Milo: You think you are so fucking cool, don't you? You think you are so fucking cool. But just once, I would like to hear you scream in pain... Joe Hallenbeck: Play some rap music.
(16 votes)
2
Jimmy Dix: You don't like women much do ya Joe. Joe Hallenbeck: [about his wife] At least I liked the guy she was fuckin'. He was my best friend. Jimmy Dix: Nah man, he was a scumbag private detective. Joe Hallenbeck: All private detectives are scumbags. Jimmy Dix: Yeah, but that scumbag tried to get you killed. Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah well, friends can't be perfect. Joe Hallenbeck: I wish that water wasn't wet, I wish the sky wasn't blue and I wish that I didn't still love my wife. Joe Hallenbeck: Ahh, life sucks! [reaches for a glass of wine]
(16 votes)
3
Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, I believe in love; I believe in cancer.
(14 votes)
4
Jimmy Dix: If you go any faster we're gonna travel back through time.
(14 votes)
5
[Joe has just found out that Mike was sleeping with his wife] Mike Mathews: Look Joe, it just happened. Joe Hallenbeck: Sure, sure, it just happened. Could happen to anybody. It was an accident, right? You tripped, fell on the floor and accidently stuck your dick into my wife. "Oops, I'm sorry, Mrs. H, I guess this just isn't my week".
(13 votes)
6
[Joe Hallenbeck wakes up in his car and stares at his grubby reflection in the mirror] Joe Hallenbeck: Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you. You're gonna lose. Smile, you fuck.
(5 votes)
7
Alley Thug: Wrong place, wrong time. Nothing personal. Joe Hallenbeck: That's what you think. Last night I fucked your wife. Alley Thug: Oh you did, hah? How'd you know it was my wife? Joe Hallenbeck: She said her husband was a big pimp lookin' motherfucker with a hat. Alley Thug: Oh, you're real cool but you've got to take a bullet. Joe Hallenbeck: After fucking your wife I'll take two.
(3 votes)
8
Alley Thug: Alright, you want it in the chest, or the head? Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, that's what your wife said. Alley Thug: Hey man, would you stop with the wife shit? Joe Hallenbeck: Ask me how fat she is. Ask me. Alley Thug: Fuck you, man! How fat is she? Joe Hallenbeck: She's so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. Motherfucker, if you wanna fuck her you gotta slap her thigh and ride the wave in. Now I'm saying she's fat, her high school picture was an aerial shot.
(2 votes)
9
[Joe Hallenbeck is talking to a puppet on his hand] Joe as puppet: Why did Mr. Milo cross the road? Joe Hallenbeck: I don't know. Why? Joe as puppet: Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.
(2 votes)
10
Joe Hallenbeck: This is the nineties. You don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first.
(1 vote)
11
Jimmy Dix: Hi, you're nobody. Joe Hallenbeck: Shhh, don't tell anyone.
(1 vote)
12
Officer: Good morning gentlemen. Is there a problem? Milo: Yes, officer. As a matter of fact there is a problem. Apparently there are too many bullets in this gun. [uses the gun to kill the officer]
(1 vote)
13
Joe Hallenbeck: Where are you goin'? Jimmy Dix: To the bathroom, okay. You wanna come? The doc said I shouldn't lift anything heavy. Joe Hallenbeck: No, I'll pass.
(1 vote)
14
Joe Hallenbeck: The sky is blue, water is wet, women have secrets.
15
Jimmy Dix: I figure you gotta be the dumbest guy in the world, Joe. You're trying the save the life of the man who ruined your career, and avenge the death of the guy that fucked your wife.
16
Joe Hallenbeck: Leather pants. Jimmy Dix: Yeah. Joe Hallenbeck: What's something like that run? Jimmy Dix: Six-fifty. Joe Hallenbeck: Six hundred and fifty dollars? Jimmy Dix: Yeah. Joe Hallenbeck: They're pants. Jimmy Dix: Yeah. Joe Hallenbeck: You wear them? Jimmy Dix: YES. Joe Hallenbeck: They don't, like, have a TV in them or something? Jimmy Dix: Nope. Joe Hallenbeck: I am very old.
17
Milo: Can we get a formal introduction? Joe Hallenbeck: Who gives a fuck? You're the bad guy, right? Milo: I am the bad guy. Joe Hallenbeck: And I'm supposed to be trembling in fear or something like that? Milo: Something like that. Joe Hallenbeck: I'll tremble later. For now, how about a drink?
18
Jimmy Dix: [to Joe Hallenbeck] Man, you couldn't protect a cup of warm piss.
19
Jimmy Dix: Man, you couldn't protect a warm cup of piss. [throws ice at Joe] Joe Hallenbeck: Why don't you just go ahead and hit me? Jimmy Dix: Excuse me? Joe Hallenbeck: Come on chicken shit. Bust me in the chops. You don't think an old guy like me could hurt ya, do ya Jimmy? Jimmy Dix: So now you know my name? Joe Hallenbeck: James Alexander Dix. Quarterback for the L.A. Stallions, '89-'90. Banned from the league on gambling charges, allegations of drug abuse. Another tragic tale of wasted youth. Jimmy Dix: [stands up from his chair] Now you're starting to piss me off. Joe Hallenbeck: It's about fuckin' time. I'm Joe Hallenbeck. Joe Hallenbeck: [Joe reaches out his hand, Jimmy slaps it] I'm a private detective. Jimmy Dix: You're like a fuckin lowlife to me. Joe Hallenbeck: At least I didn't shit my talent away on coke. [Jimmy tries to punch Joe, who subsequently blocks his punch and pushes him on the ground] Joe Hallenbeck: [noticing his spilled whiskey] I spilled my warm cup of piss.
20
Mike Mathews: [about Cory] She's hot, Joe. She rates a three on my finger scale. That means I'd cut off three of my fingers if God would let me fuck her.
21
Jimmy Dix: It ain't right. Joe Hallenbeck: No, it ain't right. [sighs] Joe Hallenbeck: This ain't no game, flash. Real guns, real bullets. It's dangerous. Jimmy Dix: Danger's my middle name. Joe Hallenbeck: Mine's Cornelius. You tell anybody, I'll kill you. Jimmy Dix: You ever watch "Soul Train"? Joe Hallenbeck: Shut the fuck up.
22
Detective: There's a new invention out. It's called the razor. Joe Hallenbeck: Too risky, I might start thinkin' about you and slash my wrist.
23
Jimmy Dix: She get's evidence to use against 'em, right? Joe Hallenbeck: That's right. Jimmy Dix: So now we have the evidence. Joe Hallenbeck: What we got, Junior, is Marcone and Baynard by the nuts and that is why I love America.
24
Scrabble Man: Drop the gun, Hallenbeck. [takes Joe's gun and tosses it] Scrabble Man: Bit late for a stroll, don't you think? Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, you girls oughta be gettin' home. Jimmy Dix: Yeah, streetlights are on. Jake: Shut up fuckface. Joe Hallenbeck: I'm fuckface, he's asshole. [Jimmy smiles sarcastically, in agreement] Scrabble Man: Jake? [Jake punches Joe in the face] Scrabble Man: Advise Rodney Dangerfield here of the situation. Perhaps we can dispense with the fun and games now, yes? Joe Hallenbeck: You want the envelope, right? Scrabble Man: The envelope, very smart. See Jake, here is a man who knows when a situation is untennable. Joe Hallenbeck: Good word. Scrabble Man: You like that word? And you do have that envelope, don't you? Joe Hallenbeck: Better give up, Jimmy. We're dealin' with a couple of geniuses here. [Jake punches Joe again] Jimmy Dix: Hey man, just leave him the fuck alone. [Jake proceeds to kick Jimmy in the gut] Scrabble Man: Leave him alone? Yeah, sure Jimmy. Whatever you say. Jake here takes his job with a certain exuberance. Jimmy Dix: Shit, we're being beat up by the inventor of scrabble. Scrabble Man: He's in a good mood, Jake. Kick 'em again. Joe Hallenbeck: All right. You want the envelope the hooker had, right? Jimmy Dix: She wasn't a hooker, Joe. Joe Hallenbeck: Shut the fuck up.
25
Joe Hallenbeck: Hey flash, rescue attempt? Jimmy Dix: Blow me. Milo: You must be James. Jimmy Dix: [sarcastically] James? Joe Hallenbeck: He does that with everybody. He calls me Joseph. Milo: I trust you're alone. Jimmy Dix: No, I got the fuckin' Vienna Boys Choir with me. What, is everybody stupid around here? [thug slams his head into car bonnet] Joe Hallenbeck: Just you, kid.
26
Jimmy Dix: Hey, man. You ever play ball? You've got a good build. Joe Hallenbeck: What are you, a fag? Jimmy Dix: No, I'm just trying to break the ice. Joe Hallenbeck: I like ice. Leave it the fuck alone.
27
Jimmy Dix: What, you don't believe in love?
28
[On pulling up to Joe Hallenbeck's home] Jimmy Dix: Wow, an actual house. I was expecting a cave with like skulls and shit.
29
[Joe gets to his office, after waking up next to a dead squirrel a bunch of kids threw in his car] Mike Matthews: What'd you do last night? Joe Hallenbeck: I think I fucked a squirrel to death, and don't remember.
30
Milo: Hey motherfucker. Joe Hallenbeck: Hey Milo. Where ya callin from, the bottom of the pool?
31
Jimmy: It's called a vocabulary. You got one of those? Joe Hallenbeck: Sorry, my subscription to JUGGS magazine ran out.
32
Jimmy Dix: Come one, Cory, let's go. Cory: Wait, I gotta wait for Hallenbeck. Jimmy Dix: Are you in some kind of trouble? Cory: It's nothing serious, let's just wait for Hallenbeck. Jimmy Dix: Is there some guy bothering you? Cory: Seriously, let's just wait for Hallenbeck. Jimmy Dix: Hallenbeck's a bum. What's he gonna do, light a match and breathe on the guy?
33
Jimmy Dix: Do you want to get kicked off the planet.
34
[to Milo] Joe Hallenbeck: I told you, if you ever touch me again, I'll kill you.
35
Joe Hallenbeck: Can I have a cigarette? Chet: A cigarette? Yeah sure. [gives him one] Joe Hallenbeck: Got a light? Chet: Yeah, got a light. [pretends to give him a light and punches him instead] Chet: Hey baby I thought you were tough. See Pablo, he's no sweat! Joe Hallenbeck: I seem to have dropped my cigarette. May I have another? Chet: [hesitates] Sure, sure thing buddy. [gives him another cigarette] Joe Hallenbeck: I'm gonna need a light. You touch me again, I'll kill ya.
36
[last lines] Joe Hallenbeck: Be Prepared, son. That's my motto. Be Prepared.
37
Jimmy Dix: I'm saying again for the cheap seats, Lieutenant. I DON'T KNOW WHERE JOE HALLENBECK IS! That's my fucking statement! Write it down and shove it up your ass. Lieutenant Benjamin Bessalo: I could nail you for obstruction. Jimmy Dix: You couldn't nail a two dollar whore.
38
Jimmy Dix: Hey, ugly! Looks like our evidence got blown up. I think we might have to get some more. Joe Hallenbeck: Just won't let go, huh? You're like a dog with a frisbee.
39
[Hallenbeck and Dix are trying to tell the bodyguards in a car about a bomb] Joe Hallenbeck: Now what are you doing? Jimmy Dix: I'm drawing them a picture. Joe Hallenbeck: What's that? Jimmy Dix: It's a bomb. Joe Hallenbeck: It doesn't look like a bomb, it looks like an apple with lines coming out of it. What are they gonna say, "don't open the briefcase, it's full of fresh fruit"? Jimmy Dix: Do you want to draw the damn thing? [Dix shows Hallenbeck the draw of a bomb with "bom" written below] Jimmy Dix: Happy? Joe Hallenbeck: Are you kidding me? Jimmy Dix: [shows the drawing to the bodyguards] Always criticizing my shit. I can't do nothing right. Jimmy Dix: [the bodyguards shoot them] Oh, shit! Joe Hallenbeck: I forgot to tell you. "Bom" means "fuck you" in Polish. Jimmy Dix: Hey, that's not funny, man. I almost bought it there! Joe Hallenbeck: Tragic loss to the art world, let me tell ya.
40
Joe Hallenbeck: [Joe just found out that Matthews was having an affair with his wife] Head or gut, Mike? Mike Mathews: Joe how long have we been friends? Joe Hallenbeck: I'd say roughly until you started banging my wife. Head or gut? Mike Mathews: [sighs] Gut. Joe Hallenbeck: [punches Mike in the gut] Got that address for me? Mike Mathews: [out of breath] Huh? Joe Hallenbeck: The surveillance job. Mike Mathews: [still out of breath] You still want the job? Joe Hallenbeck: Five-hundred bucks is five-hundred bucks Mike Mike Mathews: [gives Joe a picture of Cory] Yeah I guess you're right. Joe Hallenbeck: [looking at the picture] Cory, huh? You throw a shot into her too? [Mike leaves] Joe Hallenbeck: [to his neighbor's dog who keeps coming into his yard] Get the fuck out of here, go shit in your own yard.
41
Jimmy, Joe Hallenbeck: [Joe and Jimmy arrive at the stadium and see Marcone's car] Jimmy: Hey, that's Marcone's car. Joe Hallenbeck: Come on! Jimmy: [pulls out his keys and scratches the car] I've always wanted to do that. Joe Hallenbeck: You should've shit on it.
42
Sarah Hallenbeck: [arguing; justifying her infidelity] You were never around. You know what? Fuck you, Joe. I was lonely! Joe Hallenbeck: Buy a dog.
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