"My name is John Johnson, but everyone here calls me Vicki." --Alcatraz Park Ranger (Phil Hartman)
(21 votes)
2
John Johnson: Now this is something the other tour guides won't tell you. In this particular cell-block, Machine Gun Kelly had what we call in the prison system, a "bitch". And one night in a jealous rage Kelly took a make-shift knife or "shiv", and cut out the bitch's eyes. And as if this wasn't enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns pissing into the bitch's ocular cavities. (short pause) This way to the cafeteria!
(17 votes)
3
Charlie Mackenzie: Maybe it is late. You know, I'll be honest with you, I had a great time tonight and I'd really love to kiss you but I think that if I kiss you we'll end up kissing on the couch and if we end up kissing on the couch then chances are we'll kiss in the bedroom and if we kiss in the bedroom then, you know, that's the part I always rush into and I just don't think it's a good idea to rush into spending the night together. Harriet Michaels: I wanna spend the night together. Charlie Mackenzie: I have no problem with that!
(17 votes)
4
"They make me horny/Saturday morny/Girls of cartoon/Led me to ruin." -- Charlie Mackenzie (Mike Myers) reciting one of his poems, which confronts the influence that Betty Rubble and Josie and the Pussycats have had on his life.
(15 votes)
5
"Kiss your mother, or I'll tear your lungs out." -- Stuart Mackenzie (Mike Myers)
(15 votes)
6
Harriet Michaels: Do you actually like haggis? Charlie Mackenzie: No, I think it's repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
(1 vote)
7
"Head! Move that melon of yours and take your mother the paper if you can, hauling that gargantuan cranium about!"-- Stuart Mackenzie (Myers)
8
Police Chief: You know that woman that confessed to the murder? Tony Giardino: What about her? Police Chief: It just so happens that she confessed to some other murders. Tony Giardino: I thought she would. Police Chief: She confessed to the murders of Abraham Lincoln, Julius Caesar, and Warren G. Harding. She's a nutcase!
9
May Mackenzie: You've turned into a right sexy wee bastard. Hasn't he? Charlie Mackenzie: I think so.
10
Charlie Mackenzie: Woman... woe-man... whoooa-man. She was a thief, you got to believe, she stole my heart and my cat. Judy, Betty, Josie and those hot Pussycats... they made me horny, on Saturday morning... girls of cartoo-ins will leave me in ruins... I want to to be Betty's Barney. Jane... get me off this crazy thing... called love.
11
Stuart Mackenzie: Now go and kiss your mother or I'll kick your TEETH in!
12
Alcatraz Guide: My name is John Johnson but everyone here calls me Vicki.
13
Charlie Mackenzie: So Tony, what's the deal with your clothes? Tony Giardino: What do ya mean? Charlie Mackenzie: I mean you look like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch. Tony Giardino: What are ya talking about, I look hip! Charlie Mackenzie: No no no no no no no, you look like an undercover cop TRYING to look hip. Tony Giardino: I AM an undercover cop trying to look hip.
14
May Mackenzie: Charlie, hand me the paper. Charlie Mackenzie: Mom, I find it interesting that you call The Weekly World News "the paper." A paper contains facts.
15
Charlie Mackenzie: Dad, how can you hate "The Colonel"? Stuart Mackenzie: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!
16
Charlie Mackenzie: I like the night life. I like to boogie.
17
Charlie Mackenzie: Harriet! Har-ee-et. Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis.
18
Stuart Mackenzie: Well, it's a well known fact, Sunny Jim, that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentaveret, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows. Tony Giardino: So who's in this Pentaveret? Stuart Mackenzie: The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, *and* Colonel Sanders before he went heads up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee *beady* eye! And that smug look on his face, "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!"
19
Harriet Michaels: So bright women intimidate you? Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, no, no, no, no, not at all. But it's a shame I'm going to have to destroy you.
20
Charlie Mackenzie: Marry me. Harriet: No. Charlie Mackenzie: Please?
21
Charlie Mackenzie: I think I'm dating Mrs. X!
22
Harriet Michaels: What do you look for in a woman you date? Charlie Mackenzie: Well, I know everyone always says sense of humor, but I'd really have to go with breast size.
23
Charlie Mackenzie: You know, Scotland has its own martial arts. Yeah, it's called Fuck You. It's mostly just head butting and then kicking people when they're on the ground.
24
Tony Giardino: Charlie, two words: therapy.
25
Charlie Mackenzie: Excuse me, miss? There seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the *large* cappuccino. *Hello!* Look at the size of this thing. It's like Campbell's Cup-O-Chino!
26
Stuart Mackenzie: Would ya look at the size of that kid's head! It's the size of a planetoid and it has it's own weather system! Looks like an orange on a toothpick!
27
Stuart Mackenzie: I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Aye, now that was offsides, now wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.
28
Stuart Mackenzie: Let's get pissed!
29
Tony Giardino: Excuse me sir, I'm with the San Francisco police department, this is official police business. I would like to commandeer this vehicle! Commandeered Driver: No. Tony Giardino: What do you mean, "no"? Commandeered Driver: I happen to know for a fact that you have no right to commandeer my vehicle. Tony Giardino: Please, can I commandeer this vehicle? Commandeered Driver: No. Tony Giardino: You're just not going to bend on this commandeering thing are you? Commandeered Driver: No.
30
Charlie Mackenzie: I was afraid you were going to kil - leave me. Harriet Michaels: You were afraid I was going to cleave you?
31
Charlie Mackenzie: How many people have you brutally murdered? Harriet Michaels: Well, brutal's a subjective term. What's brutal to one person might be entirely reasonable to someone else.
32
Charlie Mackenzie: Harriet. Harry-ette. Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis. Beautiful, bemused, bellicose butcher. Un-trust... ing. Un-know... ing. Un-love... ed? "He wants you back," he screamed into the night air like a firefighter going to a window that has no fire... except the passion of his heart. I am lonely. It's really hard. This poem... sucks.
33
Stuart Mackenzie: We've got a piper down, I repeat, the piper is DOWN!
34
Stuart Mackenzie: HEAD! PANTS! NOW!
35
Charlie Mackenzie: I'm smitten. I'm in deep smit.
36
Charlie Mackenzie: Woman! Woah-man! Wooaahhhhh-man! We had love, not just sex. Is she Mrs. X? I had to run for my life...
37
Charlie Mackenzie: Come, let us dance like children of the night!
38
Charlie Mackenzie: No, I tend to follow the Judao-Christian ethic of "Thou shalt not kill". But, that's just me.
39
Rose Michaels: Let me make you some breakfast. Charlie Mackenzie: Oh, gee, you know, I'd love to. But you know, I'm really running late, but thanks! Rose Michaels: What would you say to silver-dollar pancakes, fresh-squeezed orange juice, bacon, and Kona coffee? Charlie Mackenzie: Well, that sounds great! [Cut to Rose pouring cereal in Charlie's bowl] Rose Michaels: Sorry. I didn't have those other things. Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, that's fine. That other stuff will probably kill you... whereas "Froot Loops" are light, and reasonably high in fiber. I care for "Apple Jacks" a great deal.
40
Obituary Writer: There's another one here. Native San Franciscan. Plumber. Elliot, Ralph. Moved to Dallas, disappeared four months ago, body was found in a sewer. Obituary Employee: Well, guy takes his job too seriously, life goes down the drain. [both laugh] Charlie Mackenzie: Did they mention anything about his wife? Obituary Employee: All right, okay. Look, I know that we're talking about real people here. I'm sorry. Charlie Mackenzie: No no, I'm serious. Did they mention the wife? Obituary Employee: Look, I'm sorry you know. You know, I didn't mean to make a joke about other people's lives. Charlie Mackenzie: No no, I'm really serious. Did they mention the wife? Obituary Employee: You win, you win okay? I'm a bad person! Obituary Writer: Just take it easy! Obituary Employee: No, he's sayin' I'm insensitive! He's sayin' I'm a shit! Obituary Writer: He's not sayin' you're a shit! Charlie Mackenzie: [yelling] Did they mention the wife? Did they mention the wife? Obituary Employee: No! No! They didn't mention the wife! Ya happy? [speaking to the whole office] Obituary Employee: YEAH! Oh yes, yeah. I'm insensitive! I'm a very insensitive man! Stop you're job, look at the insensitive man! That's what they're paying you for! [leaves] Obituary Writer: He was my ride home. Charlie Mackenzie: Understood...
41
[Tony is riding in a plane at night in a storm] Tony Giardino: Hey listen. How long is it gonna take us to get there? Pilot: Shouldn't take very long. [pause] Pilot: Actually I have no concept of time. Tony Giardino: Geez, is this dangerous? Pilot: No. Well, you know there's a chance in everything. Tony Giardino: Look I don't wanna get too personal or anything but you've done this before, right? Pilot: Oh yeah, yeah. I do this all the time. [pause] Pilot: I've never done it at night.
42
Tony Giardino: How do you even know where we're going? Pilot: Instruments, instruments! Tony Giardino: Oh yeah? Well what's that then? [points to an instrument] Pilot: That's the artificial horizon. It's better than the actual horizon.
43
Tony Giardino: [the pilot is asleep] Wake up! What are you doing? Pilot: What? Whoa! Ooooh... Man I had the weirdest dream. I was just born. And I was 8 and a half months premature. The doctors were freakin' out! Tony Giardino: Shut up! Pilot: Did I already tell you this dream?
44
Charlie Mackenzie: Name one bad thing you've done, and it better be evil. Harriet Michaels: How evil? Charlie Mackenzie: Really evil. Like you would say it was E-VEEL, like it's the FRU-EETS of the DEV-EEL.
45
Stuart Mackenzie: [after Charlie has stayed all night at Stuart's house, and is finally leaving] Fine. Go. You've stayed your hour.
46
Stuart Mackenzie: [as Harriet is meeting Charlie's parents for the first time] Show her the picture of Charlie when he shit his pants at Niagara Falls!
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