Other Titles • Loaded Weapon 1 • National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1 (1993)
Quotes from Loaded Weapon 1 (1993)
1
Jack Colt: Claire and I rode together for seven years. Wes Luger: York and I were in academy together. Then we partnered for five years. Before that, we dodged the draft together. Before that, we played high school football together. Before that, we were in grade school together. And before that, we breast fed together.
2
Colt: Nice weather? You think we're having... nice weather? I guess you didn't lose the only one that meant anything in your life. I guess you don't feel burned out by the human misery and despair perpetrated by the criminal vermin that infest every pore of this decaying city, forcing you to guzzle cheap wine and cheaper whiskey to dull the pain that shatters your heart, rips at your soul, and keeps your days forever gray. What flavor Icee you got today?
3
Colt: Give me a name! Beckard: Weren't your parents supposed to do that?
4
Capt. Doyle: Don't be so fast to thank me on this, Luger, because you're going to be naked on this one. It's on the line for you. People are going to be watching. Now you blow it, you're going down. You screw up, you're going to be hung out to dry. You drop the ball, you're going to be left twisting in the wind. If you embarrass this department, your pants will be dancing with figs. Is that clear? Luger: Everything except for the dancing with figs part!
5
Valet: You got anything smaller? Wes Luger: Keep it. Valet: Anything larger?
6
Gen. Morters: Half the payment now. Half tomorrow. Half on delivery.
7
Luger: There's something between you and this General Morters. Colt: He was my C.O. in NAM. CIA listed him as M.I.A. but the V.A. ID'd him and so we put out an APB. Luger: Oh, I see.
8
Luger: I don't think York was a suicide. She was on to something. Boss: On something is more likely. You know as well as I that this guy's cookies were laced with cocaine. Luger: No wonder I couldn't eat just one.
9
Wes Luger: We're investigating a felony, Miss Demeanor.
10
Becker: Do you sleep in the nude? Miss Destiny Demeanor: Only when I'm naked
11
Dr. Harrold Leacher: Quid pro quo Mr Colt. Colt: What does that mean? Dr. Harrold Leacher: It means I'm pretentious.
12
Colt: So what are you doing here? Miss Destiny Demeanor: Waiting for you. Colt: I mean, what brought you here? Miss Destiny Demeanor: A taxi. Colt: Yeah, but why? Miss Destiny Demeanor: My car's in the shop. Colt: I mean... Why the hell did you come here? Miss Destiny Demeanor: The police station would have made me nervous. Colt: You better go.
13
[Colt and Luger's car blows up] Colt: Good thing we took valet. Luger: Taxi! [the taxi blows up] Colt: I guess we're making somebody nervous. But I'll tell you this: It's gonna take a helluva lot more than a couple of car bombs to get us off of this case. Luger: Not a helluva lot more.
14
[Mr. Jigsaw is holding a gun to Sgt. Colt's head] Sgt. Jack Colt: Who are you? Mr. Jigsaw: I'm your worst nightmare. Sgt. Jack Colt: No, waking up without my penis is my worst nightmare. Mr. Jigsaw: Okay, allright, so I'm not actually your worst nightmare. But I am right up there.
15
Gen. Morters: Where's the microfilm, Mike? Mike: I don't know, I gave it to York. I thought she was one of your men. Gen. Morters: Act in haste, repent in leisure. Mike: But he who hesitates is lost. Gen. Morters: Never judge a book by its cover. Mike: What you see is what you get. Gen. Morters: Loose lips, sink ships... Mike: Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing or fighting, my friend. [Gen. Morters, cornered, looks to Mr. Jigsaw] Mike: [Mr. Jigsaw consults Bartlett's Familiar Quotations, shakes his head] Gen. Morters: Sorry Mike, no good.
16
Becker: What? I don't know nothin'. I didn't see nothin'. I ain't say nothin'. Wes Luger: Nothing, the word is nothing, not nothin'. There's an i-n-g on the end of it. Nothing. Becker: Ok, nothing. Nothiiing. Nothiiiiiiiiiiing. Ok, you happy? Wes Luger: That's better.
17
Colt: I gotta know... what *does* human flesh taste like? Dr. Harrold Leacher: Chicken.
18
Man in helicopter: [after shooting up a trailer home which then blows up, a man then rises from the flaming wreakage] Is this 1014 Pacific coast Highway? John McClane, 814 Pacific Coast Highway: HUH? Man in helicopter: 1014 Pacific coast Highway? John McClane, 814 Pacific Coast Highway: NO! NO THIS IS 814 PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY! 1014 IS TWO BLOCKS OVER THERE! Man in helicopter: Sorry! My mistake! John McClane, 814 Pacific Coast Highway: [sarcastically] NO PROBLEM! NO PROBLEM!
19
Hotel Clerk: That her? Wes Luger: No, that's a picture.
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