Daniel: Could you make me a woman? Frank: Honey, I'm so happy.
(21 votes)
2
Mrs. Doubtfire: [discussing her deceased husband] Winston was very fond of the drink... [pause, choked up] Mrs. Doubtfire: 'twas the drink that killed him. Miranda: Oh, how terrible, he was an alcoholic? Mrs. Doubtfire: No, he was hit by a Guinness truck.
(21 votes)
3
Daniel: I got off early. Lydie: You mean you got fired? Daniel: No, I quit. For reasons of conscience. Lydie: Actors. Daniel: [to his son] Hey dude! Congratulations on your twelfth birthday, all right! Got a surprise for you! Chris: Ooh, a stripper? Daniel: No, please! Chris: *Two* strippers? Daniel: Haw, boy!
(20 votes)
4
Daniel: [Asking about making his woman costume look older] How about Joan Collins? Frank: I don't think I have the strength. But I do have some plaster.
(20 votes)
5
[Trying to get false teeth out of glass] Mrs. Doubtfire: Carpe dentum. Seize the teeth.
(20 votes)
6
[Daniel is talking to Miranda on the phone about the job] Daniel: Ahhhhhhhh! Leila, get back to your cage; don't make me get the hose! [gets back on the phone] Daniel: Hello? [Miranda hangs up]
(3 votes)
7
Daniel: Ever wish you could freeze frame a moment in your day, and look at it and say "this is not my life"?
8
Mrs. Doubtfire: You see that Nattie, that's called liposuction.
9
Mrs. Doubtfire: [hits Stu with a lime, then accuses "Some angry member of the kitchen staff"] It was a run-by fruiting.
10
Lou: You can't put words in Pudgy's mouth if his mouth isn't moving. Daniel: Well, it's a voice-over. An interior monologue. Maybe even the voice of God, that's even better. [as God] Daniel: No, Pudgy, don't smoke! Lou: Actors. Daniel: What? Well let's ask the technicians. Do you think its morally right to promote smoking to the youth of America? [the three technicians are smoking. One man shrugs] Daniel: They're biased. That's a mistrial. Lou: Daniel listen to me, this session is costing the studio thousands of dollars. Now if you want a paycheck, you stick to the script. If you wanna play Gandhi, then do it on somebody else's time. Daniel: [Imitating Gandhi] Then I've got to do what I've got to do. Lou: That's very funny. Where the hell are you going? Hey listen buddy, I'll tell you something, if you leave, you're not getting back in. I'm not taking any crap from you, pal. Daniel: Well, in the words of Porky Pig, "Pi pi pi pi pi piss off, Lou."
11
[the kids finding out their father is Mrs. Doubtfire] Lydie: Who did this? Daniel: Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack.
12
Frank: [on the phone with his mother and gets sidetracked by a man mask Jack is making] Enough already, it's a man. Jack: How would you know? Frank: Bitch. Evelyn Hillard: This is your mother you're talking to. Frank: [interrupting] No Ma, not you, I was talking about the dog.
13
Miranda: The whole time? I mean the whole time? I have to go. I have to go.
14
Daniel: Hello, my name is Ilsa Immelmann. And I want to know, how many children do you have? Miranda: I have two girls and a boy. Daniel: Ah, a boy. I don't work with the males, because I used to be one. [Miranda hangs up the phone] Miranda: Yikes.
15
Daniel: I feel like Gloria Swanson. Frank: You look like her mother. Daniel: I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.
16
Frank: [Daniel's Mrs. Doubtfire mask has been run over by a truck] Would you be careful with this one? She's an old woman. [Daniel leaves] Frank: Why wasn't I an only child?
17
[referring to her deceased husband] Mrs. Doubtfire: Poor Winston's idea of foreplay was, "Brace yourself, Effie."
18
Mrs. Doubtfire: Sink the sub. Hide the weasel. Park the porpoise. A bit of the old Humpty Dumpty, Little Jack Horny, the Horizontal Mambo, hmm? The Bone Dancer, Rumpleforeskin, Baloney Bop, a bit of the cunning linguisitics? Stu: Mrs. Doubtfire, please. Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh I'm sorry, am I being a little graphic? I'm sorry. Well, I hope you're up for a little competition. She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her own personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that thing. She uses it and the lights dim, it's like a prison movie. Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth.
19
[Mrs. Doubtfire is trying to discourage Miranda's new suiter] Mrs. Doubtfire: I hope you bring cocktail sauce. She's got the crabs dear and I don't mean Dungeness.
20
Daniel: [to the toy dinosaurs] Take five. Take five million. You're dead.
21
[a mugger is trying to steal Mrs. Doubtfire's purse] Mrs. Doubtfire: [masculine voice] Back off asshole! Beat it! [back to feminine voice] Mrs. Doubtfire: Broke my bag, the bastard!
22
Miranda: Hello? Daniel: I am job. Miranda: I beg you a pardon? Daniel: I... am... job. Miranda: Do you speak English? Daniel: I am job! Miranda: Sorry, the position has been filled. [Hangs up]
23
Mrs. Doubtfire: I can hip-hop, be-bop, dance till ya drop, and yo yo yo, make a mean cup of coco.
24
Daniel: [as fake ad respondent] So, are your kids well behaved or do they need like a couple of light slams every now and then?
25
Chris: You don't really like wearing that stuff, do you Dad?
26
Lydie: This is exploitation. It's not fair! Natalie: Shut up, Lydie.
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