we're all going to die someday, but do we have to pay for it? Do we actually have to throw hard-earned dollars on the counter and say, "Please, Mr. Merchant of Death, sir, please, sell me something that will stink up my breath and my clothes and fry my lungs?"
32
Dante Hicks: What's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?
33
[Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter] 'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: Excuse me, do you sell videos? Randal Graves: Yeah, what're you looking for? 'Happy-Scrappy' Kid: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup. Randal Graves: Okay, hang on, I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure we got it. What was it called again? 'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup. 'Happy-Scrappy' Kid: Happy Scrappy... 'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: She loves it. Randal Graves: Obviously. Yeah, hello, this is RST Video, customer number 4352, I need to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers", "My Cunt Needs Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns III", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum On Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum", "Girls Who Crave Cock", "Girls Who Crave Cunt", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", and, uh, oh yeah, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock". Uh-huh... yeah... Oh, wait, and, what was that called again?
34
Jay: I don't care if she's my cousin or not, I'm gonna knock those boots again tonight.
35
Sanford: Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade. Dante Hicks: If you grab a Gatorade, then everyone's gonna grab one. Sanford: So? Dante Hicks: So, who's gonna pay for all these Gatorades? Sanford: What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling motherfucker? Dante Hicks: Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks. Sanford: Responsibility? What responsibility? You're closing the fucking store to play hockey! Randal Graves: He's blunt, but he's got a point. Dante Hicks: Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here? Sanford: No, all I'm sayin' is that if you're gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the full nine, not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink. Randal Graves: He's right, as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on Gatorade. Sanford: Fuckin' A! Dante Hicks: All right! Jesus! You fuckers are pushy!
36
Dante Hicks: Embolism in a pool, what an embarrassing way to die. Randal Graves: That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died. Dante Hicks: How did he go? Randal Graves: He broke his neck. Dante Hicks: You call that embarrassing? Randal Graves: He broke his neck while trying to suck his own dick!
Blue Collar Man: Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but what are you talking about? Randal Graves: The ending of "Return of the Jedi". Dante Hicks: My friend here is trying to convince me that any independent contractors working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.
40
Olaf Oleeson: [singing] My love for you is like a truck, BERZERKER! Would you like some making fuck, BERZERKER! Jay: [snickering] That's pretty fucking funny. Jay's Lady Friend: Did he just say "making fuck"?
41
Dante Hicks: Somebody put gum in the locks. Randal Graves: Buncha savages in this town. Dante Hicks: That's what I said.
42
[about Silent Bob's Russian Cousin] Jay's Lady Friend: He only speaks Russian? Jay: Naw, he speaks some English, but he can't not speak it good like we do.
43
Sanford: Hey, I hear Caitlin's marrying an Asian drum major. Randal Graves: Design major. Dante Hicks: Can we not talk about this right now? Sanford: Fine by me, but you're living in denial and suppressing rage, motherfucker!
44
Dante Hicks: No. I have to leave early to pick up Caitlin. In which case, you're going to have to lock up the store tonight. Randal Graves: All right, but you're missing out. Chicks with dicks!
45
Randal Graves: Oh what, what's with you, man? You haven't said anything for like twenty minutes. What the hell's you're problem? Dante Hicks: This life. Randal Graves: This life? Dante Hicks: Why do I have this life? Randal Graves: Have some chips, you'll feel better. Dante Hicks: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than a slave wages. Working on my day off, the goddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward ass fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has suck 36 dicks. Randal Graves: 37
46
[Randall is watching hermaphroditic porn] Caitlin Bree: What are you watching? Randal Graves: Children's programming.
47
Randal Graves: Listen to you, you're so repressed. Dante Hicks: What? Because I never tried to suck my own dick?
48
Randal Graves: Some guy came into the store refusing to pay late fees. Said the store was closed for two hours yesterday. I tore up his membership. Dante Hicks: Shocking abuse of authority. Randal Graves: Hey, I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.
49
[on his past relationship with Caitlin] Dante Hicks: She was supposed to meet Brad Michaelson in a dark bedroom. She picked the wrong one. She didn't even know I was at the party. Randal Graves: Oh my God. Dante Hicks: Great story, huh? Randal Graves: That girl was vile to you. Dante Hicks: Interesting post script to that story - you know who wound up with Brad in that dark bedroom? Randal Graves: Your mother? Dante Hicks: Alan Harris. Randal Graves: Chess team Alan Harris? Dante Hicks: The two moved to Idaho shortly after graduation. They raise sheep. Randal Graves: That's frightening. Dante Hicks: Takes different strokes to move the world. Randal Graves: In light of this, I don't see how you can romanticize your relationship with Caitlin. She broke your heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles.
50
Randal Graves: Fine then, just let me borrow your car. Dante Hicks: What for? Randal Graves: I want to go rent a movie. What was that? Dante Hicks: You work at a video store! Randal Graves: I work at a shitty video store! I want to go to a good video store and get a good movie!
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