Alan: Do I frighten you? Mrs. Vanderhoff: No. Alan: Do you want me to?
(3 votes)
2
Tiny: Wayne. How you doin'? Wayne Campbell: Hey, Tiny, who's playing today? Tiny: Jolly Green Giants and the Shitty Beetles. Wayne Campbell: Shitty Beetles? Are they any good? Tiny: They suck. Wayne Campbell: Then it's not just a clever name.
(2 votes)
3
Wayne Campbell: [after Ben orders Chinese food speaking Cantonese] This guy is good. Benjamin: I picked up a little Cantonese while I was in the Orient. You know, you sound a lot like you're from Kowloon Bay as opposed to Hong Kong. Cassandra: I waw *born* in Kowloon Bay! Benjamin: There you have it! Wayne Campbell: This guy is really good.
(2 votes)
4
[Talking about Claudia Schiffer] Wayne Campbell: She's a babe. Garth Algar: She's magically babelicious. Wayne Campbell: She tested very high on the stroke-ability scale.
(1 vote)
5
[Instead of saying "Excuse me, I beg your pardon?"] Wayne Campbell: Ex-squeeze me? Baking powder?
(1 vote)
6
Cassandra: Yeah, and if a frog had wings it wouldn't bump its ass when it hopped. Wayne Campbell: Interesting. Where did you learn English? Cassandra: College... and the Police Academy movies.
(1 vote)
7
Garth Algar: [describing his feelings of the new set] It's like a new pair of underwear. At first, it's constrictive. But after awhile it becomes a part of you. [the Vanderhoffs give him an odd look] Garth Algar: I gotta go.
(1 vote)
8
Garth Algar: Benjamin is nobody's friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick.
9
Garth Algar: "Who's trying to kill you, Mr. Donut-head Man?" "I don't know, but he better not."
10
Wayne Campbell: Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.
11
Wayne Campbell: All I have to say about that is "asphinctersayswhat". Arcade owner: What? Wayne Campbell: Exactly.
12
Garth Algar: Uhm, Wayne? What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you're gonna hurl? Wayne Campbell: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.
13
Wayne Campbell: Am I supposed to be a man, am I supposed to say, it's OK, I don't mind. I don't mind. Well I mind! I mind big time? And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ. Cassandra: Is that true? Wayne Campbell: Yes, everything except the reading part.
14
Wayne Campbell: I mean, Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes that every one liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.
15
Garth Algar: Did you ever see that "Twilight Zone" where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool, huh?
16
Stacy: Happy anniversary, Wayne. Wayne Campbell: Stacy, we broke up two months ago. Stacy: Well, that doesn't mean we can't still go out, does it? Wayne Campbell: Well, it does actually, that's what breaking up is.
17
Stacy: Well, don't you want to open your present? Wayne Campbell: If it's a severed head I'm going to be very upset Stacy: Open it. Wayne Campbell: What is it? Stacy: It's a gun rack. Wayne Campbell: A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack? Stacy: You don't like it? Fine. You know Wayne, if you're not careful, you're going to lose me. Wayne Campbell: I lost you 2 months ago. We broke up. Are you mental? Get the net!
18
Benjamin: Wayne! Listen, we need to have a talk about Vanderhoff. The fact is he's the sponsor and you signed a contract guaranteeing him certain concessions, one of them being a spot on the show. Wayne Campbell: [holding a Pizza Hut box] Well that's where I see things just a little differently. Contract or no, I will not bow to any sponsor. Benjamin: I'm sorry you feel that way, but basically it's the nature of the beast. Wayne Campbell: [holding a bag of Doritos] Maybe I'm wrong on this one, but for me, the beast doesn't include selling out. Garth, you know what I'm talking about, right? Garth Algar: [wearing Reebok wardrobe] It's like people only do these things because they can get paid. And that's just really sad. Wayne Campbell: I can't talk about it anymore; it's giving me a headache. Garth Algar: Here, take two of these! [Dumps two Nuprin pills into Wayne's hand] Wayne Campbell: Ah, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different. Benjamin: Look, you can stay here in the big leagues and play by the rules, or you can go back to the farm club in Aurora. It's your choice. Wayne Campbell: [holding a can of Pepsi] Yes, and it's the choice of a new generation.
19
Benjamin: Have you spoken to Wayne about the Vanderhoff spot? Russel: Yes, briefly. He was not very receptive. Benjamin: Oh really? Well I'll explain it to him that it's not a choice. It's in his contract Russel: Oh. Well Wayne will understand that right away... NOT! [Ben glares at Russ] Russel: Excuse me!
20
Wayne Campbell: So, do you come to Milwaukee often? Alice Cooper: Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century. Pete: Hey, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name? Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. In fact , it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land." Wayne Campbell: I was not aware of that.
21
Wayne Campbell: I mean, there are two Darren Stevens, right? Dick York and Dick Sargeant. Yeah, right, as if we wouldn't notice. Oh hold on: Dick York, Dick Sergeant, Sergeant York... Wow, that's weird.
22
[admiring a guitar in a music store] Wayne Campbell: It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.
23
[after seeing Cassandra for the first time] Wayne Campbell: She will be mine. Oh, yes - she will be mine.
24
Garth Algar: Ribbed for her pleasure. Ewww.
25
Garth Algar: Hey Phil, if you're gonna spew, spew into this.
26
Wayne Campbell: I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored.
27
Mikita's Manager, Glen: [to the camera] I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it, that if a man kills another man in battle it's called heroic; yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion, it's called murder? Wayne Campbell: Ho-woh! What do you think you're doing? Only me and Garth get to talk to the camera.
28
Garth Algar: That is a babe. She makes me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class.
29
Benjamin: First, let me get this out of the way - I'm a big fan. Garth Algar: You are? Benjamin: The way I see it; your show is capable of so much more. Garth Algar: Well, we'll try harder, OK? Just give us a second chance. Just don't go and cancel us without giving us a second chance.
30
Benjamin: Do you have a lawyer? Wayne Campbell: Yes. Ahm, no. We're between lawyers right now. You see, our first lawyer screwed our affairs so bad. Garth Algar: That's right. I walked right to that office - that's what I did - and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his big fat head and I said "Listen, man. I'm not going to jail for *you* or for anybody."
31
Terry: Wayne. Wayne. Garth told me about the show, man. I love you man. Wayne Campbell: Yea, and I love you too, Terry. Terry: No no no, I mean it man. I LOVE you. Wayne Campbell: No, I-I mean it. I love you. Terry: No you don't, man. I love you. Wayne Campbell: [being hugged by Terry] Garth. Hey, come over here, I think Terry has something he wants to say to you. Terry: I love you, man. Garth Algar: Thank you.
32
Russel: It will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cue. Wayne Campbell: Excuse me, Russel, but I believe I requested the hand job...
33
[Wayne and Garth are lying on the hood of the mirth-mobile, staring at the starlit sky] Garth Algar: Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone before... but I'll probably stay in Aurora. What are you thinking about? Wayne Campbell: Cassandra. She's a fox. In French she would be called "la renarde" and she would be hunted with only her cunning to protect her. Garth Algar: She's a babe. Wayne Campbell: She's a robo-babe. In Latin she would be called "babia majora". Garth Algar: If she were a president she would be Baberaham Lincoln. [a brief pause] Garth Algar: Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny? Wayne Campbell: No. [cracks up laughing] Wayne Campbell: No. Garth Algar: Neither did I. I was just asking.
34
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Anything wrong, Davy? Davy: Yeah, I got paid today. Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah, I know what that's like. Davy: No. You don't understand. They laid me off. I got one of these. Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah, I know how that feels. Davy: Know what I'd like to do? Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find the guy who did it, rip his still beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies. Davy: Actually, I was thinking of filing a grievance with the union. Mikita's Manager, Glen: Well, the world's a twisted place.
35
Garth Algar: Okay, pop quiz. Cassandra is not interested in Benjamin because... A: Chicks think he's handsome, B: has cool car, C: has lots of cash, D: has no visible scars, E: does not live with parents. Wayne Campbell: Okay, how about, F: you're a gimp. Garth Algar: Well, you know what? you can take a metal pole and... [a passing jet liner mutes out most of what he says] Garth Algar: ...till the handle breaks off and you have to get a doctor to pull it out again!
36
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Did you know that if you kill a man in the dead of winter you can see steam rising out of him? The Indians though it was your soul escaping.
37
[after Wayne opens a door and shows a bunch of spies] Garth Algar: What was that all about? Wayne Campbell: Nothing. I just always wanted to open a door on spies in training.
38
Mikita's Manager, Glen: You know, if you stab a man in the dead of winter, steam will rise up from the wounds. Indians believed it was his soul escaping from his body.
39
Garth Algar: OK... First I'll access the secret military spy satelite that is in geosynchronous orbit over the midwest. Then I'll ID the limo by the vanity plate "MR. BIGGG" and get his approximate position. Then I'll reposition the transmission dish on the remote truck to 17.32 degrees east, hit WESTAR 4 over the Atlantic, bounce the signal back into the aerosphere up to COMSAT 6, beam it back to SATCOM 2 transmitter number 137 and down on the dish on the back of Mr. Big's limo... It's almost too easy.
40
[Wayne Campbell is stopped by a traffic cop] Wayne Campbell: Yes, officer, is there a problem? T-1000: Have you seen this boy?
41
Cassandra: I don't believe I've ever had French champagne before... Benjamin Kane: Oh, actually all champagne is French, it's named after the region. Otherwise it's sparkling white wine. Americans of course don't recognize the convention, so it becomes that thing of calling all of their sparkling white "champagne", even though by definition they're not.
42
Wayne Campbell: Ah yes, it's a lot like "Star Trek: The Next Generation". In many ways it's superior but will never be as recognized as the original.
43
Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar: [to Alice Cooper] We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
44
Wayne Campbell: I know I don't have his looks. I know I don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines. I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw...
45
Garth Algar: Let me tell you something about women, Wayne. They want you to come get them, they LOVE it.
46
Stacy: Aren't you gonna open your gift? Wayne Campbell: If it's a severed head I'll be very upset.
47
[after being stranded] Garth Algar: I'm having a good time... *not*!
48
[to the camera] Wayne Campbell: What the hell's going on? I lost my show, I lost my best friend, I lost my girl. I'm being shit on, that's all, shit on, and you know what really pisses me off- [Camera pans away] Wayne Campbell: Wait, where are you goin'? OK, things aren't that great, but I'll get 'em back, OK?
49
Garth Algar: Uh, Wayne? Wayne Campbell: Yeah? Garth Algar: Do you ever get the feeling Benjamin's just using us? Wayne Campbell: Good call. It's like he wants us to be liked by everyone. I mean Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.
50
Benjamin Kane: So Garth, what do you think so far? Garth Algar: It's like a new pair of underwear. At first it's constrictive, but after a while it becomes a part of you.
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